Tuesday, February 05, 2008

I've been meaning to sit down and compose my thoughts here. I've been meaning to return and voice the thoughts that seem to plague my mind. It has been difficult, though. I've been distracted. I've been short on time. I've been up and I've been down. Though writing typically helps me focus, I avoided it by not making time for myself.

Graduate school has made this easy. I feel like I have been consumed by my studies. . .and I have been. Still, it is no excuse for putting my thoughts down.

Upon returning, I want to rid my mind of this apathy I've been feeling lately. I have felt so unmotivated since I returned from Germany. Usually I would chalk this up to my "seasonal affect disorder" (you know, the disorder I don't have), but I feel like I have lost my motivating focus. In my darkest moments I have felt empty.

As I think back on everything, I feel that last semester shook me up. It was so hellaciously strenuous that, when it ended, I felt liberated. Returning home to Germany allowed me to relax and to be with family. In many ways it was the cure for my pain. But now that I am back in Idaho--now that I am back trying to continue on in graduate school--I am starting to believe that my remedy may have been more illusory than I thought. I know I needed the time to be with family and to be away, but I feel like it spoiled me. For the first time since I entered college, I felt so relaxed and so at ease that I didn't do anything. I was at my most apathetic and I loved it.

I guess that's why it has been so difficult to readjust to this semester. I don't want to return to the engaging, but demanding work that lies ahead. While I know this semester will be of great benefit to me, especially if I get a paper finished for a conference, I can't get motivated. I have been trying to find my focus, to find my reason; but I can't.

Voicing this concern has helped, though. Although I do not feel fully reenergized, I feel better. The sense of urgency hasn't hit me, but I know it will. I know I'll feel revivified in time. The question is, how much time will I need?


bardot said...

i'm glad to read that you're back! i've missed reading your words.

school is emotionally draining; it was a tumultuous time for me when i was in college. it was more so after i graduated! in time, it becomes one of those "life experiences," and you become a better, stronger person as you go along.

so take your time in re-adjusting - you have all the time in the world!

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