Better By Nightfall

Well Actually I've Got Friends Who Will Help Me Pull Through

2010-01-27T19:56:00.007-05:00

It's insane to think that last year at this time I was anxiously awaiting to hear from all of the graduate programs I applied to back in the fall of 2008. In a weird way, when I look back, it feels incredibly close, yet distant; I remember my tension and uncertainty, but also the excitement. I would check the mail everyday, nervous that I might find that small envelope that closed one door with the simple words, "We're sorry to inform you..."

Yet, I was both talented and lucky enough to get accepted into all of the programs I applied to (well, I did get wait-listed at one, but that counts as more of an acceptance to me!). My scholarship and my belief in my work and abilities propelled me forward and I had confidence and faith in myself beyond measure. I believed that I belonged at the best of graduate schools and that I would shine anew, once more.

It must be obvious from previous entries how much my transition to North Carolina has shaken my confidence and faith.

In my transition, I have struggled and continue to struggle. I have had to confront my loneliness and recognize my independence. I have fought the monsters that plague my department and shielded myself from their insecurities and drama. I have questioned my presence in this place that I initially felt viscerally drawn toward. I have let the growing weight of my uncertainty stack upon me so much so that I have been forced to my knees, only to want a release from it all.

Despite all of my pain, though, I have not given up on myself; I have been blistered, but I am not broken. I refuse to give up out of uncertainty. I refuse to let any asshole tell me that I do not belong here or that I am not worthy enough. I refuse to believe that everything that I have done and all that I am is somehow incompatible with the future that I will decide. I am my transition. My future.

I will fight, and I will not do it alone. When pushed, I will push back with the force of others—with my family and friends who continue to support me, even when I lose sight of the horizon. When I am down, I will try to pick myself back up, and if I cannot, I will look for the trusted hand of a family member or a friend and I will move forward with their aid.

I am better because I believe and because I am blessed to have people who believe in me.

In the words of Dwayne from Little Miss Sunshine: "Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. [...} You do what you love, and fuck the rest."

You do what you love, and fuck the rest.

Thank you, my friends.

Runner's Spirit

2010-01-18T14:14:00.002-05:00

As part of my motivational drive and as a means of keeping track of my progress, I've decided to start a side blog dedicated to documenting my runs, moods, mileage, successes and failures. Since I plan to run three full races this quarter, I know I will need to see my progress if I am going to feel like I am accomplishing anything. Plus, it will help me separate my running, a joyful activity in my daily life, from some of the mundane items that I blog about on here.

If you are interested in reading about my "running spirit," check out Rez Can Run.

2010 First Quarter Words

2010-01-17T20:53:00.006-05:00

In keeping tabs on some of my New Year's resolutions and holding fast to the many good things I have in my life, I've decided to document crucial quarterly words that I foresee as countervailing forces to the hectic nature of my life as a graduate student. In short, the following items are things that I am doing, will continue to do, and hope to ultimately be better for upon completion.

Organized. In combating some of the hellaciousness of last semester, you might be surprised to know that I finally have a desk! Yes, I too find it hard to believe that I survived a whole semester of graduate school without one, but I did. Although others said it was impossible to write papers at the office with fellow colleagues running about and talking to everyone, I managed to do it! Of course, I was also resolute about finishing my papers and frequently pushed people away because they were disrupting my creative flow.

In staying organized, I also purchased two desk calendars (one for school and one for home) and an agenda. Since I have three graduate classes, a language class, multiple races, I need to keep composed and orderly or else I might lose it. This also means that I will have to be rigidly responsible with my time. That is, as much fun as it is to drink with my fellow peers, it is more important to be dedicated to my quarterly projects than fall behind for the sake of socializing all the time.

Disciplined. This semester I am also learning Czech. However, it has already started off difficult. When I signed up for the course I did not realize that there was a course to be taken before this one. (Apparently the holds that would exist as prerequisite blocks for taking the continuation course do not exist here.) Therefore, I have to learn the first three chapters of the Czech language book with strong volition and a few meetings with a tutor.

Although this is my family's "mother" language (from about 60 years ago), I am finding it hard to pick up because the lip and tongue positioning and inflections required are challenging. In particular, the "Č" and "Ř" are incredibly difficult to pronounce in certain words. I know I will get them down in due time, though.

Fitness. Recently, I started a membership with a local gym so I can work on becoming more fit and find time to get some lighter runs in as I continue to learn more about outside running trails. The gym I'm with is nice, but what is even better is that I got a trainer. Yes, I know that having a trainer is not cheap, but I only have my trainer for eight weeks. After that time I hope I will have learned some key excises so that I can continue to whip my ass into shape. In the meantime, though, it will be nice to have someone pushing me to do more and reminding me that I can become fit if I workout and eat right. Also, my first assessment begins tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be labeled a raging fatass! Can't wait for that! Hahah!

Running. Of course, if training at the gym isn't enough to keep me active, I have also registered for three races. On February 6th, I'll get back into the competitive racing spirit with a nice and mellow 5k. There will be some light hills during this run, but it should be manageable and enjoyable. A month later, I will complete my first half marathon at the Roanoke Rapids Canal run. I have to admit that I am extremely nervous about this run, especially since I will be doing the training all by myself; yet I am also excited to push myself to do this. Finally, after I complete my first half marathon, I will be racing in the Tar Heel 10 miler. This course will be particularly challenging because of all of the hills, but I am hopeful that my half marathon training will keep me in tune for this run that finishes right in Kenan Stadium!

Forecasting. Naturally, I am concerned about moving out of my current apartment, and my lease doesn't expire until July. However, I have wanted to move out of this apartment complex ever since the first month. It's not the worse complex in the area, rather it is that some of the community members are incredibly annoying (like my neighbors), the rent is too expensive for the location and the supposed benefits, and I am too far away from almost everyone and everything. Therefore, a colleague and I are planning on moving into an apartment in April/May to save money and, hopefully be closer to the campus.

In the meantime, I am also looking for a summer job that I can do in the area or with the park service. This is tricker, though, because I want to be within the area and, ideally, I would only like a part time job. If, however, I am strapped for cash, I will take on a full time job and rock my summer into the second year of my Ph.D. program. For now, though, I'm not thinking too hard about the summer or the job situation. I know it will sort itself out in time, and I know that I will be just fine, albeit a bit tore up from the high impact of this quarter of this year of my life.

Eh-o! Here's to the start of an incredible new year that will be my year!

Come On Sweet Catastrophe. . .

2010-01-06T16:53:00.009-05:00

It's official! My sister and I just ordered our tickets to check out Something Corporate in Cal-i-for-ni-a! I'm so excited and stoped for the concert and it is months away. Plus, it is one of the big things I am looking forward to about this year.

Yet, the funny thing about all of this is that nothing else is really planned out. Although we just dropped $110 combined, we have yet to figure out our flights, hotel, and, since I will be 25, my first ever car reservation. Still, in all of the uncertainty and impetuousness, I am thrilled! Traveling across the country, hanging out with my little sister, and rockin' a concert will be the pièce de résistance of this year. This is going to be quite an adventure and it has already begun. . .

