Tuesday, March 18, 2008

It's always hurry up and wait; behind the barrel or under the gun. I can't seem to find the happy medium. I can't seem to find the place that will allow me to feel at ease as I progress forward.

Perhaps I am being stretched too thin? I have so many projects to take care of, so many organizations I lead or take part in. I am here. I am there. I am in-between. I am everywhere and nowhere.

Or maybe it just seems that way.

The truth is, this semester has made me feel more bipolar than I ever thought possible (and I am not even clinically diagnosed!). One moment I am excited and motivated to continue working, studying, researching and writing. The next, I am vexed, tired and uninspired. Unfortunately I can't figure out the source of these oscillating emotions and moods. I suspect a great deal of it comes from stress, the ebb and flow of assignments to do and to grade. One day I am ahead, and then the next day I am behind.

Additionally, I believe that the drama—the rumors, mumblings, and uncertainty—is eating away at everyone. While it may start of as a contained thought or concern, the drama often manifests itself in new ways. It becomes aggressive. It swoops into conversations and thoughts and holds them hostage. In the end, we end up discussing things to death out of concern and worry. And in those discussions we lose sight of what we believe in, what we have been working towards. I think we let that drama consume the best of us not only because it is so overwhelming, but because it is so easy to sink beneath the turbulent waves of it. We are inundated with these confusing messages that negate all we've been fighting for and, instead of pushing towards the surface or paddling harder and faster, we let the waves crash down.

Don't get me wrong. It is hard to push, to paddle, to swim instead of sink. I know that I have a hard time doing it. I know that I have let many waves crash down around me. Yet, at the same time, I keep trying to push, to paddle and to swim. I am not going to let uncertainty and fear guide my actions and lead me into inaction. I know better. I am stronger than that. I am better than that.

2 comments:

Bree said...

Hey Mulder, we need to get you some synonyms for "ebb and flow".

"Hydroponics", perhaps?

Nah, that's still in the water metaphor you've had running for a couple years.

I think you secretly want to be a fish.

Feeeeeshie feeeessssshhhie fishie!

Sorry.

Uhm, what?

Oh yeah. Hydroponics. Look into that. XD

-Scully-

PS thanks for the video. It was....disturbing.

carebear said...

All I can say is to start letting go and just be. That's my motto for now....just be.

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