Better By Nightfall

This weekend I tried to find solace in the chaos of my current situation.

Graduate school has gotten slightly better, but I still question my place here. It is hard to describe exactly what I am feeling. In a strange way, I don't think I can properly put words to my feelings that would explain what "it" is like. I feel out of place, but I know I belong. I do not understand the material, then I grasp it days later. I feel dumb, though I know I am smart. I feel like a fraud, and question if I am.

It is a series of contradictions, constructed entirely in the atmosphere of my mind. The uncertainty coalesces in my mind. It weighs heavy in my thoughts and actions. It ensnares me.

I know that I am not the only graduate student that feels this way. I know I am one of many who is currently struggling with this feeling. I know others who have been through this.

I know this is a phase. I know this will pass in due time.

I know I will get through this.


Though the struggle is painful, I need to remind myself, time and time again, that this is another mountain among countless mountains. I will continue to struggle. I will continue to fight. I will come out on top of this. I will survive this.

I will be better for all my struggles.

There is so much to tell since my hiatus from the blogoshpere. I have missed being able to detail my thoughts and cathartic outbursts. Had I figured out how to properly update and transfer my website information over, this never would have been an issue. I simply would've resumed blogging as usual and, aside from the transfer, not had anything else to worry about.

I'll relate the full story later in more detail. For now, all you need to know is:

• I have returned with a slightly new address and will, of course, continue to blog
  
• I met some amazing cool people this summer, some I hope to stay in touch with for a long time
  
• I met some incredibly annoying people, some I hope to avoid
  
• I grew up a lot this summer
  
• Grad school is crazy