So pull me under your weather patterns
Your cold fronts and the rain don't matter
Because a sun burns what I needed

Go Broncos!

2010-01-05T00:04:00.003-05:00

Proud to be a member and an alumnus of Bronco Nation!

GO ORANGE! GO BIG BLUE! FIGHT! FIGHT! B-S-U!

(And what a win it was!!)

The Resolution(s)

2010-01-02T07:45:00.010-05:00

I have to admit that I am not too fond of New Year's resolutions. It has been my experience that most resolutions are broken or forgotten in the daily and weekly happenings of a year. Hence, I typically do not usually make resolutions.

Yet, this year, I feel that I can write a list of resolutions and then use this blog to keep tabs on them from time to time. Although some of these resolutions may be broken or forgotten as the year progresses, I figure that it is worth my time and efforts to have some annual goals to keep me motivated when the days run thin this year. Besides, who said having goals was a bad thing?

In thinking about what I want to be able to do by next year, I have taken inventory of the many situations I have encountered over the last year and have artfully attempted to detail a litany of practical intent. Although some of this items may not be completed at all or fully, I think the merits are in the effort. Without further ado:

Learn to be more forgiving of others.
Be more honest in my thoughts and opinions and let others know how I feel.
Run at least one half marathon by the end of the year.
Become more fit, primarily with my upper body.
Get six-pack abs!
Learn two foreign languages. (I've selected Czech, which I will be taking courses in for the year, and French, which will be completed in part through RosettaStone and conversations with Hillary the French Master!.)
Take more pictures and become a better photographer.
Get a paper in the publication process.
Get two papers to a conference (or two).
Get rid of my credit card debt and keep the new balance below $500 thereafter.
Begin saving up to $5000 for the day I leave North Carolina.

Not only do these resolutions run the gamut of my personal life, but I also think they provide for plenty of blog-worthy material. That is, hopefully I will quit blogging about my tumultuous times with fame monsters, unruly students, and other oddballs in my life! (One could only hope, right?) Furthermore, it is my hope that I will be able to keep track of my progress on each of these resolutions and continue to make good on as many of them as possible if I remind myself of my progress. In this sense, then, I hope that by giving life to these resolutions that they become just that--firm decisions for action.

Cheers to 2010! May it be a year of painful growth, joy, sadness, and resolve.

Dig Me Up From Under What Is Covering The Better Part Of Me

2009-11-27T15:24:00.004-05:00

Yesterday evening with the rest of the graduate students was quite revealing. It was familial yet frenzied; an inviting get-together that was more illuminating to me personally than anything else I have seen and experienced this semester. It opened up my eyes so wide that I realized I had been somatically moving through this semester without recognizing the reality around me.

Six hours revealed the graduate students of this department for who they really were: overly dramatic celebutants or fame monsters. (It seems even more fitting that at least one to two hours of the night were almost devoted to discussions about Lady Gaga as well.)

In short, I've come to the conclusion that I am more adult than the vast majority of my fellow graduate students. Instead of treating others with respect and common decency, there are many here who are childish, selfish, and downright ill-mannered. These individuals have no sense for collegial congeniality and are so wrapped up in themselves that they cannot see beyond the current situation. They are insecure and so pretentious, tirelessly working for attention in fear of the missed glance or longing glare.

These people are the reason I know I am a better person. In this one evening they revealed to me how genuine, sincere, and compassionate I am, all while being themselves in the face of company.

I am no longer burdened by the drama these people continue to produce in attempts to bury everyone in their wake. I am not longer worried that I am different or the so unknown. Instead, I am proud to know that I am resolutely mature, personable without pretentiousness, and secure enough in my own skin.

I am the best person I can be and no one—professor, graduate student, frienemy, or fame monster—is going to make me lose sight of all that I am.

Thanksgiving Tease

2009-11-26T12:11:00.002-05:00

My favorite cheesecake to make. It is light, simple, sweet yet tart.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pretzel Bread

2009-11-23T02:40:00.002-05:00

I love Trader Joe's Pretzel Bread so much that I decided to look and see if there were any comparable recipes. Sure enough I found one and I can't wait to make some, but with cheese tops just like those in Germany.

Maybe I'll start a bakery?

Tangential Topics

2009-11-23T01:02:00.005-05:00

I've been combating my affliction for the past two weeks and I think I've managed to mend some of my wounds. Although it is still too soon to say what will be in the coming semester, it is clear that I am going to finish up here to the best of my abilities. However difficult it may be and however lonely I may be, I am going to push through with the ultimate reward in sight: seeing my family.

I have no doubt that the remaining three weeks will challenge me beyond most everything else (except for the thesis, of course) up to this point. Two major (20-25 pages) papers and one theoretical paper which will inevitably drive me to drink heavily. I'm calling it my Martini Headgear (for Martin Heidegger) paper. All in all, I have my work cut out for me.

In addition to the stress of school, I've decided to go to campus health services to make sure I don't have some strange medical problem. I know that sounds odd to couple with all of this information. After all, you would think I would be headed to health and wellness services for some mental problem, but getting accepted into the Ph.D. program was the mental problem! Besides, I don't think my fatigue, dizziness, and abdominal pain have too much to do with my mental faculties. I'm sure it is just stress, but I want to make sure I'm not pre-diabetic or dealing with something worse. Of course, you might think I'm being paranoid. Maybe I am. I would rather be certain than sorry, though.

On a completely unrelated note, I deleted my twitter account. I'm not surprised if you didn't notice. I did it hastily and unannounced. Although twitter originally was fun to be a part of when it started, I have come to find it increasingly trivializing and downright boring. I enjoyed being able to stay in touch with everyone quickly, yet I secretly detested it. 140 characters into my life and you know nothing more about me; nothing substantial or important. Ultimately I felt that what I was getting out of twitter was a growing disconnection from others--a way of knowing less under the guise of seeing more. Thus, I deleted my account in the hope that those who know me and enjoy talking to me will continue to communicate with me through more genuine means. Type a comment. Write an e-mail. Send a postcard or letter. If I'm not too busy, call me and I may be able to chat. Don't expect to see me around twitter again, though. I'm done with it and, to some extent, some of the status updates I could put up on facebook as well.

Chicago Is So Two Years Ago...

2009-11-22T23:24:00.005-05:00

Or more like two weeks ago, but I thought I should post the photos for your viewing pleasure.

When You Don't Know How to Rebuild the Walls Someone Has Knocked Down. . .

2009-11-10T01:53:00.002-05:00

. . .find the resources necessary to do so and become stronger for it.

Although I am not wholly better after venting my frustrations and concerns, I do feel somewhat better in the realization that I have an amazing support system of friends and family who have helped me think through my personal issues. I feel comforted by their words as I continue to struggle through my program and I am incredibly thankful for them.

