Better By Nightfall

It's insane to think that last year at this time I was anxiously awaiting to hear from all of the graduate programs I applied to back in the fall of 2008. In a weird way, when I look back, it feels incredibly close, yet distant; I remember my tension and uncertainty, but also the excitement. I would check the mail everyday, nervous that I might find that small envelope that closed one door with the simple words, "We're sorry to inform you..."

Yet, I was both talented and lucky enough to get accepted into all of the programs I applied to (well, I did get wait-listed at one, but that counts as more of an acceptance to me!). My scholarship and my belief in my work and abilities propelled me forward and I had confidence and faith in myself beyond measure. I believed that I belonged at the best of graduate schools and that I would shine anew, once more.

It must be obvious from previous entries how much my transition to North Carolina has shaken my confidence and faith.

In my transition, I have struggled and continue to struggle. I have had to confront my loneliness and recognize my independence. I have fought the monsters that plague my department and shielded myself from their insecurities and drama. I have questioned my presence in this place that I initially felt viscerally drawn toward. I have let the growing weight of my uncertainty stack upon me so much so that I have been forced to my knees, only to want a release from it all.

Despite all of my pain, though, I have not given up on myself; I have been blistered, but I am not broken. I refuse to give up out of uncertainty. I refuse to let any asshole tell me that I do not belong here or that I am not worthy enough. I refuse to believe that everything that I have done and all that I am is somehow incompatible with the future that I will decide. I am my transition. My future.

I will fight, and I will not do it alone. When pushed, I will push back with the force of others—with my family and friends who continue to support me, even when I lose sight of the horizon. When I am down, I will try to pick myself back up, and if I cannot, I will look for the trusted hand of a family member or a friend and I will move forward with their aid.

I am better because I believe and because I am blessed to have people who believe in me.

In the words of Dwayne from Little Miss Sunshine: "Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. [...} You do what you love, and fuck the rest."

You do what you love, and fuck the rest.

Thank you, my friends.

As part of my motivational drive and as a means of keeping track of my progress, I've decided to start a side blog dedicated to documenting my runs, moods, mileage, successes and failures. Since I plan to run three full races this quarter, I know I will need to see my progress if I am going to feel like I am accomplishing anything. Plus, it will help me separate my running, a joyful activity in my daily life, from some of the mundane items that I blog about on here.

If you are interested in reading about my "running spirit," check out Rez Can Run.

In keeping tabs on some of my New Year's resolutions and holding fast to the many good things I have in my life, I've decided to document crucial quarterly words that I foresee as countervailing forces to the hectic nature of my life as a graduate student. In short, the following items are things that I am doing, will continue to do, and hope to ultimately be better for upon completion.

Organized. In combating some of the hellaciousness of last semester, you might be surprised to know that I finally have a desk! Yes, I too find it hard to believe that I survived a whole semester of graduate school without one, but I did. Although others said it was impossible to write papers at the office with fellow colleagues running about and talking to everyone, I managed to do it! Of course, I was also resolute about finishing my papers and frequently pushed people away because they were disrupting my creative flow.

In staying organized, I also purchased two desk calendars (one for school and one for home) and an agenda. Since I have three graduate classes, a language class, multiple races, I need to keep composed and orderly or else I might lose it. This also means that I will have to be rigidly responsible with my time. That is, as much fun as it is to drink with my fellow peers, it is more important to be dedicated to my quarterly projects than fall behind for the sake of socializing all the time.

Disciplined. This semester I am also learning Czech. However, it has already started off difficult. When I signed up for the course I did not realize that there was a course to be taken before this one. (Apparently the holds that would exist as prerequisite blocks for taking the continuation course do not exist here.) Therefore, I have to learn the first three chapters of the Czech language book with strong volition and a few meetings with a tutor.

Although this is my family's "mother" language (from about 60 years ago), I am finding it hard to pick up because the lip and tongue positioning and inflections required are challenging. In particular, the "Č" and "Ř" are incredibly difficult to pronounce in certain words. I know I will get them down in due time, though.


