Better By Nightfall

I - Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said
to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class,
in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't
nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student
said, Nap I shall, and it was good.

II - Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time. And student
said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too
late, drink too much and make out with people you don't know.
Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said,
blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was
good.

III - Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages
Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And
God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to
student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say
you are getting wet and wild in the shower. You shall never say you
are at class, you shall say you are sleeping in class. God said, if
you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you. Blessed are
the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never
hook up with them. And it was good.

IV - Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And
God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful
garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God what
kind of Hoodie should it be and God said, you shall own one with your
school's logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors
and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased.

V - Thou Shalt Shit a Lot
And Student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you
shall eat in the Cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not
be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil for your ass shall burn
for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall
feel their pain. And Student began to weep, and God said unto him,
Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be
experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God and
God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain.

VI - Thou Shalt Eat EasyMac
Student asked unto God if there was any alternatives to the cafeteria,
and God said to him, you shall eat a lot of EasyMac. It is easy to
make and you don't need milk or a stove. And student said microwaves
were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, you shall hide the
microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, what
if it is discovered. And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and
it was good.

VII - Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up
and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and
forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be
awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and
parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and God told
Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student
does not.

VIII - Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings
Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should
be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said
unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but
then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to
meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student
understood His wisdom.

IX - Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up
in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not
remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will
see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in
Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall
tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student
understood and God took a sip of a beer.

And God gave Student the final Commandment:

X - Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would
not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall
gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you
will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot
of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God
comforted Student saying, you will still get ass even if you cannot
tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better and God pointed to
Student's chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was
good.

This is the word of God, follow the Ten Commandments of College or you
will be smote!


Thanks to Elaine who e-mailed this to me!