Better By Nightfall

In roughly 12 hours I will touch down in Houston and be on my way to a full afternoon and evening of debate.

I'm not taking this tournament lightly. It's caused me to lose sleep, sanity, and some relaxing evenings. However, it's a learning experience. I'm going off-circuit to better prepare myself for Nationals in mid-March.

As of now, I'm ahead in all of my subjects and ready to go. I'm tired, torn, and a little beaten by the earlier half of this week, but I'm looking optimistically forward to this weekend away. I don't know what it will bring or how well our mini-me of a team will do there, but I feel confident in knowing that we're going there to learn.

Until Monday evening, have a good weekend. If I can, I'll keep you posted. ;)

I'm fucking exhausted! I need a very long nap.

From staying up so late, I've also watched a lot of late night television.

Thank God for Adult Swim and it's line up, The Daily Show, and Distraction. Thanks for the stress relief!


And yes, I do think that the new AXE bodyspray commercial is funny! Bravo.

This is the fourth night in a row I've been up past midnight. The last three nights have had me up past 3 a.m.! Shoot me.

Fucking Shit! What the fuck!

This tournament better be worth what I've been losing: my sleep and my sanity!


On a positive note, though, most of my professors let me do all my homework early so it doesn't count against me (In Calculus I, we have to have our homework turned in on Monday, no exceptions. Unless, of course, there is a holiday on Monday. ) or so I don't have to worry about rushing through it the night I get back only to turn it in the next day (In Japanese, the workbook from hell is due on Friday, but luckily I had already done 1/3 of this assignment weeks ago. After doing the other 2/3 and, I admit, skipping certain sections, I think all is well). The thing is, it has been more work than I thought it would be between Calculus and Japanese just to edge ahead of my studies for this weekend so I don't fall behind. And if this is how it is now, I can't even imagine what it will be like before we go to Nationals.

Seriously! Houston, you better be worth it!


Also, I'll be posting new photos on the "Photo of the Day" link after I get back from Houston. Sorry I've been slacking off there, but I think all of this (as in, the stress of staying ahead) has been a good enough excuse for not doing much else.

* : No sexual connotations are reflected in that statement. If you see any, it is of your own perversion, not mine!

I love doing debate, but having to juggle homework assignments from my numerous classes and have them either completely done before I leave for a tournament or near done so I can easily do them when I get back from a tournament is a bit killer.

That's how my President's Day weekend has been spent: doing homework from Calculus, Japanese, Japanese Culture readings, and speech revision for debate. Granted I watched some movies, but I did homework while watching them, cracking down on the studies so they don't break me while I'm away. Three nights in a row of staying up past one in the morning is starting to take its toll. I've been pushing through the day fairly well with the help of Starbucks and some other caffeinated beverages, but I need to be cautious so as not to screw myself over before I leave for the tournament in terms of sleep deprivation.

So far, I'm almost done with all the currently assigned Calculus homework for next week. I've finished my horrid workbook assignment for Japanese without slitting my wrists. I've even managed to get a hold of my amazing Anthropology professor from last semester who gave me Anthropology book recommendations to help with my minor research on my introduction for one of my speech events. I've read various magazines for debate in preparation for the tournament, and have even prepared some cases with the help of my debate partner, Hillary. Yeah, I'm nerd core!

I just hope burning all this midnight oil is enough to keep me ahead and allow me to do well at Houston at the same time. I don't want to fall behind and screw up my grades because I actually have an awesome shot at a 4.0 this semester. I also want to do well in debate and speech so that I feel more confident in what I'm bringing to Nationals.

Alas, speech research beckons as sleep lingers off in the distance.


UPDATE: It's 1:41 a.m. and I've gotten almost everything done--revised introduction and math! Hahaha! I don't have to stay up to 3:30ish like I did last night!! ;)

Blue says:
never befriend a person and they become your older protective "older sibling" only to have them dump the friendship like it was a dead curly fry
Blue says:
ewwwwwwwwww
Blue says:
a dead curly fry?!?!?!
Blue says:
wtf, caryn?!?!?!
Thister says:
Lifeless, twisted on the floor
Thister says:
LOL!
Blue says:
i now have images of a dead curly fry
Blue says:
EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blue says:
you're gross, you know that?
Blue says:
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Fun times LOL!

