Better By Nightfall

I am starting to feel like Bill Murray in Lost in Translation. I have the worst luck getting to sleep at night, not because I am in another place, because I can't put myself at ease. Thoughts keep running through my mind and, for whatever reason, I cannot let them go.

This is nothing new for me, but it seems more intense this semester. No doubt, grad school has played a role in this. However, I feel like this has become more habitual and less endemic than it used to be. It's a nightly thing and I cannot shake it. I think if it were simply school I would be over it. After all, things are going well.

As I sit here, focusing primarily on this issue and putting everything else on hold, I feel relaxed in analysis. I am uncertain about my "insomnia." I've been questioning whether or not it is biological, and I do not think it is. If it were, it seems that it would be more pervasive and harmful. Upon further introspection, I think it might be psychological out of loneliness.¹

Don't get wrong. I enjoy living alone, but I think that my insomnia and loneliness go hand in hand somehow. Although I am skeptical about this point too, it seems to fit more in my mind. After all, when I am up late I am usually talking to my friends over the Internet or on the phone. Of course, these forms of communication are no substitute for face-to-face interaction, and I think that is why I am having a hard time truly overcoming "the loneliness issue." I have friends I interact with on a daily basis, but no one is a good friend. At least, not yet.

To be fair, I have found some relief with some of my good friends who do not live here, but the distance makes it tough. I want to enjoy a pitcher of beer and random stories with them or get a cup of coffee and have an intellectually stimulating conversation, but that cannot happen unless we are in the same place. I also have some new friends in grad school that will likely become good friends. Until then, though, I am lost in my thoughts about everything and nothing. Words that are unvoiced because I do not have anyone who will listen nearby.

I guess it is something I need to get over and come to terms with. After all, I will eventually leave Boise in pursuit of my PhD in a matter of years; I'll have to start over again. If I can overcome it sooner, I will be better off (and have better sleep).


_{1: I don't think it is the coffee or tea. I have reduced my intake dramatically since the end of September. The only thing this would potentially cause is depression!}

Autumn is, without a doubt, my favorite season. The crisp air and cooler temperatures enliven my senses. I feel revitalized by the changing colors, smoky skies, and hazy days. I relish in the ephemeral nature of the season, knowing winter is not far behind.

It is during this time I am most cognizant to the world around me. I take in the changes and reflect on those that have occurred, are occurring, and will occur in my life.

In my solitude, I am able to appreciate where I have been and where I am going.

Adjusting to graduate school has been a difficult process, but I am feeling more at home with each passing day. Each week has brought me closer to finding my voice and my place. Undoubtedly, I continue to struggle. I continue to be pushed and pulled in multiple ways, but I adjust. I change, grow, and move closer to solace and stability.

Perhaps, more importantly, I am starting to understand the motions and norms of the position I hope to attain. Each day as a student, teacher, and committee member illuminates aspects of what I hope will be my future. It furthers my knowledge, making me more adept at what I do.

The changes and adjustments propel me. I remain driven. Inspired.

I will be if I believe.