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Tuesday, March 30, 2004
I feel as though my time has been wasted and that there is nothing for me here. Yes, I know it was my choice. A choice on which I assumed the better of you, but now...
Now, I wonder what I was doing devoting my time to something that means nothing now. To something that I having nothing to show for except the utterance of unworthiness to which I am now bound. And, I suppose in a way it's fine that you say these things about someone you do not know so well, about the dead weight that sways in uncertainty.
Your grouping by name finds me wondering what you really think about me and what you really know. Yes, I know others have come to me. They've told me it's a "challenge"; it's just what you usually do; don't take these words personal. But I want you to know that regardless of what they say this is my decision just as it was yours to say what you said. I want you to know that I understand what you said and why you said it, but I don't feel it was right. I don't feel like I belong in that group. Even now, it makes me wonder if I belong in the bigger group beyond the one you avidly placed me in. I want you and everyone else to know that regardless of your tendencies as they have become known to me through your actions and words, I will decide based on what I feel is best.
I'd like to remind you that I'm only here because I enjoyed this subject. Note that I say enjoyed. I don't like it anymore. I hate the way you've made me feel about all of this now. I feel that I'm worthless and that all my efforts might as well been spent doing what was more important to me: school, homework, friends, fun. Probably most important though, time being spent enjoying myself. As of the moment you said my name, it was like all of this facade of enjoyment crashed down to reveal the truth. I've been doing this for you, and not for myself. I've been doing this because, while I chose to, I'm blind. I thought I belonged here. I thought I needed this. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I come to realize that I don't need this, not like this.
Regardless of what you think, I want you to know that this isn't the first time this has happened. However, the first time it did and I recognized it, I called her on it. I told her that I wouldn't work this way because it was what I'd been doing all along. The proof lay in my weeks with only 30-40 hours of sleep; weekends and holidays given away; my endless devotion to the task without asking for a break or help; my sweat; and my tears. A project that took everything from me. So, I found it incredibly wrong that she could even think to ask me for more than what I gave. When everything wasn't enough, I wondered what else I had to give. However, instead of letting it go as it would appear I am doing now, I confronted her. And no, I wasn't subtle or polite. I was enraged and passionate. I told her everything as I saw it and I didn't hesitate to give full emotion and impact to my words. When the verbal confrontation was over, everything was as it was. She saw my side and I saw hers. However, I did not change my ways. I continued what I had done before with no greater or lesser effort for it was my all to begin with. She, however, did change her ways. She never uttered another word to me and watched as the project progressed into a masterpiece over time.
Now, I'm not advocating the same thing this time. Obviously, or else I would have said something a while ago. Instead, your words have made me wonder because of the key line in my clause: enjoyment. I continued with the first one because it was a job that I signed up to do, and a job that I made a commitment to follow through on when I signed on. This however, is not a job. It is not a task. It is an activity. It was meant for enjoyment. Unlike the others in this, this is not a job to me: I'm not getting anything from this by any means. So that's why I feel this way. You make it seem like this is something more than it is, but it isn't. Furthermore, it never will be to me. I don't want it to be a job, a task, an obligation. I wanted it to be something I thought I loved.
Obviously, though, I'm not cut out for this. Regardless of whatever talents anyone sees in me as a tool for you, I'm never going to amount to what you want me to be because I don't see this situation as you do. I'm not worth your time, your money, or your effort. I really do belong somewhere else, and you alone have proved that to me. So be it a challenge, so be it a truth...whatever it was that you entended. This is what I'm going to do: I'm giving you the rest of the time I'm contracted for under this worthless name. Pending what happens from here to then will determine my final verdict in all fairness. I will try to remain unbiased, but given that you can read my expressions--even if only a clue to how I feel, I think you already know where I stand.
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try