When Lacey first told me about the homosexual episode of "Wanna Come In?" I initially thought she was joking. However, as I was flipping through channels waiting for what was going to come on next on Adult Swim, I stumbled on MTV's "Wanna Come In?" and realized she wasn't joking.

The basic premise of the show is to try and get the geeky guy to get asked into the house of this hot girl.

MTV's description says the following: "Two geeks bump greasy heads with one another to win money for a hot date with two beautiful girls. Wanna Come In? is the new show where nerds sweat through several challenges in an effort to get invited up to a babe's pad. The geeks are not alone, though, they'll each have their own personal "stud" coach to help them hear those coveted words: 'Wanna come in?'"

Well, apparently MTV went beyond that this time and turned the show into a homosexual episode. When I stumbled on it I was more surprised than anything else. The first thing I thought was "Wow, MTV really is trying to market itself to everyone." I don't think it's a bad thing to be airing homosexual-oriented episodes of any show, per se, at least on MTV--The Real World might as well just be that. However, it makes me wonder what else a network like MTV will try to market itself to all. Moreover, I wonder what will happen if younger kids happen to see these episodes. The show does come on late at night, but it doesn't mean that kids and teenagers won't see the show. And sure, children these days deal with more social issues than I ever really knew about when I was younger just 10-15 years back, but, perhaps, more exposure is not what they need in order to understand sexuality. Perhaps all they need is education, understanding, and tolerance of it all. Airing it on the networks people enjoy watching doesn't necessarily do that. It allows for the show to slowly become culturally acceptable over time, but it disregards the opinions many have about the subject at hand.

You can always change the channel like I did, but it doesn't mean that the issues regarding the content of shows on a particular network are swept away with it. Nor is the profit-motive and market. I just think that a network with as much influence on tweens and teens like MTV needs to proceed cautiously with what it's doing. Don't force the opinions of sexuality upon people. Let them decide for themselves, just as they decide to flip through the channels.

It has been sent and it should get there later this week. No more countdown :D

Apparently I do not understand the cultural barriers that seem to be ever present between Americans and the Japanese, especially when I live with someone from Japan and have studied the culture and language for the last two years.

And I'm wanting to go there because...?


This is a joke!
...I want redemption for the thousands of hours I've dedicated to studying and dying over the Japanese workbook of doom!

I agree with Lacey.

Jon Stewart, you're a god!

And SNL, you're hilarious! I wish I would've seen this at Christmas! Check it out here or here.

I know, I know! ;)

Woke up at one in the afternoon today.

Yeah, so much for maintaining that sleeping schedule. Hahah!

I can't believe it's taken me this long to actually see this movie. I'm usually up to date on the comedy scene. At least, I thought I was. I think I just wasn't aware that this movie was out there. I hadn't really even heard of Margaret Cho before. Actually, I'm not sure where I heard about her from. I think it was on a blog, but I'm not sure. Regardless, the movie was hilarious. It's a stand-up routine that takes no prisoners. Cho's content is "very mature" and, some would say, liberal, but it's equal to everyone. She makes fun of everyone and everything, even herself in some of the most seemingly awkward situations. Trust me, they're interestingly awkward and totally hilarious.

This is one comedy stand-up movie you have to see. It's hilarious from beginning to end. Just be forewarned that the content is very adult and for people that are open to hearing about anything and everything.

Yes, I know this is a very late realization, but to my credit I did note that I didn't like SP2 a long time ago. In fact, I didn't install it until January because I knew it would screw things up. When I installed it almost everything worked fine. It did screw up my StyleXP settings and some other things, but most have been things that I can manage.

However, it has recently come to my attention that certain devices don't work with XP. My webcam, unfortunately, appears to be one of them unless I can figure out if Intel has a patch or driver or something that makes it work in light of Microsoft's cluster-fuck of an update.

