Better By Nightfall

The phone rings, it's dark
and you want to talk
and I am here

The story repeats, it's 8:49
and you want to talk
and I am here...
because I'm supposed to be

I've been thinking about next year a lot lately, mainly because it seems to be a topic that keeps resurfacing for various reasons during random intervals of stress and space.

Originally I was thinking about next year because I wanted to go to Japan during my junior year to extend my Japanese Minor education and finally become fluent in the language. I wanted to spend at least a semester there to experience life in Japan before I decided to continue on there under the JET Program after graduating college. I admit, too, that at the beginning of this year part of me wanted to leave to Japan next year because I felt like I needed to be somewhere else next year. I chalk this up to the nomadic soul I've obtained from being a dependent in the military and moving every three to four years.

But, that's where original thinking for next year left me. I hadn't really thought about anything else in the works for next year until these last two weeks when things around the apartment started getting somewhat strange. I admit that this is just my perception of events, but it seems like everyone here is somewhat divided on what I now dub: "The Politics of Stress and Space."

Everyone goes through stress and everyone needs their own space, but the real question is: When is it too much?

Apparently this question has been stretched here as of late. Everyone has been stressed out about a number of things. Lacey has been stressing about credits for next semester and the apartment not being clean; Barton has been stressing out about his job and school work (at times); I've been stressing out about next semester, debate, and a plethora of other things...Including what Lacey believes is the male version of PMS (minus certain bodily functions that come attached with that prescription); and Brad, well, he doesn't really stress because he doesn't really care...about anything...really.

Obviously we've all been at ends with stress and it can really pile on at times. When it does, we all vie for space to breathe, to escape, to think, to not think, to just break the stress down. However, when does the space become too much that it almost feels like abandonment? When does it make the others around you feel like you're not connected to them?

As of right now, I can't really answer that question. I know that Barton has been giving Lacey and I(?) space by hanging out with Joe and Bunya. I know Brad is hardly ever here, so we have space enough from him...minus the stench from the dishes not being done, the trash not being taken out, and the apartment rarely being cleaned by him (because Lacey and I have clean the kitchen/apartment area more than anyone else here). Lacey gives adequate space when she's busy or senses that someone needs space. As for me, I'm confused on these politics of space. I'm not sure if I'm giving space or just ignoring the others because I'm worrying about myself, or doing nothing at all.

As such, it's made for a mess of how everyone feels about everyone else in the apartment. Although, there is a growing consensus that Brad needs to clean and, yes, douche. And yet, he was the one who I thought would be the variable in this apartment. However, it has come to my attention that we are all variable to stress and space. Because of our stress and give and take of space, we've all separated ourselves from one another at times. This can, of course, be good when it is needed. I'm certainly not complaining about the space I need when I'm not in a good mood. However, I'm concerned that the space between may actually be too much at times. And it might just be me. It seems that I spend most of my time with Lacey, rarely any time with Barton (aside from debate class and tournaments), and almost no time with Brad. Granted, part of this can be attributed to class schedules and the fact that Barton and Brad work. Yet, it is those times when no one is working or in class, when we're all here, that I sense there is too much space. Sure, we might be working on homework or playing video games or, as crazy as it sounds, listening to the news on the election...but it's not together.

Now, I'm not preaching the old Barney and Freinds motto of "I love you, you love me...", but rather just being together as friends and going to the movies, talking, et cetera every now and then. We really haven't done that this year, and when we have it's always been with other people to the point that it almost seems like a division of friendships. Kind of like being on different islands, but in the same general area. We're together, but we're not.

So, maybe I'm reading into it too much?

Maybe, but the fact that Barton was talking about moving into an apartment next year with Joe and Bunya kind of struck a nerve. I know he feels that Lacey and I are abandoning him in our absence next year...but there is no certainty that I'm going to be gone for the whole year, or even at all. While I originally talked about going to Japan for at least a semester, possibly a year, it isn't set it stone. My parents are in agreement of my extended study in Japan, but they want to know the monetary values attached before anything becomes solidified. (I have yet to set up an appointment with the International Study Abroad Coordinator too.) As such, the fact that he was talking about the apartments for next year and leaving me out kind of perplexed me. I've never said I was going to Japan for sure for the whole year or even at all. I have said that I'd like to go and that I'm planning on it, but it's not certain. It's funny, I know it's not even a big issue and it's melodramatic to write a lengthy post about it, but it all goes back to the afore mentioned politics and, I'm sure, various other alternate causalities. Still, it boils down to the question I have yet to answer: Is there too much space or is there a perceived division in the making?

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Learn about the JET Program
The World Factbook: Japan

Tips on How to Deal with your Roommate.
Take a quiz on doing the dishes

Want Barney?
Sing along with Barney (I'm not crazy!)

Random: A recent picture of ME

Let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something, yeah something...I just gotta get myself over me. -- The Format :: The First Single (You Know Me)

Well, needless to say it was an eventful weekend. While I was more than nervous and in a state of serious uncertainty, I managed to have a great weekend in Tacoma. Our team placed first in sweepstakes with a grand total of 236 points, killing the other competition. I also managed to help contribute points to that total this time! I broke in my Informative Speech event and was the fifth finalist out of 13! Yay for hardware!

Other than that, I learned a lot about some of our teammates--possibly more than I needed to know about some of them. Aside from the snoring from our roommate in the hotel, John, it was a good weekend and I'm glad I got through it and enjoyed the rollercoaster ride that it was.

Talk about a sudden rush of anxiety. Tonight I felt like everything was crashing down on me and, even now, I'm wondering why and how to soothe it so it doesn't affect me later. I'm not sure, but I think it's the combination of class scheduling and this weekends debate tournament. Maybe it is too much?

I don't know if I can take it...

Holy goodness! I've been eating food like it's the end of the world. These last two weeks have been my most ravenous yet. As such, these last to weeks shall be known as "Josephina's Wrath" as I've managed to eat nearly $70 dollars worth of groceries away.

I know, that's A LOT of groceries. Most of it was Easy Mac, Ramen, and some salads...and now most of it is gone. It just amazes me how much of a hunger streak I've been running. I know my body is growing and that, because of swimming and aerobic activity, I'm eating more to keep the calorie intake up, but that's still a lot of food that should've lasted longer.

Today, for example, I had: A bowl of cereal, 4 glasses of milk, 2 cups of tea, 2 Easy Macs, 1 Hot Pocket, 1 Salad, 1 Apple with caramel Dip, half a bag of Chips, at least 9 of Barton's Mom's delicious and moist cookies, and some skittles.

I don't know what that sounds like to every one else, but that certainly sounds like a lot of food to me. Is it just a hunger streak fueling my growth or am I just a ravenous freak trying to engulf everything around me?

I think I need to work out more...

Damn you, Josephina, damn you!