1 comments Saturday, November 24, 2007

This is "Broadripple is Burning" by Margot & the Nuclear So and So's as performed by "The Spring Escape." I actually like this version a lot.


I can't get to sleep tonight, once again.

In the meantime, I am enjoying "Broadripple is Burning" by Margot & The Nuclear So and So's. I highly recommend you check it out.

(And, yes, I'll be updating my blog template over winter break. Three more weeks.)

0 comments Friday, November 23, 2007

I've been teased! I've been chasing an illusion for the last week, all the while grasping at something that I knew I could not obtain. I kept thinking that I could somehow reach it and, for a moment, be where I wanted to be. However, now that I am almost at the end, I feel awakened and uplifted in my disillusion.

The course of events for this break were almost the same as before and I followed the routine like clockwork. I let myself believe, as I do every year, that I could and should be beyond what I am capable of. I packed as much as I could into the few days I had, hoping I would be able to do everything. I kept contributing to my burden with every thought of what I needed to do. However, as the days went by, my motivation and sanity quickly depleted. I accomplished a lot, but I never let myself feel good about what I finished. I built myself up only to tear myself down.

Yet, during my seasonal self-fulfilling prophecy, I learned something.

As I was sitting alone listening to Margot & The Nuclear So and So's, I realized that I am a creature of vicious habits. Instead of focusing on the fact that I had survived most of the semester, I had allowed myself to fall into a senseless rut of my own creation. I didn't even let myself see that, though the semester has been tough, I only had three weeks left before I could say, "I made it!"

Though simple enough, it shook off some of the weight I had strapped to myself. I felt lighter. I told myself that I would look on the bright side and break the usual habit.

So, here I sit tonight, working on my homework, yet taking it easy. I am starting to see that I can only do so much until I have to give the rest to time. My life shouldn't be about extra constraints I impose on myself, but, instead, should be about my attempts to break free of those I that I can. I plan to do this as much as possible, whenever I see the opportunities available.

0 comments Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Stress engenders unusual and deviant phenomena both in my life and within me. Though I feel fine during these instances, I am never completely fine. There is always something boiling under the surface, stewing away until it can bubble over into some part of my day, week, or month.

In some ways I have grown accustomed to the undeniable fact that stress will always be a part of my life because I make it part of my life. Stress and I have a symbiotic relationship, if that is even possible. Even though it can be imposed upon me by others, and even though I know it only has as much power over me as I allow it to; we engage in tussles to determine who reigns supreme. Sort of like the Narrator and Tyler Durden in "Fight Club," only not as psychotic nor homoerotic.

I cannot place my finger on the main issue. I cannot determine why my life is and has always, seemingly, been this way. I do, however, know that it is almost entirely mental.

I seem to throw mental roadblocks in my path. However, instead of simple sidewinding curves, my mind goes to the extremes of cliffhanging hairpin turns. I make mountains out of molehills. I see land mines in green grass. Yet, aside from taking it one turn, reach, or step at a time, I can't release myself form this tension.

For some reason, I always feel like I'm under the gun. I'm always on the run without ever knowing where exactly I am going. I cannot shape it no more than stop it because I feel some innate drive within me. I am compelled by it; yet, pushed, pulled, and tugged at the same time.

At the very least, though, I feel like I can handle my stress--my "Tyler Durden"--much better. Being by myself has been tough. Classes have not been easy. Teaching has challenged me more than I thought it would. Yet, I feel inured to this life I have going for me. Sometimes I feel caught up in all of it. Other times, I feel like I am drowning in all of it. At my most desolate, I feel consumed by it.

Most of the times, though, I feel support all around me. It always lingers off in the distance and it is never hard to find, though clouded in stress. Although it often appears as a simple spark in my darkest hours, it becomes the ray of perseverance and hope that guides me through and leads me closer to where I am meant to be.