Any ideas?

So many pieces have started falling together recently. Shards that seemed too small and too broken to make sense of have actually come together to reveal an image that I'm proud of. I finally have some sense of direction--I know where I'm going in the now and that's what matters. Sure, it's not the path that many thought I should go, but I'm happier this way. I've started to feel enjoyment in my decision, not regret or pain about the road ahead. I know it's not as definite as the others, but that's what I feel secure in. It's open. It's flexible. It gives me room. All of this is enough to leave me be, to let me breathe.

The remaining bits are slowly forming a whole. I'll know where I'll be next year soon enough. It won't be so close, and I wonder what it will change. I know it'll be different from where I am now. I know I'll be alone. I don't know what to think about it yet. I don't know who will be around for me if I need someone to depend on. Will there even be someone to depend on or will I just be in a state of Existentialism?

And yet, these parts will reveal themselves in time. Just as the shards shifted in time, coming together to illuminate the image I have now. All of this will make sense sooner or later.

I'm not sure if you've heard about the video that that teenager from New Jersey made, but it is hilarious and the Romanian Techno song he's lip-singing to is pretty catchy as well. In fact, it's stuck in my head. I remember hearing while in Prague this summer. Dragosta Din Tei. Heh!

Check it out: Numa Numa Dance

UPDATE: Well, apparently this teenager is getting quite the press coverage. He was on VHI's "Best Week Ever" last week and was on The Today Show on NBC earlier this week. I wonder if I make a silly/stupid/setup video will it get national or international attention?

Today two of my roommates headed out for their tournament this weekend, leaving the apartment half empty. This isn't unusual though, it's just that usually I'm on the tournament track with them. I'm not this time though. I'm going to Houston next week because my debate partner, Hillary, and I haven't been off circuit before. And while I'm looking forward to it, I'm slightly nervous.

Sure, debate is an international thing. It's even national in America. I'm just worried about the localization of debate and if Hillary and I will be able to adapt to it well enough. We do great in rounds and we know where we need to improve, but I often wonder if success in the northwest means success elsewhere. It's not a doubting issue though. It's a curiosity.

A curiosity that will be illuminated in less than a week.

Until then, and with the spare time I have this weekend, all I can do is prepare and go in with what I know. Heh! As long as a certain Policy debate team isn't there, I'm happy.

An e-mail I received from thefire.org

Le Moyne College Dismisses Student for Personal Beliefs, Violates Own Policy on Free Expression

February 15, 2005

Administrators at New York’s Le Moyne College, which claims to protect academic freedom, have summarily dismissed an education student for writing a paper advocating strict discipline for students. The chair of Le Moyne’s education department expelled master’s student Scott McConnell because of a “mismatch” between his personal beliefs and the goals of the college’s graduate education program.

Read more at thefire.org.

I opened my gmail account to read my e-mails and the one at the top happened to be from "Evangelical Beaver" or so I thought. It was actually from Evangeline Beaver for some college/club related stuff.

Ha! Yeah, I think a nap is definitely necessary...just not for two hours like I did. XD

Today is our annual Singles Awareness Day celebrated, mainly, in the United States. On this hallmark holiday you'll see hundreds of crazy people proclaiming their love for another like it's a special day when, in actuality, it's just another day.

For those not swayed by this semi-sweet, give me the gift, hallmark holiday I wish you a good day. For the rest of you, seriously, realize that this day is only another day. (Maybe that's why I'm single?)



An Aside: One test down, one to go. Only four hours of sleep. Shoot. Me. (Not really, though!)

Recently Bought and Enjoying
Room Noises by Eisley has got to be one of the most melodic and lyrically pleasing albums I've heard in a long time. From the guitar and piano combo-ballads like Telescope Eyes, to the harmonious lyrics of Marvelous Things and Plenty of Paper. This is the album to buy/download this month.

Heard on Launch
Existentialism on Prom Night is the only song I've heard in full on this album, but because of it I want to buy it already. Straylight Run is an Emo-rock band whose tracks are, mostly, intelligent, mildly uplifting and bitterly depressing. That's not to say the album is depressing. I'm sure it isn't. The message behind some of the lyrics, however, seem to reflect the aforementioned statement. This also appears to be an album worthy of buying/downloading this month.

