Better By Nightfall

I'm not sure if it's a mood swing or my music, but lately I've been doubting myself more than usual. I don't usually doubt myself, mind you, except in a round of roshambo with a seven-year-old. Honestly though, I don't know what's making me feel like I can't pull through my Japanese class. Besides the "amazing" grade I got on my last test--the one that I would consider a atomic bomb on all my academic success in that class this semester--I can't figure out a real objective reason for my doubt.

Last year I never doubted my abilities in my Japanese class. I was always ready for the tests and quizzes, not necessarily because I knew the material, but because I was confident that I would do well no matter what. My former sensei, French-sensei, always made us review the material over and over again, making sure we regurgitated it to the point where we understood it. I remember thinking it was a tedious tax on my time to constantly review the old material from previous weeks classes, but because of it I knew I would do well when quiz and test time came around.

This year, however, the poison of doubt has managed to strike at me. Sure, it coursed throughout my veins, but it never managed to paralyze me--until now. I can honestly say that I don't feel comfortable in my Japanese class this year. Sure, I may know the material to an extent, but I'm not confident in my knowledge. I don't feel like I have the backing in it that I once had. Part of this is due the extended break from using the language this summer, but the other part falls onto my current sensei. While Ehara-sensei is a nice guy, his structure and schedule for understanding the next level of Japanese isn't as well planned or review-oriented as French-sensei's was. I didn't really care that they were different until a few weeks ago when the tide of quizzes and tests finally hit my shore with a torrential force that could rival any hurricane. Obviously, it's hard to understand what I'm saying if you don't have the class. Basically put, the weekly quiz/tests are annoying me because of the point values they have and the fact that fucking up one of the tests not only rapes you, it rapes your grade.

And still, I hear a voice reminding me to breathe and move on. I am breathing, I am moving. I'm trying to adapt, but it's led me to doubt. In my doubt I've grown agitated, annoyed, and weak. I'm not dwelling here, but it's hard to move when you feel you've lost the momentum, the motivation to continue on.

Remember to breathe, and everything will be okay....

Perhaps, but holding my breath might alleviate the pain sooner.