Fitness. Recently, I started a membership with a local gym so I can work on becoming more fit and find time to get some lighter runs in as I continue to learn more about outside running trails. The gym I'm with is nice, but what is even better is that I got a trainer. Yes, I know that having a trainer is not cheap, but I only have my trainer for eight weeks. After that time I hope I will have learned some key excises so that I can continue to whip my ass into shape. In the meantime, though, it will be nice to have someone pushing me to do more and reminding me that I can become fit if I workout and eat right. Also, my first assessment begins tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be labeled a raging fatass! Can't wait for that! Hahah!


Running. Of course, if training at the gym isn't enough to keep me active, I have also registered for three races. On February 6th, I'll get back into the competitive racing spirit with a nice and mellow 5k. There will be some light hills during this run, but it should be manageable and enjoyable. A month later, I will complete my first half marathon at the Roanoke Rapids Canal run. I have to admit that I am extremely nervous about this run, especially since I will be doing the training all by myself; yet I am also excited to push myself to do this. Finally, after I complete my first half marathon, I will be racing in the Tar Heel 10 miler. This course will be particularly challenging because of all of the hills, but I am hopeful that my half marathon training will keep me in tune for this run that finishes right in Kenan Stadium!

Forecasting. Naturally, I am concerned about moving out of my current apartment, and my lease doesn't expire until July. However, I have wanted to move out of this apartment complex ever since the first month. It's not the worse complex in the area, rather it is that some of the community members are incredibly annoying (like my neighbors), the rent is too expensive for the location and the supposed benefits, and I am too far away from almost everyone and everything. Therefore, a colleague and I are planning on moving into an apartment in April/May to save money and, hopefully be closer to the campus.

In the meantime, I am also looking for a summer job that I can do in the area or with the park service. This is tricker, though, because I want to be within the area and, ideally, I would only like a part time job. If, however, I am strapped for cash, I will take on a full time job and rock my summer into the second year of my Ph.D. program. For now, though, I'm not thinking too hard about the summer or the job situation. I know it will sort itself out in time, and I know that I will be just fine, albeit a bit tore up from the high impact of this quarter of this year of my life.


Eh-o! Here's to the start of an incredible new year that will be my year!

It's official! My sister and I just ordered our tickets to check out Something Corporate in Cal-i-for-ni-a! I'm so excited and stoped for the concert and it is months away. Plus, it is one of the big things I am looking forward to about this year.

Yet, the funny thing about all of this is that nothing else is really planned out. Although we just dropped $110 combined, we have yet to figure out our flights, hotel, and, since I will be 25, my first ever car reservation. Still, in all of the uncertainty and impetuousness, I am thrilled! Traveling across the country, hanging out with my little sister, and rockin' a concert will be the pièce de résistance of this year. This is going to be quite an adventure and it has already begun. . .

So pull me under your weather patterns
Your cold fronts and the rain don't matter
Because a sun burns what I needed

Proud to be a member and an alumnus of Bronco Nation!

GO ORANGE! GO BIG BLUE! FIGHT! FIGHT! B-S-U!

(And what a win it was!!)

I have to admit that I am not too fond of New Year's resolutions. It has been my experience that most resolutions are broken or forgotten in the daily and weekly happenings of a year. Hence, I typically do not usually make resolutions.

Yet, this year, I feel that I can write a list of resolutions and then use this blog to keep tabs on them from time to time. Although some of these resolutions may be broken or forgotten as the year progresses, I figure that it is worth my time and efforts to have some annual goals to keep me motivated when the days run thin this year. Besides, who said having goals was a bad thing?