Anticipating
I recently previewed this album and one of the soon-to-be hit songs on it entitled "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing." As far as I can tell, this album is a must have for any Jack Johnson fan, the smooth rhythms and guitar rifts are just as pleasing as they were the first time around. It will be interesting to see what else this album has to offer. This album hits stores in March.

Two tests involving Japanese related courses, Calculus I and all that it encompasses in which I do not understand or get hellaciously frustrated with , and happenings in Speech from why I didn't show up to the meeting to how to do better with bookwork and lines.

Given I'm only going to get about 4-5 hours of sleep, I'd say tomorrow today is going to be GREAT!


Random: I now have a "Picture of the Day" provided by Flickr. As such, I'll try and post a picture on their everyday so you can see bits and pieces of my life. If you become a member (it's free), you can leave comments or feel free to just leave them on my blog here. Kewl?

Calculus turns my "Oh, Hell No!" to "I Wish The Motherfucker WOULD!"

Calculus, it makes my day. Oh Yeah!

I may be doing well in Calculus, but the homework load is getting ridiculous! 63 problems! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

And we're trying to breathe, breathe, breathe.

Quiet reflection
carefully revealed a line
There is room to breathe

My bottom wisdom teeth have been pushing through the jaw/gum-line barrier throughout the day and have been hurting like hell. Why I didn't schedule an appointment to get them taken out this summer is beyond me.

I got my test back in Calculus I earlier today and received a 90%. Pretty damn good considering there was only three problems on the entire exam.

Last night Hillary, my debate partner, and I had a current event party. They're the best kind of party you can have. We sit at computers in the lab and read about and research current and historical events. While Hillary and I were researching the history of Iran, we realized that at the last tournament we ran into a case that already happened in the past-sanctions being lifted on three items of great export in Iran. Needless to say, it was flawed. However, we didn't know about this historical example, so we lost.

If only we had known our history with Iran! I mean, really, who knew that it would come into play like that? I didn't.

Guess I need to prepare some more.

The Way I See it #8
As seen on my coffee cup today from Starbucks.

If you want to cheat death,
it is not how much you earn
or how good you look.
It's in every small act of kindness
you share with someone else.
That is how you live on.

-- Mitch Albom
Radio host and author of
The Five People You Meet in Heaven
and
Tuesdays With Morrie


I like this quote and find it interesting in the fact that it parallels to something I mention in one of my interp. events. Hmm. This gives me an idea for next year. (Debate on the brain)

Anyway, I thought it was interesting and inspirational enough to share with all of you. Plus, Mitch Albom's books are good in the happy-depressing kind of way.

Multnomah Falls. Our usual stop before and after the tournament


Multnomah Falls. Full view, sort of.


Multnomah Falls and the trail few dared to go .


Hillary on Multnomah Bridge. We went further to the top though.


Top of the Falls. We're the only ones that made it up. Hillary and I almost died on the way up, though.


Top of the Falls. View from above.


Top of the falls. View from above. More Landscape.



The moving power behind the falls.


The moving power behind the falls.


Hillary and I had posing dorkily after the excursion.


Miles, Hillary, and Barton. Sans-VA's. They didn't use visual aides for their speeches.


Kristin and Annah posing for a potential calendar shot. (If you only knew!)


Novices, Krista and Scott working on their opposition case during the final round.


Boredom Strikes! Kristin, Barton, and Lacey. This happens to all of us periodically. It was a long tournament in only three days.


Also Bored. Rick and Jared. Kudos to Hillary for this shot! Hahah!


Acting on the Boredom. Rick and Jared. Kudos to Hillary for this shot again! Yeah, We have no lives.


Me and my first place trophy for winning JR division Informative Speech.

It was a great and eventful tournament. There is so much more that I don't have pictures of that could tell the story better, but I don't feel I need to divulge the stories here. I think they're more precious as they are in my memory. Yeah, that's right Kristen--skank-off, LOL!

