Monday, November 23, 2009

I've been combating my affliction for the past two weeks and I think I've managed to mend some of my wounds. Although it is still too soon to say what will be in the coming semester, it is clear that I am going to finish up here to the best of my abilities. However difficult it may be and however lonely I may be, I am going to push through with the ultimate reward in sight: seeing my family.

I have no doubt that the remaining three weeks will challenge me beyond most everything else (except for the thesis, of course) up to this point. Two major (20-25 pages) papers and one theoretical paper which will inevitably drive me to drink heavily. I'm calling it my Martini Headgear (for Martin Heidegger) paper. All in all, I have my work cut out for me.

In addition to the stress of school, I've decided to go to campus health services to make sure I don't have some strange medical problem. I know that sounds odd to couple with all of this information. After all, you would think I would be headed to health and wellness services for some mental problem, but getting accepted into the Ph.D. program was the mental problem! Besides, I don't think my fatigue, dizziness, and abdominal pain have too much to do with my mental faculties. I'm sure it is just stress, but I want to make sure I'm not pre-diabetic or dealing with something worse. Of course, you might think I'm being paranoid. Maybe I am. I would rather be certain than sorry, though.

On a completely unrelated note, I deleted my twitter account. I'm not surprised if you didn't notice. I did it hastily and unannounced. Although twitter originally was fun to be a part of when it started, I have come to find it increasingly trivializing and downright boring. I enjoyed being able to stay in touch with everyone quickly, yet I secretly detested it. 140 characters into my life and you know nothing more about me; nothing substantial or important. Ultimately I felt that what I was getting out of twitter was a growing disconnection from others--a way of knowing less under the guise of seeing more. Thus, I deleted my account in the hope that those who know me and enjoy talking to me will continue to communicate with me through more genuine means. Type a comment. Write an e-mail. Send a postcard or letter. If I'm not too busy, call me and I may be able to chat. Don't expect to see me around twitter again, though. I'm done with it and, to some extent, some of the status updates I could put up on facebook as well.


Kristen said...

Hey there, friend. I've just read through your last few posts - I'm so sorry life seems to be giving you a bit of a beating right now. I understand about being in a new place and having it not quite live up to the hopes you had for it. I had about six or seven really bad, really lonely months when I moved to Phoenix. I wondered if I had made all the wrong decisions with the wrong priorities in mind. But, very slowly, things started to look up. And while this still isn't necessarily the place I would choose to be if I didn't love my job so much, I've made some connections, introvert though I am, that make it a place worth settling into.

I know that no two situations are exactly alike, but I can certainly sympathize. It sounds like you've resolved to tackle what you're dealing with right now and are keeping an open mind for the future. I think that's a good game plan. Here's hoping that things start to turn around for you and your upcoming semester.

Thister said...

Thanks, Kristen.

I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words. Moving has been much more difficult than I thought and, as my most recent post details, I think I was lost in my own insecurities about being on my own and looking for approval. Yet, as I see more and more everyday, I am a better, stronger, and more well-rounded person than the vast majority of the people in my program. As tough as it has been to be here alone and as tough as it as been to readjust, I am learning that all that matters is that I take care of myself and find others who care about me for me.

Here's to hoping that the future is better, because it will be.

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