Better By Nightfall

It's insane to think that last year at this time I was anxiously awaiting to hear from all of the graduate programs I applied to back in the fall of 2008. In a weird way, when I look back, it feels incredibly close, yet distant; I remember my tension and uncertainty, but also the excitement. I would check the mail everyday, nervous that I might find that small envelope that closed one door with the simple words, "We're sorry to inform you..."

Yet, I was both talented and lucky enough to get accepted into all of the programs I applied to (well, I did get wait-listed at one, but that counts as more of an acceptance to me!). My scholarship and my belief in my work and abilities propelled me forward and I had confidence and faith in myself beyond measure. I believed that I belonged at the best of graduate schools and that I would shine anew, once more.

It must be obvious from previous entries how much my transition to North Carolina has shaken my confidence and faith.

In my transition, I have struggled and continue to struggle. I have had to confront my loneliness and recognize my independence. I have fought the monsters that plague my department and shielded myself from their insecurities and drama. I have questioned my presence in this place that I initially felt viscerally drawn toward. I have let the growing weight of my uncertainty stack upon me so much so that I have been forced to my knees, only to want a release from it all.

Despite all of my pain, though, I have not given up on myself; I have been blistered, but I am not broken. I refuse to give up out of uncertainty. I refuse to let any asshole tell me that I do not belong here or that I am not worthy enough. I refuse to believe that everything that I have done and all that I am is somehow incompatible with the future that I will decide. I am my transition. My future.

I will fight, and I will not do it alone. When pushed, I will push back with the force of others—with my family and friends who continue to support me, even when I lose sight of the horizon. When I am down, I will try to pick myself back up, and if I cannot, I will look for the trusted hand of a family member or a friend and I will move forward with their aid.

I am better because I believe and because I am blessed to have people who believe in me.

In the words of Dwayne from Little Miss Sunshine: "Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. [...} You do what you love, and fuck the rest."

You do what you love, and fuck the rest.

Thank you, my friends.