Saturday, March 12, 2005

About a day after my birthday, which I know I have yet to post about, I came to the harsh realization that Nationals was only six days away. (Of course, now it is only four days away, and that doesn't make it better.) And with it came the gut-wrenching anxiety, the fear of failure, and the uncertainty of what I thought was near-certain.

Everything I done before this tournament has led to the point, all those hardships and losses, trophies and wins, but I'm starting to think that I'm just going to flop it. I feel like I'm going to hit the ground, and hit it really really hard. Everyone seems to be slightly stressed about it too, but I don't think it's the same as what I'm feeling. It's like just about everything has crashed down on me and I can't avoid it. Instead, I'm left picking up the pieces trying to put it all together before it's too late. Then I know in a few days I have to narrow myself to fit through the eye of scrutiny that will be ever-present while I'm in St. Louis...and even worse off if I don't carry my weight while I'm there.

To add to it, all these other things have suddenly coalesced in my mind to cloud the clarity I once had. I can't stay focused on much of anything for too long. I've been agitated. I've been angry. I've been upset. I've been sad.

And I'm doubting myself.

I'm doubting my abilities that have, to some degree, been proven worthy. I'm doubting the work and effort I've put into everything I've done. I'm doubting that anything I can do this time will be of value.

And I want it to go away, but it won't. I've tried reading, listening to music, telling myself that it will be ok, knowing that I've done well. Yet, none of it has changed the way I feel. I can't get past the fact that I might fail, that I may not be worthy.

Then I hear you reminding me to believe in myself. Your words echo in my mind so clear, evident of things I've overlooked. Illuminated. You tell me that I should think about myself and what I can and will do for myself. It is just that--to do better than what I have done before for myself, then the others.

I'll carry these words, thoughts, and your faith in me with me as I go down that road. You are right in what you say, and I know now where to place my faith and confidence. Thank you.

Thanks Carrie! :) You have no idea how much that means to me right now.


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