Better By Nightfall

This is "Broadripple is Burning" by Margot & the Nuclear So and So's as performed by "The Spring Escape." I actually like this version a lot.

I can't get to sleep tonight, once again.

In the meantime, I am enjoying "Broadripple is Burning" by Margot & The Nuclear So and So's. I highly recommend you check it out.

(And, yes, I'll be updating my blog template over winter break. Three more weeks.)

I've been teased! I've been chasing an illusion for the last week, all the while grasping at something that I knew I could not obtain. I kept thinking that I could somehow reach it and, for a moment, be where I wanted to be. However, now that I am almost at the end, I feel awakened and uplifted in my disillusion.


The course of events for this break were almost the same as before and I followed the routine like clockwork. I let myself believe, as I do every year, that I could and should be beyond what I am capable of. I packed as much as I could into the few days I had, hoping I would be able to do everything. I kept contributing to my burden with every thought of what I needed to do. However, as the days went by, my motivation and sanity quickly depleted. I accomplished a lot, but I never let myself feel good about what I finished. I built myself up only to tear myself down.

Yet, during my seasonal self-fulfilling prophecy, I learned something.

As I was sitting alone listening to Margot & The Nuclear So and So's, I realized that I am a creature of vicious habits. Instead of focusing on the fact that I had survived most of the semester, I had allowed myself to fall into a senseless rut of my own creation. I didn't even let myself see that, though the semester has been tough, I only had three weeks left before I could say, "I made it!"

Though simple enough, it shook off some of the weight I had strapped to myself. I felt lighter. I told myself that I would look on the bright side and break the usual habit.


So, here I sit tonight, working on my homework, yet taking it easy. I am starting to see that I can only do so much until I have to give the rest to time. My life shouldn't be about extra constraints I impose on myself, but, instead, should be about my attempts to break free of those I that I can. I plan to do this as much as possible, whenever I see the opportunities available.

Stress engenders unusual and deviant phenomena both in my life and within me. Though I feel fine during these instances, I am never completely fine. There is always something boiling under the surface, stewing away until it can bubble over into some part of my day, week, or month.

In some ways I have grown accustomed to the undeniable fact that stress will always be a part of my life because I make it part of my life. Stress and I have a symbiotic relationship, if that is even possible. Even though it can be imposed upon me by others, and even though I know it only has as much power over me as I allow it to; we engage in tussles to determine who reigns supreme. Sort of like the Narrator and Tyler Durden in "Fight Club," only not as psychotic nor homoerotic.

I cannot place my finger on the main issue. I cannot determine why my life is and has always, seemingly, been this way. I do, however, know that it is almost entirely mental.

I seem to throw mental roadblocks in my path. However, instead of simple sidewinding curves, my mind goes to the extremes of cliffhanging hairpin turns. I make mountains out of molehills. I see land mines in green grass. Yet, aside from taking it one turn, reach, or step at a time, I can't release myself form this tension.

For some reason, I always feel like I'm under the gun. I'm always on the run without ever knowing where exactly I am going. I cannot shape it no more than stop it because I feel some innate drive within me. I am compelled by it; yet, pushed, pulled, and tugged at the same time.

At the very least, though, I feel like I can handle my stress--my "Tyler Durden"--much better. Being by myself has been tough. Classes have not been easy. Teaching has challenged me more than I thought it would. Yet, I feel inured to this life I have going for me. Sometimes I feel caught up in all of it. Other times, I feel like I am drowning in all of it. At my most desolate, I feel consumed by it.

Most of the times, though, I feel support all around me. It always lingers off in the distance and it is never hard to find, though clouded in stress. Although it often appears as a simple spark in my darkest hours, it becomes the ray of perseverance and hope that guides me through and leads me closer to where I am meant to be.