Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Stress engenders unusual and deviant phenomena both in my life and within me. Though I feel fine during these instances, I am never completely fine. There is always something boiling under the surface, stewing away until it can bubble over into some part of my day, week, or month.

In some ways I have grown accustomed to the undeniable fact that stress will always be a part of my life because I make it part of my life. Stress and I have a symbiotic relationship, if that is even possible. Even though it can be imposed upon me by others, and even though I know it only has as much power over me as I allow it to; we engage in tussles to determine who reigns supreme. Sort of like the Narrator and Tyler Durden in "Fight Club," only not as psychotic nor homoerotic.

I cannot place my finger on the main issue. I cannot determine why my life is and has always, seemingly, been this way. I do, however, know that it is almost entirely mental.

I seem to throw mental roadblocks in my path. However, instead of simple sidewinding curves, my mind goes to the extremes of cliffhanging hairpin turns. I make mountains out of molehills. I see land mines in green grass. Yet, aside from taking it one turn, reach, or step at a time, I can't release myself form this tension.

For some reason, I always feel like I'm under the gun. I'm always on the run without ever knowing where exactly I am going. I cannot shape it no more than stop it because I feel some innate drive within me. I am compelled by it; yet, pushed, pulled, and tugged at the same time.

At the very least, though, I feel like I can handle my stress--my "Tyler Durden"--much better. Being by myself has been tough. Classes have not been easy. Teaching has challenged me more than I thought it would. Yet, I feel inured to this life I have going for me. Sometimes I feel caught up in all of it. Other times, I feel like I am drowning in all of it. At my most desolate, I feel consumed by it.

Most of the times, though, I feel support all around me. It always lingers off in the distance and it is never hard to find, though clouded in stress. Although it often appears as a simple spark in my darkest hours, it becomes the ray of perseverance and hope that guides me through and leads me closer to where I am meant to be.


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