Friday, November 04, 2005

After being terribly stressed out and beyond EMO-depressive, I can finally say that things are better. The last few days, which I originally termed "diarrhea" because it was like shit was everywhere, are now more of a point of reflection than anything else. I look back on them and still wonder how I let so many things get to me. It was like one thing piled upon another until I felt like I was trapped, burdened. The slightest things were trigger points, each like a pin pressing into me. I couldn't sort things out, I couldn't set things straight. Instead, I let everything become some sort of issue that was beyond my control, which seemed to make things harder and harder because I wanted to have more control.

It wasn't until I talked to my mother, after practically having a nervous/emotional breakdown, that I came back around. She humorously reminded me that sometimes these things happen for a reason. Particualrly, when I told her that my brother had broken some of my things, My mother noted that sometimes things get broken and our savings has to be used to replace things. In which she jokingly talked about how my brother broke a wired German window (which are VERY expensive) when we were still kids and how my dad and her had to pay to replace it instead of going on a vacation to Italy:

"Here I thought we would all have a nice vacation under the sun, enjoying delicious food, playing at the beach. Instead, our vacation was turned into the lines and broken glass from the window. I remember telling you dad, 'See that line, that's us on the beach.' So, see, it's not so bad. Maybe it was meant to be? Maybe, because we didn't go we were together as a family more or less because that was what was nessisary at the time. Sometimes things are as they are and you just have to learn to let them go and know that somehow everything will work out in due course."
It made me laugh to think that so many things happen "out of course" (the course here being the desired path of things) but still happen for a reason. It was then that I realized that it was time to just let everything go.

Today, I feel like all that weight has been lifted. Sure, some things aren't as I want them. Not everything is supposed to be, though. And I'm fine with that because I realize that sometimes in the lack of control there is control, in letting go there is still holding on. So, maybe this weight was a gift, like I had to see what I could lift.

Image compliments of ssilence at


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