Better By Nightfall

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. Let me preface this further, though. I'm not being emo, but this is probably the most personal post I am about to write.

All my life I have struggled to get where I am going. I have moved from place to place every three to four years. I have had to build new friendships and say goodbye to old friends. I've been all over the place and I have no real home. At college, I struggled to find friends. Since I do not have dependable family nearby, I have struggled to get through personal issues on my own. I have come to rely on myself more than anyone else in this world. I have been my own worst enemy and my strongest ally. In all of this, I have built myself and grown.

When I came to college four years ago, I did not know what I wanted to be. I thought I wanted to do something with computers because I was a major nerd, but after taking two years of intense math courses (Survey of Calculus, Calculus I, etc.) I realized that Computer Science was not for me. What I had come to find, however, was that Communication meant a great deal to me. Part of this was because I was on the speech and debate team. Part of this was because of our amazing debate coach, because he inspired me. Part of this was because of the classes I took, how well I excelled and how much I enjoyed the material. As I switched majors, my conviction that Communication was the major for me never faltered. I finally felt like I found my niche.

Everything progressed this way since then. I quickly realized I wanted to be a professor because I wanted to inculcate fascinating and fun lessons upon young minds. I wanted to do research and make an impact on the field of Communication. I wanted to be an exemplar for my students to follow, just as many of my professors had been.

Today, however, changed that. Even if only slightly. I'm not saying that I doubt myself, my position, my major, or the path ahead of me. However, I do doubt the politics involved in academia.

Today I received a letter notifying me that I did not get the graduate teaching assistantship I applied for earlier in the month. What's most shocking is that, from what numerous professors in the department told me, I was the top undergraduate applicant. However, it appears that I was passed up for some unknown reason at this time. It shocked me. I was numb to it at first. Now that I have had time to sit and think about it, though, things have changed.

For the first time I am truly questioning what I am doing here. I invested too much into this assistantship and now I might not be able to move past it. I needed it for next year and now it is gone. I do not have much to fall back on to, so it is even tougher. There is a chance I might get another assistantship on campus, but there is no guarantee. Plus, it isn't a teaching assistantship, so it is not applicable to what I want to do. Additionally, if I do not get it, I am at a total loss unless I get a job and take out more loans. I'm in a bind.

Moreover, I am conflicted further by whether or not I should stay in attendance here. If I cannot afford it, I do not think I should continue to struggle through when I have had a hard enough time getting through these four years. I have been so strong, but I question how much stronger I can be. My best friend from childhood, Carrie, reminded me that it's always a struggle and that I am going to have to fight for everything I truly desire. She told me that it wouldn't be worth it if I didn't struggle, but even so, I wonder how much more I can take. I agree with Carrie and I truly appreciate her insight. Now it is just a question of whether or not I can carry it through again. I need to reaffirm myself and recharge myself.

At the same time, though, I want to runaway from it all. I feel like everything is crashing down on me and I can't find anything to hold on to. Instead of staying around, I just want to be free of it all. I want to escape. The sad thing is that there is nowhere to run to, nowhere to go. I have to stick it out and figure it out.

I am strong, though. I know I will be alright and I know this isn't the end of it all. I have been through some crazy things before, so this is nothing new. It was just totally unexpected though. But, if I learned anything at all, I learned that this is something I can do. I learned that no matter how hard things get, I will never give up. I will fight as hard as I can to do what I love and what I believe in. I see everything in front of me, everything that lies ahead, and though the road ahead is obscure, my personal strength tells me it won't be so tough if I truly believe in myself.