Better By Nightfall

He paused to take in the air around him, not knowing if it would be the last breath he would take before the plunge. It was times like this that concerned him most, times of pressure and constraint. Times he felt he had little or no control over, regardless of his previous actions to appear or, preferably, be ready. The ripples of each pebble cast seemed to intersect with one another until they overlapped without a sign of division.

At the moment, such was not the situation, but with every breath he inhaled he felt the tremors of its onset. Each pebble had been cast in its own way, and with each an word of action or promise that, by all means, had to be fulfilled for his sake or the sake of those he cared for. And still he wondered if he was too concerned or perhaps, not concerned enough. To him, the line between the two was starting to look more ambiguous by the second. Without some sort of control, he would have to solve the ripple effects of all while trying to balance everything else out. Balance was one element he could manipulate as if to juggle, but usually with some dangerous outcome. That fact alone worried him and he pondered how he could solve for everything and manage to avoid the danger.

He couldn't. The fact that he said he would, that he committed himself to these actions and promises meant that he had to do them. He could just as easily let them go, but with that accrued certain irreversible scars on his character. Scars he need not bare because he knew he was fully capable of fulfilling the actions behind them.

Taking another breath, he realized that if he managed to remain calculated and collected in his actions that balance he wished to keep could easily be maintained still.

These weary eyes do not sympathize
with your simple tragedy

I feel for you, I see your pain
but I have already been down that road
and I dare not return again

I am here for you, to help you
but I am not your instant solution
to the pollution within yourself

Take it all away or learn something new
my shoulder is not designed specifically for tears from you

Looking back at last night's late post, it's clear that I had a severe case of EMO-ness.

While I am feeling better than I was yesterday, I cannot say that I've released myself of the entanglement. I can't right now, and I probably won't be able to for a while. The knife I'll need to cut myself free isn't within reach, and even if I could get it, it would still be a struggle in itself to cut the ropes with my hands tied.

So, until I'm able to cut the ropes, I'm going to continue on like this. I'm trying to be positive, but the ropes are still attached. In time, perhaps, I'll be able to cut myself free of them; or continue to carry them until I can't feel anymore.

Break time can be a blessing or a curse. I'm not sure what it is in my case. Every time I have break I begin to feel more relieved and, while I do work, I work steadily and relax at the same time. When I don't have break I'm following this schedule of my life and I'm working in pace as best as I can so as not to drown in the constant stream of things. However, when the two are combined, usually from break time back to normal schedule, it's like being thrown back at sea with an anchor tied to my hands and ankles. I initally sink until I find a way to release the anchor or learn how to drag it as best as I can.

The anchor is my burden, it's all these issues that I can't seem to get over. They start small, building in time until they eventually become more than I can handle...and then I begin to sink. Not gradually, mind you. When I sink, I sink rapidly, heavily. Sometimes I try to break free of the ropes. Blistered, broken, bleeding, but to no avail. The darkness surrounds me as I try to kick up to keep up, but soon my lungs feel as if they are about to explode. I begin to feel dizzy, tired. I can't focus. I know I shouldn't breathe or else I'll surely die, but my body tells me it's the only thing I can do. Fighting with every thought I have, with what little strength I have in me, I hold my breathe until I can't feel anymore...

and I'm gone.


I know it's all a mental game. It's all in how I see it, how I feel it, and how I let it take control.

It's powerful because it's evasive, but it always manages to find a way to throw me off guard and toss me back in the water. These thoughts. These feelings. The ropes that find me and bind me.

If only I could let go...


Perhaps this (as in all of these thoughts and feelings) is why I want to set sail to a new course next year. Yet, I know that running away is not the answer. I need to figure out how to confront these thoughts that I fear and somehow sink them before they really sink me.

The blog looks different, you say. Yes, well, that's because I'm working on a new template. It's got a kewl theme :D I r t3h smart!

