Better By Nightfall

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Too crazy to even understand and take account of it all. Little things mean big things, and they're starting the take away from everything else bit by bit. I'm having a hard time, but I'm getting by. I know that this is just another experience I have yet to get through.

Lately it's been tough though. It's like walking in a minefield, and it's starting to feel like a game. A game among many games. Games I don't like to play, but seem to have gotten swept into.

Two days ago. Yesterday. Today. Even tonight. Tonight. There are so many things I could say of what happened when I stormed out of the apartment a few hours ago only to return after draining a quarter-tank of gas and walking around alone, but it's not the same. The situation isn't the same in reflection.

I was alone. Alone. I had my keys, I had me. There was anywhere but here that I wanted to be. I left. I don't even know where I drove for the first thirty minutes. My mind picked a direction, my foot to the pedal followed.

The road was nearly empty. The wind roared as I sped down the street without a care. I wasn't thinking. I wanted to be clear. I lost focus on everything but the lines repeating along my path. And street lights for miles until darkness enclosed me, dimly illuminated by my barrel vision and headlights. Dark sky. No one passing me by. The numbers increased; motion was smooth, and the engine booming.

Time passed. I passed. Moved away from here. And began to think because clear was never really clear. Action and inaction. Reaction. Games. Meaningless. Games. Meaningless.

And I remembered what some had said. Thought on it. Sink to think about it. Let it flare. Let it die there.

After a turn, I let it go. I watched the lights going in the other direction. Watched them fade away. Saw the road. Empty. Cold. Alone. Moved upon. Gone.

I must have been on the road for at least an hour and a half. I only checked to see how much gas was guzzled before I locked the door. I hesitated to return. I looked around, realizing I wouldn't see much more of this. Realizations and reflections.

I returned. Quiet. Dark. Opened the doors. Heard my footsteps as I walked in my room. Closed the doors. Alone.