Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I made peace with Kristin and Annah from our debate team today. It felt like it needed to be done. I wanted them to know that I wasn't mad at them and that I was upset at the team dinner because of the rowdiness, not just Annah and Kristin. Though, they were part of it. Kristin was nice about everything though, and thanked me for letting her know. I didn't realize that she felt that bad about the situation. Hmm. It's strange. This weekend has been so weird and so harsh that I don't know how I feel about anything. It seems that any certainty I can get, even if it is only partially so, makes me feel better about things around me.

After the debate tournament this weekend, so many things have changed. While the tournament went well, things that I never thought could change have changed instantly. I don't know if they are permanent or not, but right now I'm still trying to keep my head clear of thinking about it too much because it hurts.

I don't think I've ever had to question a decision so much in my life before, and it's not a matter of life or death. Perhaps it's the fact that this decision has bearing on how a lot of things will progress from here on in. I'm not ready to ascertain how that will be. Probably because I don't want to know right now.

The wall of everything that used to be is shattered. The pieces are everywhere. Nothing is the same, and I don't think it will ever be. Maybe that's my emotions overriding my thoughts though. They are, after all, ruling how I feel about everything. I feel hurt. I feel unsafe. I feel unsure. But most importantly, I feel betrayed.

Every time I feel better about what happened I'm reminded of how every thing went down, and it stabs sharply into my mind, glaringly, that everything I thought before is not as it really was. And what's more, all the signs were there, I just never picked up on them because I was lead astray in thought.

Reactions have been interesting. I find it weird how I wasn't "supposed" to know about this. I find it weird that I was left alone when all I wanted was some clarity. I find it weird that there is something wrong, but it's being played off like it is ok. It isn't. Not right now, at least.

The lies are, perhaps, what hurt the most though. I never thought such a lie could cut through me like this one has. I don't know what to think about it. When I do think about everything, I can't get past certain key scenarios that fell into place. I can't get past where it was broken. And right now, I don't want to mend it. I just want it to be until I'm ready.


carebear said...

hey bro...just wondering what your address is?

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