It has been tough to occupy this liminal space, especially since I feel so alone. However, I know that I am not so isolated. I have support, although it is distanced. I have faith, even though I am clouded by hopelessness. I have my convictions, though I doubt my abilities.

It's time to turn toward the fight, and not away from it. It will inevitably include psychosomatic bruises and strains, and uncertain pain, but I am better for it. I am better than what I was and will be better in what I become.

You're an Island of Reality in a Sea of Diarrhea. . .

2009-11-09T01:21:00.003-05:00

I think the title of this entry says it all, but in case it is not enough, I will elaborate.

The last three weeks here have been particularly hectic. So hectic, in fact, that I have often thought about quitting the program if things do not improve over the next semester.

I'm not entirely sure when it started, but I believe that it is a feeling that has been under the surface since I started the program here. Without being too specific yet for clarity purposes, I will say that, over the last nine weeks, the image of this program that I thought I came here for has been replaced by something darker.

Darker in that: I cannot understand why so many of the people here are distant and/or judgmental; I still do not understand why no one here has read the research I have already done to know me better; certain people are incredibly rude and inconsiderate of those who have moved from further away than those who came from within the state; everyone has all these ambiguous expectations and no one will clarify what the fuck they mean; and, outside of the program, nothing feels like home--my apartment is still mostly empty and I don't have many people to rely on here.

To top it off, I was also assigned to teach Public Speaking again for the tenth time. While some might find this less of an issue, I think it was the cherry on top of the icing coating the clusterfuck of a cake I've been choking down here. I'm tired of teaching this course, but even more tired of "paying my dues" or "putting my time in" or "jumping through hoops". Haven't I done enough of that already? I thought a Ph.D. program was less about learning the ropes and more about being welcomed into an academic community where you were understood and pushed to develop further in the best ways possible.

I guess I was mislead.

Of course, I'm not throwing the towel in or giving up. Although, I wouldn't necessarily say that leaving would be either of those options in my eyes.

I am going to give it one more semester. One more chance in the hope that things actually improve and that I actually find some happiness, clarity, and warmth out here. One last chance before I lose sight of the real reason I came out here: my future happiness, not my future endless sacrifices whilst bending over the table so I can be repeatedly raped by a broken glass bottle.

Pitch

2009-10-31T15:59:00.001-04:00

Currently enjoying her new tower bed by the couch.

You CAN Break the Internet!

2009-10-28T03:23:00.001-04:00

It's not a laughing matter!

Could I Be Sookie?

2009-10-26T19:34:00.005-04:00

While talking to my mom this weekend about the recent events over the last two to three weeks (yes, I know, that's a long time to go without talking to the parentals) I mentioned that dating was quite the perplexing dilemma for me. I'm not a big fan of dating, as you may know. It's not that I'm anti-relationships, rather I am anti-dating. In fact, I think Vince Vaughn summed it up best in Wedding Crasher's when he stated:

I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels.

Indeed, I typically avoid dating discussions in general, but I especially avoid them with my mother. I think there is something to be said about avoiding maternal wisdom on dating, too. It's not that I don't respect or like what she has to say, but rather, my mother usually contextualizes the whole situation and then decides where the sympathizes should ultimately lie. Sometimes they are with me, sometimes they are with the young woman involved. In general, though, I avoid such conversations because they feel a little awkward. In other words, it's not as easy to talk about relationships with my mother as it is to talk about them with my father.

That being said, I felt it was appropriate to discuss my dating situation or lack thereof with my mother this weekend. It was actually a good conversation that made me feel I could talk to her about dating in the future. That is, except for her comment that came up later in the conversation when we ended up talking about Sookie Stackhouse (as contrasted to Bella from Twilight):

All the men that Sookie sees have one major imperfection, so she keeps moving on and remains independent and true to herself, sort of like how you are with all these young women.

Forget the fact that my mom clearly compared me to a fictional female from the fantasy realm where lascivious roam, did she just call me a whore?

I Love Shakira. . .

2009-10-23T04:42:00.003-04:00

. . .but this is too hilarious not to post.

Some guy totally spoofed Shakira's newest video and it is HILARIOUS! Check it out below (and know that it is not pornographic):

If you haven't seen the original video for She Wolf by Shakira, I recommend you check it out too.

I Can Hang Stuff

2009-10-16T20:17:00.007-04:00

In an attempt to make my empty apartment feel a little bit more like home, I have been purchasing frames and processing photos. Although they don't do much to fill up the place in terms of space, they do make it look more like home and, at the very least, the place is not so dull anymore.

These photos are hanging right by the kitchen in the "dining room" area (that has nothing in it).

These photos are hanging in the slim hallway next to the bathroom.

In other good news, I finally got my couch...err "metro sleeper" from Urban Outfitters. It's incredibly comfortable and lightweight, but it is quite small. It will work nice in my office in the future, but for now I have it out in the living room since there was no seating out in the area. Pitch is modeling it off, MadMen Style.

Again, I am still patiently attempting to fill in all the empty spaces. Slowly, but surely.

About Today #2

2009-10-15T04:08:00.002-04:00

Postcards. I love postcards! Today I picked up some swanky postcards to send to family and friends. They are not only great to send and receive, but they are wonderful disruptive devices that I use to reward myself for getting stuff done in a timely manner (I know, NERD ALERT!). One of the boxes that I bought is a series of 30 amazingly baleful, melancholic, whimsy, and hip postcards of the art by Jordan Crane. I love his artwork and I am seriously having a tough time deciding which cards to send to others and which ones I want to keep and frame!

Rain. Autumn in the North Carolina is quite different from autumn in Idaho. Instead of leaves changing colors and borderline freezing temperatures we get rain and gray skies. I know some people were depressed by it today, but I certainly welcomed the crisp air and dampness—it was refreshing. Unfortunately, though, the leaves aren't really changing colors here like they do in Idaho. I've been told that, due to our location, the leaves don't really change too much in general unless it gets much cooler. Although I might not get to see the season change the color of the leaves, I am happy that I am experiencing something new. Plus, it's nice to see everyone walking around with umbrellas.

Curtains. With the weather getting colder, I decided to hang up some roman shades to cover the windows. It was fun to drill into the wall—to do something with my hands instead of my mind—and to hang up something that is not only stylish, but also eco-friendly! I can already tell that to room is warmer than yesterday and now I am sure that when I sleep it will be even more like a coma! Huzzah!

Currently Enjoying

2009-10-11T03:40:00.002-04:00

As cliche and stereotypical as the show can be, Glee is hands down one of the most hilarious shows I have seen. I suppose it doesn't hurt that the music is catchy too. It is all a marketing ploy, but I love it.

This week's episode pitted the guys against the girls:

The Guys

The Girls

Personally I thought the guys kicked it better than the girls. And, yeah, I recognize that I am critiquing the show as if I have something substantial to say.

What? You want to fight about it?

