Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I am starting to feel like Bill Murray in Lost in Translation. I have the worst luck getting to sleep at night, not because I am in another place, because I can't put myself at ease. Thoughts keep running through my mind and, for whatever reason, I cannot let them go.

This is nothing new for me, but it seems more intense this semester. No doubt, grad school has played a role in this. However, I feel like this has become more habitual and less endemic than it used to be. It's a nightly thing and I cannot shake it. I think if it were simply school I would be over it. After all, things are going well.

As I sit here, focusing primarily on this issue and putting everything else on hold, I feel relaxed in analysis. I am uncertain about my "insomnia." I've been questioning whether or not it is biological, and I do not think it is. If it were, it seems that it would be more pervasive and harmful. Upon further introspection, I think it might be psychological out of loneliness.1

Don't get wrong. I enjoy living alone, but I think that my insomnia and loneliness go hand in hand somehow. Although I am skeptical about this point too, it seems to fit more in my mind. After all, when I am up late I am usually talking to my friends over the Internet or on the phone. Of course, these forms of communication are no substitute for face-to-face interaction, and I think that is why I am having a hard time truly overcoming "the loneliness issue." I have friends I interact with on a daily basis, but no one is a good friend. At least, not yet.

To be fair, I have found some relief with some of my good friends who do not live here, but the distance makes it tough. I want to enjoy a pitcher of beer and random stories with them or get a cup of coffee and have an intellectually stimulating conversation, but that cannot happen unless we are in the same place. I also have some new friends in grad school that will likely become good friends. Until then, though, I am lost in my thoughts about everything and nothing. Words that are unvoiced because I do not have anyone who will listen nearby.

I guess it is something I need to get over and come to terms with. After all, I will eventually leave Boise in pursuit of my PhD in a matter of years; I'll have to start over again. If I can overcome it sooner, I will be better off (and have better sleep).

1: I don't think it is the coffee or tea. I have reduced my intake dramatically since the end of September. The only thing this would potentially cause is depression!


Bree said...

psssst! You might want to update your profile, mr. soon-to-be-graduating dude. XD

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