Monday, November 09, 2009

I think the title of this entry says it all, but in case it is not enough, I will elaborate.

The last three weeks here have been particularly hectic. So hectic, in fact, that I have often thought about quitting the program if things do not improve over the next semester.

I'm not entirely sure when it started, but I believe that it is a feeling that has been under the surface since I started the program here. Without being too specific yet for clarity purposes, I will say that, over the last nine weeks, the image of this program that I thought I came here for has been replaced by something darker.

Darker in that: I cannot understand why so many of the people here are distant and/or judgmental; I still do not understand why no one here has read the research I have already done to know me better; certain people are incredibly rude and inconsiderate of those who have moved from further away than those who came from within the state; everyone has all these ambiguous expectations and no one will clarify what the fuck they mean; and, outside of the program, nothing feels like home--my apartment is still mostly empty and I don't have many people to rely on here.

To top it off, I was also assigned to teach Public Speaking again for the tenth time. While some might find this less of an issue, I think it was the cherry on top of the icing coating the clusterfuck of a cake I've been choking down here. I'm tired of teaching this course, but even more tired of "paying my dues" or "putting my time in" or "jumping through hoops". Haven't I done enough of that already? I thought a Ph.D. program was less about learning the ropes and more about being welcomed into an academic community where you were understood and pushed to develop further in the best ways possible.

I guess I was mislead.

Of course, I'm not throwing the towel in or giving up. Although, I wouldn't necessarily say that leaving would be either of those options in my eyes.

I am going to give it one more semester. One more chance in the hope that things actually improve and that I actually find some happiness, clarity, and warmth out here. One last chance before I lose sight of the real reason I came out here: my future happiness, not my future endless sacrifices whilst bending over the table so I can be repeatedly raped by a broken glass bottle.


Bree said...

Hang in there, buddy.

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