About Today #1

2009-10-09T03:35:00.003-04:00

Paul Virilio. Unlike previous class periods in my media course, which, I must add, is the most hectic course I have ever taken (there are 19 people in the graduate course and that IS crazy when there are usually only 5-9), I felt more prepared than anyone else tonight. I not only read both books almost in their entirety, but I also clearly articulated interesting points and questions that got the class discussing Paul Virilio's work. Oh, Virilio!

Acorns. There are numerous poplar and acorn trees that litter the campus. Although it is still 68-88 degrees here, it is clear that, to some extent, fall has slowly started. This means that wind and rain occur a little more frequently, but neither are generally problematic. However, in recent weeks, the wind has picked up and we have had to literally dodge the acorns that are on death missions from their vantage points on high. I'm not kidding! The acorns come down looking for BLOOD! Fortunately I dodged all acorns both on the way to and from the bar!

Adults. I talked with my good friend tonight to help reassure her about the decision she was making. What's more, though, it was the first time during our conversations over the last two weeks that I realized that we have not only come a long way from where we were, but also that we are adults. We make decisions for better or worse of our own accord and we are ultimately better for them. We don't rely on our parents to guide our focus, we instead rely on ourselves and the notion that personal growth is what is best.

I am transition

2009-10-08T03:00:00.004-04:00

I remember reading, and later hearing about, a story about a professor who, after a few years of trying to obtain tenure, decided it wasn't worth his energy because it was making him unhappy about everything in his life. It was not that he could not teach, nor was it based on any presupposition that he couldn't write. Although it is true that he was likely constrained by the growing pressures of his "publish or perish" R1 university, what is most intriguing is that he rejected the model of professionalism—of decorum of a full-time professor—in place of his own personal happiness.

In rare moments like this, when I read, hear, and later remember stories like this that I revisit my place in the academy. Sometimes I look at how far I've come and realize that I have ventured forth without a sense of place and with a schizophrenic sense of time: I'm altogether whole and placed, yet completely disconnected from anything, any place, and any particular time. In short, my life is liminal.

Perhaps this state of affairs is precisely why, from time to time, I feel so uncertain, lost, and alone. While it is fair to say that I enjoy the company of friends, and while I also am close with my family, it is even more clear that I am continually distanced from them. My life is rendered in distance to these people who, for all intents and purposes, "see" me, yet fail to fully acknowledge the sight and site of me and my life. This is not to say that they are not concerned or that they do not care, but rather that the state of affairs of my life remain largely unknown to everyone else but me. So how is it, then, that I am both connected and yet alone?

Unlike the professor above, I do not necessarily blame the academy; I do, however, recognize that the academy has inevitably affected my life and the way I conduct myself in relation to others. If, by the very nature of being a scholar-in-progress, I have learned anything of primacy from my time in the academy, then it is true that I have learned to be the embodiment of liminal. That is, I occupy many spaces and no space at once; I am transition.

It is in recognition of this way of life—the way things have become in the last six years—that I have decided to, from time to time, (re)articulate my presence by way of words, thoughts, and (inter)action. The professor above did the same thing in his own right and fashion: he started writing in a journal all of the things on daily basis (or as close to it) that he took for granted, that made him happy, and brought him joy. These observations, he felt, confirmed his presence in that they detailed the thoughts of a person dismantling a constructed reality in a positive way—to self-preserve and to thrive. As he continued this personal work, he not only felt better about himself and his transitional state in life (which, it seems, is the position my colleagues and I will occupy until tenure), but he also came to realize that happiness through the recognition of now helped to displace the negativity and stress the pressures of being in transition brings.

So too, then, I plan to, more in my own journal than on here, detail those things that I have taken for granted, but also make me happy and bring me joy. I will title these entries "About Today" and I will seek to encapsulate, in brief vignettes, those things that "slowed me down" and "cemented" my sense of place and time, even if only ephemeral.

Dear Future Me

2009-10-05T12:16:00.003-04:00

Last night I wrote two letters, or rather e-mails, to my future self as reminders of the past and hopes for the future. I do not know what prompted me to do this or how I even found futureme.org, but I can say that the experience was surreal.

As I wrote the letters I felt a strange sense of nostalgia and uncertainty. It felt strange to seal a message for the future, referencing the present in vivid detail so as to remember it as the past. At the same time, it felt oddly liberating and enjoyable. I began to wonder what the future might hold and what I would think of the message I had written in the future: would they make sense, would they take me back in time in my thoughts, would they help me improve if I had gone astray from my aspirations? For a few moments I was lost in my thoughts. I wanted to make sure that what I wrote was meaningful—that it conveyed a sense for the current condition and faith that, despite the ups and downs of life, remained resolute. I also wanted to make sure that I remembered the situation in which I wrote the letters: the moment of transition and the feeling of wonder.

And so the letters were sealed and sent to the future.

When Monday Gets You Down...

2009-09-21T18:47:00.002-04:00

. . .watch Bjork beat up a journalist!

I've Been Unwell For Too Long Now . . .

2009-09-07T20:12:00.005-04:00

I recently found Lydia when searching for new music on iTunes. Their music is haunting, but upbeat and displays a range similar to Copeland mixed with Eisley and hints of The Fray. Hopefully you can catch their music on The Hype Machine. I recommend "This Is Twice Now," "Hospital," "One More Day," and "I Woke Up Near The Sea". It is definitely worth listening to if you need something soft, subtly complex, and hauntingly vibrant.

(And this will be the last video I post for a while, I promise!)

Pitch Black (A.K.A. Boo!)

2009-09-07T14:06:00.003-04:00

Pitch, my cat, still isn't sure how to handle herself in our new home. We have more space than we have ever had, partially because we have no furniture, and nothing to really do with it. Sometimes I think it makes her a little stir crazy, especially when she runs wildly around the apartment and then tries to attack her reflection in the mirror. It is hilarious and she is so adorable when she does it, but I think she'd much rather have a couch to cozy up on.

I think we just need to fill in the spaces.

I'm Not Comfortable With How The Story Ends

2009-09-07T00:31:00.002-04:00

I can't stop listening to this song. Hopefully you'll enjoy it too.

CLUSTERF**K!

2009-09-05T22:07:00.004-04:00

I happen to think myself a mellow, patient and tolerant person. I am not too akin to rage and I really only get pissy when I don't have my coffee, but today re-opened my bitterness with insanely massed public spaces.

I want to use another word to describe what my shopping experience at IKEA was like, but to use any other word (which also functions as a general expression) fails to fully encompass my antipathy for the douchebaggery that occurs when masses come together over anything cheap.

Look, I'm not trying to piss on the parade of cheap furniture at IKEA. Hell, I bought $260 worth of it despite the fact that it is mostly particle wood (and will probably break if I ever move). Also, I must say that MOST of the employees at IKEA were friendly and helpful. What I am pointing to, however, is the fact that people lose their sense of decency and civility when they gather in mass in confined spaces. Once people come into contact with others while looking for "personal" items, be it food (like at CostCo) or furniture (like at IKEA), all decorum goes out the window and everyone is in it like a free-for-all. It's almost like everyone's innate pre-historic piss-poor self rears in the face of nabbing the best item before someone else does.

