Better By Nightfall

Break time can be a blessing or a curse. I'm not sure what it is in my case. Every time I have break I begin to feel more relieved and, while I do work, I work steadily and relax at the same time. When I don't have break I'm following this schedule of my life and I'm working in pace as best as I can so as not to drown in the constant stream of things. However, when the two are combined, usually from break time back to normal schedule, it's like being thrown back at sea with an anchor tied to my hands and ankles. I initally sink until I find a way to release the anchor or learn how to drag it as best as I can.

The anchor is my burden, it's all these issues that I can't seem to get over. They start small, building in time until they eventually become more than I can handle...and then I begin to sink. Not gradually, mind you. When I sink, I sink rapidly, heavily. Sometimes I try to break free of the ropes. Blistered, broken, bleeding, but to no avail. The darkness surrounds me as I try to kick up to keep up, but soon my lungs feel as if they are about to explode. I begin to feel dizzy, tired. I can't focus. I know I shouldn't breathe or else I'll surely die, but my body tells me it's the only thing I can do. Fighting with every thought I have, with what little strength I have in me, I hold my breathe until I can't feel anymore...

and I'm gone.


I know it's all a mental game. It's all in how I see it, how I feel it, and how I let it take control.

It's powerful because it's evasive, but it always manages to find a way to throw me off guard and toss me back in the water. These thoughts. These feelings. The ropes that find me and bind me.

If only I could let go...


Perhaps this (as in all of these thoughts and feelings) is why I want to set sail to a new course next year. Yet, I know that running away is not the answer. I need to figure out how to confront these thoughts that I fear and somehow sink them before they really sink me.