Friday, November 23, 2007

I've been teased! I've been chasing an illusion for the last week, all the while grasping at something that I knew I could not obtain. I kept thinking that I could somehow reach it and, for a moment, be where I wanted to be. However, now that I am almost at the end, I feel awakened and uplifted in my disillusion.

The course of events for this break were almost the same as before and I followed the routine like clockwork. I let myself believe, as I do every year, that I could and should be beyond what I am capable of. I packed as much as I could into the few days I had, hoping I would be able to do everything. I kept contributing to my burden with every thought of what I needed to do. However, as the days went by, my motivation and sanity quickly depleted. I accomplished a lot, but I never let myself feel good about what I finished. I built myself up only to tear myself down.

Yet, during my seasonal self-fulfilling prophecy, I learned something.

As I was sitting alone listening to Margot & The Nuclear So and So's, I realized that I am a creature of vicious habits. Instead of focusing on the fact that I had survived most of the semester, I had allowed myself to fall into a senseless rut of my own creation. I didn't even let myself see that, though the semester has been tough, I only had three weeks left before I could say, "I made it!"

Though simple enough, it shook off some of the weight I had strapped to myself. I felt lighter. I told myself that I would look on the bright side and break the usual habit.

So, here I sit tonight, working on my homework, yet taking it easy. I am starting to see that I can only do so much until I have to give the rest to time. My life shouldn't be about extra constraints I impose on myself, but, instead, should be about my attempts to break free of those I that I can. I plan to do this as much as possible, whenever I see the opportunities available.


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