For example, while shopping for items today, I parked my cart at the end of an aisle near some picture frames. No carts were near me and since on of the tires on my cart kept careening to the right, I didn't want to overcorrect it as I walked through the aisle. Apparently this bothered a woman in her late forties who, upon seeing me park the cart, grabbed it and pushed it out of the way to the aisle across the way. I glared at her as she did and said, "Uh, that was my cart." She sneered bitterly in my direction and strode up the aisle without saying a word, all so she could fat arm a few frames into her cart.

I have witnessed this pandemic of douchebaggery many times before at CostCo and I am always dismayed by it. In fact, I utterly dread going to CostCo because people become retarded (figuratively speaking, of course) over food. People run ahead to grab free samples, they cart cut to get a better place in line, and they are complete assholes in the parking lot while parking, loading, and leaving. Apparently people at IKEA are no different. (And yes, I know Labor Day weekend might have contributed to this, probably making it even worse, but I still feel that people are increasingly rude toward one another.)

Let's forget IKEA and CostCo for a minute, though, and question the source of the problem: massive gatherings of people in enclosed spaces.

RQ: What is it about enclosed spaces that breeds indifference in people toward others?

Seriously, did I miss something while I was growing up? Were there lessons taught in school that I missed, even though I had near perfect attendance? Did the cowboy culture of bygone administrations impart dickheadedness to the culture at large? What happened? </end rant>

Bottom line: People need to chill out at these places and treat everyone with respect. We're all shopping for many of the same things and, unless the world is about to end, the items will be around. Even if they aren't, it is not like one couldn't obtain them later. There is no reason to push people's carts out of the way, cut them off, or be a complete douche bag in the parking lot. Human decency isn't a virtue, it is an unspoken obligation toward humanity at large.

Basically, don't be a dick. (This means you, cart lady and asshole driver who didn't let me back out when I was halfway out.)

Wherein I Invite You To Question My Neurosis With Dressing Up. . .

2009-09-05T01:48:00.009-04:00

Things seemed to have settled, more and more, over the last couple of weeks now that school has started. My schedule is still a bit hectic, particularly because I have not figured out how to balance my time at school and at home, and because I haven't figured out how exactly to get to campus on the days I teach.

I know how to get to campus with the bus system and I have done it frequently, but I have to clarify something here: I don't like riding the bus when I am dressed up in my nice slacks and dress shirt. I could care less that I'm dressed up and riding to school around people that are dressed normally. No. This is different. I care about the fact that I am dapper for too long.

Yes, you read that correctly. I do not like to be dressed up for extended periods of time. Don't get me wrong. I know I look amazing in a pleated pair of gray slacks and a finely pressed blue button-up shirt with a sexy silk tie, and the ladies all confirm this; I, however, dislike the way the clothes feel on my skin after a few hours. I know it is entirely psychological, but after being "suited up" for three to four hours, I desperately want to rip my clothes off (and, no, I do not want to run around naked). It is almost like I have a sticker all over my body and I can't pull it off until I am home, which is not until late in the evening.

Maybe I'm just mental?

I suppose all of it wouldn't be so bad if I either lived closer to campus or if I could store my suits in the office; neither of which are options. So, I guess I need to figure out this alleged semi-formal style that includes walking around in a blazer with jeans. I'm not fond of this option, mainly because I think it is a little douchey, but it seems like it would be the easiest solution because I could use the blazer as outwear. Plus, I suppose it would demonstrate that I'm still the authority figure of the class. Who knows, though?

This has been my random dilemma for the last two classes I taught. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

On a completely tangential note, a friend of mine pointed me toward 2081. As you can tell from the video link before, 2081 is a new movie that is soon to theaters. What you might not know, though, is that it is Hollywood's take on Kurt Vonnegut's Harrison Bergeron. Watch the video and check it out for yourself:

What do you think? On the one hand the movie is a little unsettling, particularly because the short story seems too short to be a fully length movie. On the other hand, the movie looks promising in terms of vision and scope. Plus, Patricia Clarkson (from Six Feet Under and Lars and the Real Girl) is the narrator of this dystopian take on the future of an egalitarian utopia.

Liminal

2009-08-08T09:02:00.005-04:00

A lot has happened since I last updated this blog. I have been meaning to update the blog for quite sometime, but I've either been busy writing, packing, moving, or traveling. The last couple of months have been liminal at best, which has made it somewhat difficult to adjust.

In short the following things happened:

I finished my thesis, defended it, and got it edited.
I packed up my apartment with the help of my friends.
I visited the Oregon Coast (see pictures below).
I visited with family and friends as I traveled across the country to get to North Carolina.
I found a sweet apartment, but I have no money to furnish it.
I finished the final edits for my thesis and will be sending everything back to the graduate college so as to finalize all things thesis related.

The good news is that I'm starting to feel more and more comfortable in my new atmosphere. Although the climate and the social atmosphere are a bit different, the adjustment has not been so harsh. In fact, most of the acclimatization has been relatively simple and enjoyable; but almost all of it has been done alone. Hopefully that will change soon with the start of the school year, though.

In the meantime, I'm continuing to learn my way around North Carolina and the campus. I have no doubt that many fun adventures are in store here and I can't wait to see what the future brings.

Here are some pictures from my most recent travels:

I promise to update the more in the following days, weeks, and months; especially as I achieve equipoise in all areas of my life.

Be Patient, I Am Getting To The Point

2009-04-16T18:54:00.003-04:00

I've been trucking along on my thesis lately, trying my best not to let the stress of the entire project bear on me to the point that I can no longer work on it. Some days are easier than others; I get a lot of work done when I can get "in the zone" and find myself enjoying the process of coding and writing. Other days are harder; I fall behind in my schedule of work, attempting to balance my research with my insane teaching load.

Still, I'm pushing myself to get through all of it because I know I am capable of finishing this milestone in my life.

Everything I have done has led me to this point in my life. Every action, every decision, and every mistake have propelled me to this juncture, resolutely affirming my presence in the here and now. I know I belong here and I know that, for all of my time at this point, I am going to continue to move on past it and be stronger for it.

In this process of making the comfortable uncomfortable—of who I am and who I will be—I am unwavering in my determination. Although the thesis may get me down from time to time, I will not let it consume me and reduce me to doubt and uncertainty. I will rise to this challenge, vivified, unwavering, and secure in myself.

I am a fighter and you are witness to the champion in me.

I Beat Coach Pete

2009-04-11T12:41:00.003-04:00

Every year, starting last year (not a longstanding tradition!), my university recreation center sponsors a 5K fun run to beat the current football coach. Proceeds from the run go to funding student scholarships and, for every student that beats the football coach, $10 are donated to helping fund scholarships. While I did no participate last year, I was chomping at the bits to trailblaze past Coach Pete this year.

