Better By Nightfall

Earlier today I was notified by the Director of Graduate Studies at UC-Boulder that I was on the wait list. I have been neither accepted nor rejected. Instead, I'm in academic limbo land in terms of getting admitted to Boulder.

And I'm ok with that.

After attending the Western States Communication Association Convention last weekend, I am happy to say that I will be content with whatever happens. The convention let me see what I was getting into and what I can expect for my many years in the academy. It was overwhelming and strangely enjoyable, but most importantly, it was illuminating. It showed me that the programs I applied to are, indeed, great; but also, there is no one program for me. I can go to many different schools where I fit with the program. I can choose a school that I didn't consider before. I can even take a year or two off if I want to. I mean, I'm only 23, about to be 24, and I have a lot of life left to live outside of the academy.

I knew there were no guarantees with Boulder, though so many people told me it was a sure thing. A part of me always knew that I shouldn't be too invested in the program or the location. It's the reason why I never visited the campus over the summer when I was in the area. It's the reason why I always said "If I get into Boulder." Most importantly, it's the part of me that knew I would end up where I was meant to be for the time being. If that means I'm meant to be in Utah, Indiana, North Carolina or, perhaps, Boise, then that's where I am supposed to be.

In other words, I am not upset and I am not angry. I'll admit that I was a little shocked by not getting admitted, mainly because I had connections to the program; but I am not surprised. I am much younger than the average Ph.D. student. I am doing new and novel research. There is the chance that I may drop out if it is too much. Ultimately, I'm convinced that I am a risky venture for all of the programs I applied to. It's a comforting and nerve-racking thought, but that's the way it should be. It is, as everything worthwhile, a struggle and a journey. Plus, I think my good friend Donna summed it up best when she said, "You would never know what is behind the other door if the first choice was too easy."

She is right and I am content knowing that this life is going to take me places. I did my part in the process and everything from here on out is beyond me. I cannot control the admissions process. I can not make the economy better. I cannot alter decisions that have already been made. All I can do is wait and see what happens, whether I am to stay or go.

But no matter what happens, I promise you this: I will not, under any circumstances, let this break me or all the things that I have done to get to this point. No matter what happens, no matter if I get rejected by all of the programs I applied to and end up in Boise or get accepted to the remaining three, I am happy with everything I have done up to this point. I am strong and resilient. I am smart and I am incredibly talented. I will make do with whatever life throws my way, good or bad, and I will grow from my losses and gains.

No matter what happens, I promise that I will be content because I gave it my all.