In thinking about what I want to be able to do by next year, I have taken inventory of the many situations I have encountered over the last year and have artfully attempted to detail a litany of practical intent. Although some of this items may not be completed at all or fully, I think the merits are in the effort. Without further ado:

Resolutions for 2010

1. Learn to be more forgiving of others.
   
2. Be more honest in my thoughts and opinions and let others know how I feel.
   
3. Run at least one half marathon by the end of the year.
   
4. Become more fit, primarily with my upper body.
   
5. Get six-pack abs!
   
6. Learn two foreign languages. (I've selected Czech, which I will be taking courses in for the year, and French, which will be completed in part through RosettaStone and conversations with Hillary the French Master!.)
   
7. Take more pictures and become a better photographer.
   
8. Get a paper in the publication process.
   
9. Get two papers to a conference (or two).
   
10. Get rid of my credit card debt and keep the new balance below $500 thereafter.
    
11. Begin saving up to $5000 for the day I leave North Carolina.
    

Not only do these resolutions run the gamut of my personal life, but I also think they provide for plenty of blog-worthy material. That is, hopefully I will quit blogging about my tumultuous times with fame monsters, unruly students, and other oddballs in my life! (One could only hope, right?) Furthermore, it is my hope that I will be able to keep track of my progress on each of these resolutions and continue to make good on as many of them as possible if I remind myself of my progress. In this sense, then, I hope that by giving life to these resolutions that they become just that--firm decisions for action.

Cheers to 2010! May it be a year of painful growth, joy, sadness, and resolve.

Yesterday evening with the rest of the graduate students was quite revealing. It was familial yet frenzied; an inviting get-together that was more illuminating to me personally than anything else I have seen and experienced this semester. It opened up my eyes so wide that I realized I had been somatically moving through this semester without recognizing the reality around me.

Six hours revealed the graduate students of this department for who they really were: overly dramatic celebutants or fame monsters. (It seems even more fitting that at least one to two hours of the night were almost devoted to discussions about Lady Gaga as well.)

In short, I've come to the conclusion that I am more adult than the vast majority of my fellow graduate students. Instead of treating others with respect and common decency, there are many here who are childish, selfish, and downright ill-mannered. These individuals have no sense for collegial congeniality and are so wrapped up in themselves that they cannot see beyond the current situation. They are insecure and so pretentious, tirelessly working for attention in fear of the missed glance or longing glare.

These people are the reason I know I am a better person. In this one evening they revealed to me how genuine, sincere, and compassionate I am, all while being themselves in the face of company.

I am no longer burdened by the drama these people continue to produce in attempts to bury everyone in their wake. I am not longer worried that I am different or the so unknown. Instead, I am proud to know that I am resolutely mature, personable without pretentiousness, and secure enough in my own skin.

I am the best person I can be and no one—professor, graduate student, frienemy, or fame monster—is going to make me lose sight of all that I am.

My favorite cheesecake to make. It is light, simple, sweet yet tart.


Happy Thanksgiving!

I love Trader Joe's Pretzel Bread so much that I decided to look and see if there were any comparable recipes. Sure enough I found one and I can't wait to make some, but with cheese tops just like those in Germany.

Maybe I'll start a bakery?

I've been combating my affliction for the past two weeks and I think I've managed to mend some of my wounds. Although it is still too soon to say what will be in the coming semester, it is clear that I am going to finish up here to the best of my abilities. However difficult it may be and however lonely I may be, I am going to push through with the ultimate reward in sight: seeing my family.

I have no doubt that the remaining three weeks will challenge me beyond most everything else (except for the thesis, of course) up to this point. Two major (20-25 pages) papers and one theoretical paper which will inevitably drive me to drink heavily. I'm calling it my Martini Headgear (for Martin Heidegger) paper. All in all, I have my work cut out for me.

In addition to the stress of school, I've decided to go to campus health services to make sure I don't have some strange medical problem. I know that sounds odd to couple with all of this information. After all, you would think I would be headed to health and wellness services for some mental problem, but getting accepted into the Ph.D. program was the mental problem! Besides, I don't think my fatigue, dizziness, and abdominal pain have too much to do with my mental faculties. I'm sure it is just stress, but I want to make sure I'm not pre-diabetic or dealing with something worse. Of course, you might think I'm being paranoid. Maybe I am. I would rather be certain than sorry, though.