I am excited to report that not only did I beat Coach Pete (as you can see in the photo), but I also smashed his time. I ran the 5K in 24:34, beating his 30 minute 5K, and I have the t-shirt to prove it!

Now I need to continue training up for the Susan G. Komen Race for the cure! Care to donate?

New Favorite: Gig Posters

2009-04-10T19:04:00.003-04:00

I found this website through a recent search of the comments posted on Facebook about the upcoming This American Life Live broadcast and instantly fell in love with it.

Printed and pressed posters of many of the bands that you probably listen to are on here and it is easy to search for them. The posters are relatively well priced and the designs are atypical and intriguing! If you're a music-geek, you'll probably love this site too.

I Think This Sums Up My Feelings About My Thesis

2009-04-10T11:08:00.004-04:00

Don't you agree?

Photo Editing Project #1: Prospectus Patronus!

2009-02-24T02:44:00.002-05:00

Thanks to my rockstar parents and smashing sister, I got a sweet new digital camera for my birthday. However, because it's winter and because Boise is dull (at least the parts that I run, walk, and traverse to and fro), I have decided to do themed photo editing projects just for kicks!

This week I have selected the theme "Prospectus Patronus" in light of the journey of finishing my prospectus. I also thought this would be hilarious since my colleagues and I talked about a new set of Harry Potter books for academics. Our first book will be titled "Ryan Learner and the Embittered Marxist!" The title is not only gender-neutral, but also reflects a feminist focus that allows men, women and transgenders to become one with the main character who could, in fact, be any of the three! Hahaha!

Therefore, I am going to attempt to construct a book cover in a theme similar to Harry Potter using my photos and free photoshop software. Since I will not be using high-end software, it is likely that the book cover will not be amazing. Instead, I am attempting to have fun with my camera and photos in a creative release time away from my thesis.

Give me until next Monday!

Things Have Changed For Me And That's Ok

2009-02-23T02:17:00.002-05:00

Earlier today I was notified by the Director of Graduate Studies at UC-Boulder that I was on the wait list. I have been neither accepted nor rejected. Instead, I'm in academic limbo land in terms of getting admitted to Boulder.

And I'm ok with that.

After attending the Western States Communication Association Convention last weekend, I am happy to say that I will be content with whatever happens. The convention let me see what I was getting into and what I can expect for my many years in the academy. It was overwhelming and strangely enjoyable, but most importantly, it was illuminating. It showed me that the programs I applied to are, indeed, great; but also, there is no one program for me. I can go to many different schools where I fit with the program. I can choose a school that I didn't consider before. I can even take a year or two off if I want to. I mean, I'm only 23, about to be 24, and I have a lot of life left to live outside of the academy.

I knew there were no guarantees with Boulder, though so many people told me it was a sure thing. A part of me always knew that I shouldn't be too invested in the program or the location. It's the reason why I never visited the campus over the summer when I was in the area. It's the reason why I always said "If I get into Boulder." Most importantly, it's the part of me that knew I would end up where I was meant to be for the time being. If that means I'm meant to be in Utah, Indiana, North Carolina or, perhaps, Boise, then that's where I am supposed to be.

In other words, I am not upset and I am not angry. I'll admit that I was a little shocked by not getting admitted, mainly because I had connections to the program; but I am not surprised. I am much younger than the average Ph.D. student. I am doing new and novel research. There is the chance that I may drop out if it is too much. Ultimately, I'm convinced that I am a risky venture for all of the programs I applied to. It's a comforting and nerve-racking thought, but that's the way it should be. It is, as everything worthwhile, a struggle and a journey. Plus, I think my good friend Donna summed it up best when she said, "You would never know what is behind the other door if the first choice was too easy."

She is right and I am content knowing that this life is going to take me places. I did my part in the process and everything from here on out is beyond me. I cannot control the admissions process. I can not make the economy better. I cannot alter decisions that have already been made. All I can do is wait and see what happens, whether I am to stay or go.

But no matter what happens, I promise you this: I will not, under any circumstances, let this break me or all the things that I have done to get to this point. No matter what happens, no matter if I get rejected by all of the programs I applied to and end up in Boise or get accepted to the remaining three, I am happy with everything I have done up to this point. I am strong and resilient. I am smart and I am incredibly talented. I will make do with whatever life throws my way, good or bad, and I will grow from my losses and gains.

No matter what happens, I promise that I will be content because I gave it my all.

My First Communication Convention (or Pretentious Academicians and Personable Ph.D. Students)

2009-02-19T00:05:00.003-05:00

I recently returned from my convention in Arizona and I have to say that it ran the gamut of emotions. When I first arrived at the convention, I felt awkward and out of place. Most of the communication academicians running around were sticking to their cliques, avoiding contact with anyone new to the scene. Some scholars were excessively pretentious (not elitist, just pretentious) because of the school(s) they went to or the school currently associated with their name.

While I was fortunate enough to meet a wonderful scholar from the University of Utah on my first night, I still felt out of place. I had not yet met my roommate and I had no idea what I was going to do at the conference, so I ended up going to the bar alone on the first night. Although it sounds depressing, I assure you that it was actually a lot of fun. I've come to the conclusion over my many years of drinking that bartenders tend to be great conversationalists. Therefore, I went to have a conversation and get some beer! Turns out, I was right! We watched the NBA All-Star Games and made fun of the judges the whole time.

After I got done tossing back a few beers, I headed back to my room where I finally met my roommate from Boulder. Dan, my roommate, turned out to be a cool guy and I am glad that I got to meet him. After meeting him, I ended up at another bar with him and his good friend, Merit. I got the lowdown on Boulder's program and finally made some connections while down at the conference.

The next day I spent most of my time checking out panels. Most of the papers were boring, read word for word by the presenter. Only a few papers were novel, presenting thoughtful analyses of various topics and theories. When the evening rolled around, I ended up checking out the University of Utah party and I had a blast. The people at that school seemed incredibly cool and fun. If anything, going to the convention put in a much stronger bid for Utah than I ever thought it could.

On Monday, the day of my presentation, I ate breakfast with Dan and Merit and chilled for the morning. A professor from my school was down at the conference, so we attended the luncheon for 30 minutes. It was incredibly boring and pretentious, so we left it early. Instead, we spent our time out in the sun by the pool, each preparing for our panels. After an hour, I attended my professor's panel and thoroughly enjoyed it.

When it was finally time to present my paper, I felt the same nervous tension I felt before giving a speech as a debater. Before I presented, most of the people on my panel read their papers, each detailing their quantitative approach to organizational communication. While some of the papers were interesting, they did not leave me enthusiastic. Instead, I felt uninterested in what they had to say. This wasn't out of arrogance, but rather out of boredom with the quantitative approach they used.

Since I was the last one on my panel, I clarified the differences in my paper and the others that were presented before me. My paper was a methodological critique using a qualitative approach, so it stuck out in comparison to everyone else's. I unpacked and simplified the paper as much as possible, and I could tell people were interested. When it was all done, I was glad to see that people enjoyed my paper and that I had presented well (i.e. not reading the damn thing word for word!).

