Monday, June 19, 2006

Everything seems to be fitting into place right now, though summer seems to have flown by to get to this point. There is some strange calm about how things are going, like standing on the edge of cliff labeled uncertainty before taking a huge leap into the unknown. I am happy with how things are going, but something seems to be missing. I think not going home to see my family might just be part of that missing element, but I'm not sure. I've been without them before and things have been fine, but this summer has had its stressors that would be somewhat assuaged by being around family. That's one of the unfortunate things about living so far away from my parents. They aren't around to help with tough situations when you may need them. The only thing they can do is send money. Don't get me wrong, money helps. It's helped me get by when I was near broke (or as I am now, almost perpetually impecunious), but it's no substitute for having my family around for the things that seem to happen out of the blue. It's almost ironic, but I came to college feeling like I didn't need my parents but missing them and now it's almost the opposite. I fell like I need my parents around, but I don't miss them as much. That might sound somewhat perplexing and I guess it kind of is. It's just that I've gotten past missing them, but I haven't gotten past needing them around(and I don't think I will for a while!).

Still, I'm not sure that not having my parents around is the only thing that has me in such a precarious position. I think the "summer of change" might also be a contributing factor. There has been much change and little change, and some things seem as though they are an aberration to what they were before, yet they remain the same. My job is one such thing, but there are others. I think it's just a bit of distortion, perhaps, that will sort in due time. Work, like those other items, continue to unravel and fall into place and reveal their form with deceptive novelty. The truth is that these things aren't that new, disparate, nor devious, rather they appear novel and amorphous. In time, as with all things, novelty wears off and the shape of things is or becomes known to a degree. Perhaps I am waiting in the space between novelty and certainty, waiting on this cliff for something to illuminate the area below before I leap in faith.


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