On a completely unrelated note, I deleted my twitter account. I'm not surprised if you didn't notice. I did it hastily and unannounced. Although twitter originally was fun to be a part of when it started, I have come to find it increasingly trivializing and downright boring. I enjoyed being able to stay in touch with everyone quickly, yet I secretly detested it. 140 characters into my life and you know nothing more about me; nothing substantial or important. Ultimately I felt that what I was getting out of twitter was a growing disconnection from others--a way of knowing less under the guise of seeing more. Thus, I deleted my account in the hope that those who know me and enjoy talking to me will continue to communicate with me through more genuine means. Type a comment. Write an e-mail. Send a postcard or letter. If I'm not too busy, call me and I may be able to chat. Don't expect to see me around twitter again, though. I'm done with it and, to some extent, some of the status updates I could put up on facebook as well.

Or more like two weeks ago, but I thought I should post the photos for your viewing pleasure.

. . .find the resources necessary to do so and become stronger for it.

Although I am not wholly better after venting my frustrations and concerns, I do feel somewhat better in the realization that I have an amazing support system of friends and family who have helped me think through my personal issues. I feel comforted by their words as I continue to struggle through my program and I am incredibly thankful for them.

It has been tough to occupy this liminal space, especially since I feel so alone. However, I know that I am not so isolated. I have support, although it is distanced. I have faith, even though I am clouded by hopelessness. I have my convictions, though I doubt my abilities.

It's time to turn toward the fight, and not away from it. It will inevitably include psychosomatic bruises and strains, and uncertain pain, but I am better for it. I am better than what I was and will be better in what I become.

I think the title of this entry says it all, but in case it is not enough, I will elaborate.

The last three weeks here have been particularly hectic. So hectic, in fact, that I have often thought about quitting the program if things do not improve over the next semester.

I'm not entirely sure when it started, but I believe that it is a feeling that has been under the surface since I started the program here. Without being too specific yet for clarity purposes, I will say that, over the last nine weeks, the image of this program that I thought I came here for has been replaced by something darker.

Darker in that: I cannot understand why so many of the people here are distant and/or judgmental; I still do not understand why no one here has read the research I have already done to know me better; certain people are incredibly rude and inconsiderate of those who have moved from further away than those who came from within the state; everyone has all these ambiguous expectations and no one will clarify what the fuck they mean; and, outside of the program, nothing feels like home--my apartment is still mostly empty and I don't have many people to rely on here.

To top it off, I was also assigned to teach Public Speaking again for the tenth time. While some might find this less of an issue, I think it was the cherry on top of the icing coating the clusterfuck of a cake I've been choking down here. I'm tired of teaching this course, but even more tired of "paying my dues" or "putting my time in" or "jumping through hoops". Haven't I done enough of that already? I thought a Ph.D. program was less about learning the ropes and more about being welcomed into an academic community where you were understood and pushed to develop further in the best ways possible.

I guess I was mislead.

Of course, I'm not throwing the towel in or giving up. Although, I wouldn't necessarily say that leaving would be either of those options in my eyes.

I am going to give it one more semester. One more chance in the hope that things actually improve and that I actually find some happiness, clarity, and warmth out here. One last chance before I lose sight of the real reason I came out here: my future happiness, not my future endless sacrifices whilst bending over the table so I can be repeatedly raped by a broken glass bottle.

Currently enjoying her new tower bed by the couch.

It's not a laughing matter!

While talking to my mom this weekend about the recent events over the last two to three weeks (yes, I know, that's a long time to go without talking to the parentals) I mentioned that dating was quite the perplexing dilemma for me. I'm not a big fan of dating, as you may know. It's not that I'm anti-relationships, rather I am anti-dating. In fact, I think Vince Vaughn summed it up best in Wedding Crasher's when he stated:

I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels.