In the end, the convention was fun and worthwhile. I was glad I got to attend and even more glad to fly back home first class (as a treat to myself). Still, I must say that academicians can be quite odd, especially when everyone is in the same discipline. I am stable in who I am as a person, student, and a scholar, but I honestly could not believe how rude, prick-ish or bitchy some of the academicians I met were. At least there are a good few that are gregarious, jocular, and downright fun to be around. They give me hope and make me feel better about the work I am doing and where I am headed.

Now, if I could only find more time to work on my research. . .

My Kryptonite (Thesis Venting Moment #1)

2009-02-10T01:09:00.004-05:00

This is a thesis venting moment meant for cathartic release of nervousness, anxiety, and stress. It may be potentially unorganized and/or strange. Read at your own risk!

I hate the weekends right now. Don't get me wrong. I love them for the times I get to spend with my friends and the necessary distractions that they provide, but I can't help but feel a little lost in them. They provide a great escape from the reality of school, time away from the never-ending lap swimming and I simply can't get back into the water after I've been out for a while.

The truth is, no matter what I do, I can't seem to focus on my thesis. My mind drags and I can't help but feel slightly overwhelmed by everything. Instead of positively focusing that energy, though, I am starting to realize that I am channeling it in the form of lethargy and a mild form of seasonal blues. I keep slacking on my revisions and I dread looking at my e-mail inboxes for fear I'll get e-mails from students or, worse, my advisor.

It is silly and it is irrational. I know I shouldn't let the stress have this level of control over me. I know that I shouldn't let the gravity of everything wear me down as much as I do. And while I can help it, I often feel powerless. It's almost as if no matter what I do, it is not enough.

I need to shake these feelings and I need to get back in the game. I am better than these thoughts and feelings. I am stronger than I give myself credit for in these moments, I just need to regain my strength.

It's All About The Hair

2009-02-07T00:31:00.004-05:00

I got a haircut today and decided to switch styles a little. Instead of being emo-depresso or slightly parted to the right or left, I decided to go with a fresher look. I asked my stylist, Jenn, to give me something more style up, like a faux hawk. So, that's what I got.

I love it and I only hope I can replicate it again tomorrow!

I can't wait to rock this do in Arizona! All the ladies are gonna wanna scream my name. What, what!?!

My Apartment Is So Much Cooler In Second Life

2009-02-06T03:39:00.003-05:00

This is a snapshot of me doing research in Second Life. I plan to take a few more photos so you can see what my apartment looks like and how much sexier I am in the virtual world.

It's so much fun. However, you know it's a real travesty when your real apartment is not nearly as cool as your virtual apartment. That's what it is called Second Life, though!

Dashing in Dusty Violet

2009-02-03T23:23:00.005-05:00

As many of you know, I have a personal color palate for clothing: blue, light blue, white, gray, black, and some greens.

It's not a stretch to say that I usually keep within this range of colors because I know that I look good in them and I generally like them. However, because I always wear these colors, I tend to avoid wearing any other colors. My mom and cousin both commented, over winter break, that I'm "insecure in my colors" because I haven't actually tried other colors.

So I decided to experiment. I invested in some savvy and, dare I say, sexy new shirts for teaching days. Reds. Light Greens. Yellows. Purples. This is one of them. It's a fitted dusty violet shirt and I think I look great in it. In fact, I'm actually surprised at how much I like the color and how many people have complemented me on it. So much so that my vanity overrode my normal functions and I had to post a photo for you.

I even tried to look like a model!

Prince Charming and The Right Fit

2009-02-02T20:21:00.006-05:00

Over winter break I submitted my applications to four Ph.D. programs in Communication. Ideally I'd like to attend at one of the programs closer to where I currently reside, but I have no way of knowing which program will be the best fit. In so many ways, I am excited and scared. In thinking about the programs and hearing what everyone (my advisor, professors, colleagues, family, and friends) has to say about where I applied, I can't help but feel a little bit like Prince Charming looking for Cinderella. I have an idea of what I am looking for and it fits neatly into a plan for the future (e.g. the slipper), but I do not know which program will fulfill my thoughts and carry me through the future. In other words, I don't know which one will be the right fit, even though I have ideas about each.

What perplexes me the most, though, is that the right fit might very well be the program furthest away from where I currently reside. It's a thought that has crossed my mind, but one that I haven't given as much thought to because of what it ultimately means.

If the shoe fits, do I take my place with Cinderella and see what the future brings or do I place myself in the company of those I love and make the shoe work as best as possible?

On a completely unrelated note: The "Springsteen Slide!"

Keep Your Mouth Shut, Keep Your Guard Up. . .

2008-12-13T21:56:00.001-05:00

I found this video earlier today while on a Dashboard Confessional revival kick:

I think it is hella nifty!

Disappointing

2008-11-21T17:54:00.004-05:00

I'm not surprised that ABC cancelled Pushing Daisies, but even so, I am still upset. The show was so unique, inventive, and downright charming that I was drawn to it. Its stark juxtaposition between light and dark and illustration of life, death, and life again was unlike any other show I had ever seen. It's whimsical whodunnit world and fantastical feel made we want to see more.

Still, I had the inclination that the show would go. Bryan Fuller's ingenious shows have a tendency to disappear as quickly as they appear. They are too different, too strange and abnormal for most people to grasp. Perhaps even too intelligent and sarcastic. Dead Like Me only survived two seasons on Showtime, dying out before fans like myself were able to see what happened to Georgia Lass and her families (both real and reaper).

What's most upsetting to me, though, is that the shows that are so trivial and similar remain on air. If it isn't about promiscuous and pompous doctors, one-line wonder crime sleuths, or over-sexualized "real people", then it apparently isn't worth air time. Ultimately it is insulting because it shows the arrogance of Nielsen and the mundanity of the general American public. It's a shame, really!

Displaying My Graphic Design Skills

2008-11-16T19:42:00.003-05:00

Recently I was asked to create the flyer and poster for my department's bi-annual event, the speech showcase. Since my 9 page syllabus sparked interest in my graphic design skills (Yes, I seriously had people telling me that all 9 pages were beautiful), I accepted the invitation. As you can see above, I developed three flyers/posters.

Since it is winter, I am guessing that the blue ones are going to be more popular. Therefore, I only submitted the left and right ones to my consultant. I personally like the one on the left because it is more fun and lively. It is also seasonal! I still like the right one, but I feel it is too conventional and, therefore, somewhat boring.

What do you think? Any suggestions on anything I should change, delete or add?

Anger

2008-11-14T21:14:00.004-05:00

You know it has been a bad day when you return home exhausted and agitated. A growing sense bitterness toward the world bites at you. If it latches on, tenaciously clamping down, it drains you from one day to the next. You begin to dislike the ordinary day-to-day tasks and you begin to have a strong distaste for the ongoing stories and excuses that others make. The anger makes its way through your body. Affecting each organ like a poison, it retards your thoughts and thins your blood. Your patience grows thinner and you feel as if there is nothing truly worthy of your time. If resuscitative action isn't taken soon, it will consume you whole.