Why is it a blogger template right now? If you recall, blogger updated to a new version, and with that new version came new coding items that I was unable to implement into my blog with it's "archaic" coding. So, I needed to change the old template to one of bloggers templates to see how they coded the new stuff in so I could use it in my new template that will be up soon enough. Besides, you were probably getting tired of the minimalistic EMO look anyway. If not, well, get over it.

The new template will be up soon and I'm not giving any hints on what it is, except to say that I am a genius.

I love Fridays! Friday's are usually great, but they're even better when you don't have any classes. Thank God for good scheduling! :D HAHA!

Today I rearannged my bedroom in the apartment. I de-lofted my bed by myself with a rachet, moved the dresser and desk around, put my bed back together and then cleaned. It sounds really easy and simple, but it really wasn't. I did all of it by myself without ANY help. I didn't really want help either. I think I have a complex about help. If I feel I can do it all by myself then I won't ask for help or, sometimes, when I'm stubborn, I'll carry the burden of trying to figure things out on my own without asking for help. Today was one of those days where I knew I could do it without help, so I did it. It all worked out :D My bedroom is more spacious and flowing. Plus, I don't have to worry about hitting my back on the wall when I crawl into bed becuase my matress is no longer a foot from the celiing!

After all that hard work I really wanted something to drink *wink, wink*. Now, if only I was 21 and could stock my personal fridge like that. HAHAHA! *sigh* Guess I'll have to wait a year and half to wait before that can happen...legally.

I've turned off my cell phone. I've disconnected a method of communication. Don't worry, my actions aren't political or, surprisingly, economical. They are, however, purely experimental.

Last Tuesday my Anthropology teacher brought a concept to my attention: the usage of cell phones to pass the time as a substitute for actual intellectual thinking.

I started to think about how many times I was one of those people he talked about, walking down the quad talking on my cell phone to someone just to pass the time. While I can count the number of times this semester (only because it just started), I can't even begin to count the nubmer of times I was one of those people on my phone while walking down the quad.

So, I decided to experiment. Sure, it's simple. Turn off the cell phone and deal with it, right?

Well, that seems to be the case so far. The last person I talked to on my cell phone before I shut it off was Caryn, who claims to have an addiction to her cellphone. I, however, know I'm not that crazy about my cell phone. When I think about my cell phone usage, I usually use it out of convienece. I have it on me for people to get a hold of me for whatever reason and for me to do the same. There are the occassional conversations with Caryn that really don't fulfill a real purpose outside of chatting and cheering up one another. That's another story in itself though.

Day One
As far as I can tell, no one really misses me not having a number to be reached at readily. Wtih that said, I feel a little more liberated, like I'm not tied down to a certain scedule of events that center around my cell phone. Moreover, I enjoy the extra pocket space and not having to worry about turning it on silent during classes. The constant slew of voice and text messages aren't an issue when you don't have hear or see the phone ring. It's like it fades from your mind.

When I was walking down the quad I wasn't really thinking about anything but classes and how I needed to get a cup of coffee. My phone wasn't even a thought in my mind. Though, it was funny to see an almost closely-knit row of six or seven people each with cell phone at ear chatting away. I began to wonder: Are we that dependent on communication from other people? Or, are we just too bored to deal with what's going on around us? Do we use our cell phones as an evasive device or a device for communication?

From my personal experience, I can say that I use it for both. I've used my cell phone evasivly to avoid the fanatic religious zelots and election crazed gurus that flood the quad throughout the year. Yet, I also use it to keep in touch with people that obviously aren't here. I use it to synchronize meeting times and places with people here, as well as a multitude of other things. Still, I wonder why most of us feel we need to have our cell phones on us at all times? Is it really that big of a necessity?

As far as I can tell, this is just a simple experiment to see how turning off my cell phone affects my network of friends by disabling one source of communication with others. So far I don't see any visible advantages or disadvantages, but I still have six more days to go.