Indeed, I typically avoid dating discussions in general, but I especially avoid them with my mother. I think there is something to be said about avoiding maternal wisdom on dating, too. It's not that I don't respect or like what she has to say, but rather, my mother usually contextualizes the whole situation and then decides where the sympathizes should ultimately lie. Sometimes they are with me, sometimes they are with the young woman involved. In general, though, I avoid such conversations because they feel a little awkward. In other words, it's not as easy to talk about relationships with my mother as it is to talk about them with my father.

That being said, I felt it was appropriate to discuss my dating situation or lack thereof with my mother this weekend. It was actually a good conversation that made me feel I could talk to her about dating in the future. That is, except for her comment that came up later in the conversation when we ended up talking about Sookie Stackhouse (as contrasted to Bella from Twilight):

All the men that Sookie sees have one major imperfection, so she keeps moving on and remains independent and true to herself, sort of like how you are with all these young women.

Forget the fact that my mom clearly compared me to a fictional female from the fantasy realm where lascivious roam, did she just call me a whore?

. . .but this is too hilarious not to post.

Some guy totally spoofed Shakira's newest video and it is HILARIOUS! Check it out below (and know that it is not pornographic):



If you haven't seen the original video for She Wolf by Shakira, I recommend you check it out too.

In an attempt to make my empty apartment feel a little bit more like home, I have been purchasing frames and processing photos. Although they don't do much to fill up the place in terms of space, they do make it look more like home and, at the very least, the place is not so dull anymore.

These photos are hanging right by the kitchen in the "dining room" area (that has nothing in it).

These photos are hanging in the slim hallway next to the bathroom.


In other good news, I finally got my couch...err "metro sleeper" from Urban Outfitters. It's incredibly comfortable and lightweight, but it is quite small. It will work nice in my office in the future, but for now I have it out in the living room since there was no seating out in the area. Pitch is modeling it off, MadMen Style.

Again, I am still patiently attempting to fill in all the empty spaces. Slowly, but surely.

Postcards. I love postcards! Today I picked up some swanky postcards to send to family and friends. They are not only great to send and receive, but they are wonderful disruptive devices that I use to reward myself for getting stuff done in a timely manner (I know, NERD ALERT!). One of the boxes that I bought is a series of 30 amazingly baleful, melancholic, whimsy, and hip postcards of the art by Jordan Crane. I love his artwork and I am seriously having a tough time deciding which cards to send to others and which ones I want to keep and frame!

Rain. Autumn in the North Carolina is quite different from autumn in Idaho. Instead of leaves changing colors and borderline freezing temperatures we get rain and gray skies. I know some people were depressed by it today, but I certainly welcomed the crisp air and dampness—it was refreshing. Unfortunately, though, the leaves aren't really changing colors here like they do in Idaho. I've been told that, due to our location, the leaves don't really change too much in general unless it gets much cooler. Although I might not get to see the season change the color of the leaves, I am happy that I am experiencing something new. Plus, it's nice to see everyone walking around with umbrellas.

Curtains. With the weather getting colder, I decided to hang up some roman shades to cover the windows. It was fun to drill into the wall—to do something with my hands instead of my mind—and to hang up something that is not only stylish, but also eco-friendly! I can already tell that to room is warmer than yesterday and now I am sure that when I sleep it will be even more like a coma! Huzzah!

As cliche and stereotypical as the show can be, Glee is hands down one of the most hilarious shows I have seen. I suppose it doesn't hurt that the music is catchy too. It is all a marketing ploy, but I love it.

This week's episode pitted the guys against the girls:

The Guys



The Girls


Personally I thought the guys kicked it better than the girls. And, yeah, I recognize that I am critiquing the show as if I have something substantial to say.

What? You want to fight about it?