Anyway, I'm eager for the next tournament and curious about Nationals. I'll definitely keep you all posted.

I'm starting to think that my Japanese Professor majored in bullshit with an emphasis in scatter-brain and a minor in WTF.

*sigh* The department on campus needs to improve, a lot.

I started writing my letter to a Japanese student for my writing assignment in Japanese 202. I started it off formally, as it should be since I don't know who this letter is going to. However, as I wrote on I realized that the letter is very simplistic and uninteresting. In fact, it probably will sound very boring and lame to the poor and most unfortunate fourth grader who gets it.

Yeah, that's right. A fourth grader will get it. That's because my Japanese language proficiency (and really all of our 202 class) is near equal to that of a fourth grader. So, maybe he or she won't think I'm stupid and uninteresting.

If I am, though, I guess he or she will feel better knowing that they are smarter than a soon-to-be 20 year-old college student.

You Are a "Don't Tread On Me" Libertarian

You distrust the government, are fiercely independent, and don't belong in either party. Religion and politics should never mix, in your opinion... and you feel opressed by both. You don't want the government to cramp your self made style. Or anyone else's for that matter. You're proud to say that you're pro-choice on absolutely everything!

I'd like to leave a lenghty description about how everything was settled, but there isn't a need to. I'll leave it this: everything is illuminated.



Now, if only I could figure out my housing situation for next year...

I made peace with Kristin and Annah from our debate team today. It felt like it needed to be done. I wanted them to know that I wasn't mad at them and that I was upset at the team dinner because of the rowdiness, not just Annah and Kristin. Though, they were part of it. Kristin was nice about everything though, and thanked me for letting her know. I didn't realize that she felt that bad about the situation. Hmm. It's strange. This weekend has been so weird and so harsh that I don't know how I feel about anything. It seems that any certainty I can get, even if it is only partially so, makes me feel better about things around me.


After the debate tournament this weekend, so many things have changed. While the tournament went well, things that I never thought could change have changed instantly. I don't know if they are permanent or not, but right now I'm still trying to keep my head clear of thinking about it too much because it hurts.

I don't think I've ever had to question a decision so much in my life before, and it's not a matter of life or death. Perhaps it's the fact that this decision has bearing on how a lot of things will progress from here on in. I'm not ready to ascertain how that will be. Probably because I don't want to know right now.

The wall of everything that used to be is shattered. The pieces are everywhere. Nothing is the same, and I don't think it will ever be. Maybe that's my emotions overriding my thoughts though. They are, after all, ruling how I feel about everything. I feel hurt. I feel unsafe. I feel unsure. But most importantly, I feel betrayed.

Every time I feel better about what happened I'm reminded of how every thing went down, and it stabs sharply into my mind, glaringly, that everything I thought before is not as it really was. And what's more, all the signs were there, I just never picked up on them because I was lead astray in thought.

Reactions have been interesting. I find it weird how I wasn't "supposed" to know about this. I find it weird that I was left alone when all I wanted was some clarity. I find it weird that there is something wrong, but it's being played off like it is ok. It isn't. Not right now, at least.


The lies are, perhaps, what hurt the most though. I never thought such a lie could cut through me like this one has. I don't know what to think about it. When I do think about everything, I can't get past certain key scenarios that fell into place. I can't get past where it was broken. And right now, I don't want to mend it. I just want it to be until I'm ready.

Modest Mouse

Your body may be gone, but I'm gonna carry you in
In my head, and in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so

Well that is that and this is this
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, and in your mouth, in your soul
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so

Well that is that and this is this
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get
You get away from me. You get away from me
Collected my belongings and I left the jail
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile

Well that is that and this is this
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye
When the earth folded in on itself
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath"
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, and in your mouth, in your soul
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the heck could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get
You get away from me. You get away from me

Well that is that and this is this
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?

I'm going through personal anomie and I can't stop listening to emo-music.

Dear God, where are you when I need you?


UPDATE: I'm not suicidal, and this has nothing to do with my major. Personal items only.