Lately, I've been more angry than usual. While school has been fine, I've noticed that my patience for my students in one of my classes is incredibly thin. Although I have tried to be positive with them, I can't help but feel embittered by their manipulative attempts to slips assignments past me or to try and talk their way into a better grade. While I have taken action to combat this in the form of dressing up and returning to a strict demeanor, it doesn't seem to be working. They don't seem to understand that when I say something is meant to be turned in on time, it means when I ask for it. They don't understand what my schedule is like and instead think I must conform to their time frame.

It is mostly frustrating, but it is also alarming. One the one hand I am upset by the fact that I can't seem to manage this one class as well as I have managed classes in the past. On the other hand, I feel like this is part of a growing trend in education. As I look at this class of mis-matched students from all walks of life, I can sense a growing belief that not only should 100-level classes be incredibly easy, but that every 100-level class should grant an "A" to everyone. It's a growing belief that, quite honestly, agitates me beyond belief. However, as much as I have tried to combat it in this class, I have failed. The students somehow feel entitled to a better grade and because I refuse to "give" it to them (because they have not earned it), many of them are ready to negatively evaluate me.

In all honesty, the negative evaluations do not bother me too much. This evaluation will, most likely, coincide with many other professors' this semester and it is ultimately not going to affect me that much, if at all. It's the disrespect that bothers me. It's the lack of personal responsibility that annoys me. It's the fear that this sense of entitlement is the future of education and, therefore, the future I will inevitably inherit as a problematic in education.

I am trying to be positive. I am trying to be hopeful. Ultimately, I am trying to remember that this is just one of many stages and phases I must go through. Yet, I can't help but feel that this is something I will continue to encounter, again and again. I want to know how to deal with it. I want to effectively combat it. Most importantly, I want to feel better.

Whereupon My Geekiness Gets Me Into Trouble

2008-11-11T03:52:00.006-05:00

Today, for a class project, I thought it would be a good idea to buy a box of legos. This week we're exploring micro and macro structure in the sociocultural tradition and I thought it would be a near perfect way to examine how we create structures. What I forgot, however, was how much I love legos.

I haven't played with legos since I was ~~seven~~, err ~~nine~~, err... thirteen. Hell, I could be wrong about that too! I am, however, confident that the last time I played with my legos was before middle school because only socially-handicapped people who were on the debate team or card-holding members of the mathletes continued to play with them. Of course, I was on the debate team; but not until high school. So, ipso facto, I could've still played with them up to high school, but I assure you that I did not. At least, that's what I want you to think!

So, today, after spending thirty dollars on a three-in-one set of legos, I totally couldn't resist the urge to bust open the box and break into the plastic bags to build a house. In fact, I could hardly contain myself while working on serious grad school work that needed to be completed. It was almost like the inner child in me was crying for release or, perhaps, I met the threshold of my sanity for the day. Either way I ripped into the box when I got home and spent the next hour and ten minutes making one of the three options. As you can clearly see, my beach house design is freaking amazing. Large open windows. A balcony. Cobblestone walkways and a grill.

Of course, I did rely on the guidebook. What? It's not like I had a whole collection of sets to make my own house! Although, if I had more lego sets I totally would've gone crazy and made my own little abode!

Who says you can't relive the childhood you have within you? Either that or grad school really has pushed me over the edge. I'm siding with the good nature of release and creativity, though. I have to for my own sake!

Disgusted and Amused

2008-11-09T23:44:00.004-05:00

Lately, in our building, there has been a piss perpetrator. He has pissed on the seat of the bathroom almost everyday for the last month and half and nothing was done. The GTAs, including myself, were highly concerned, but afraid to post a flyer for fear we would lose our bathroom privileges. Some of us even cleaned up the messes so that we wouldn't get blamed for the piss perpetrator's nastiness and lack of cleanliness and concern for others.

Fortunately, we shouldn't have to worry about it as much now. The former debate coach (one of my favorite professors) and smart-ass extraordinaire posted the flyer linked above.

Hopefully the pisser finally hits the can, properly.

The Cosmic Forces That Be

2008-11-08T19:56:00.005-05:00

The cosmic forces of the universe have thrown something new my way again. Life has been good, albeit busy; but yesterday was a cause for some concern.

Yesterday was like any other day. I woke up early and I went to work as usual. I conversed with faculty and friends and got my work done. The highlight of my day was my haircut appointment, which was in the early afternoon. I got there on time and, as usual, I shared random stories with my stylist.

My stylist usually asks about some of the more random things that have happened in my short teaching career. Ever since I told her about the student who wanted to bring a gun on campus as a visual aid, she has had a good-natured curiosity about how students are behaving at college. Often times she asks out of concern for me. After all, some of the student situations have been strange and I think she simply wants to make sure I am doing well.

This time I told my stylist about a strange student I had last semester. This student was an awkward and anxious young woman who e-mailed me incessantly. The problem was that she also found my personal e-mail address (which most of you know) and instant-messaged me once. The instant-messaging incident was strange, not because she found my personal e-mail address, but because she made me feel uncomfortable. It totally violated the student-teacher boundary and I let her know that. I soon blocked her from instant-messaging me and thought nothing of it thereafter. Although, as I noted to my stylist, she was still a bit strange with the e-mails until the semester was over.

Make that "strange with the e-mails" up to the present.

Yesterday night, around 5:30, I received an e-mail from said student with the title "An Formal Apology." I was uncertain, but I soon clicked it open. The e-mail basically read as an apology from a jilted and somewhat deranged individual. In it, my former student told me that there were things I needed to know about her before I "wrote her off as a basket case". She then went on to detail that she felt I had "developed a soft spot" for her and other women with sensitive body issues and eating disorders, and that she "felt drawn to me" because of it. Ultimately, though, she felt like she needed to apologize because she "needed to relieve the tension from her conscience" . She concluded by telling me that she had withdrawn from the college to seek rehabilitation and a less disordered perspective and wanted to apologize for making me feel awkward only because she felt that I was a kindred spirit.

Suffice to say, I was freaked out. It seemed beyond coincidence that I had gotten the e-mail the same day I had mentioned her to my stylist. In my state of shock, I immediately called a good professor of mine and talked to her about the issue. I read her the e-mail and listened to her feedback. She told me, in a jocular manner, that what I went through was basically a rite of passage for all teachers, instructors and professors. She detailed some of the weird experiences she had dealt with and reassured me that this was similar. In particular, she told me not to reply to this student because she felt that this student was "grasping for straws" because she wanted a renewed connection with me since she had not heard from me in months. I appreciated my professor's advice and I heeded it with great concern.

Perhaps too much, though. In light of the e-mail, I decided to remove my MySpace account, privatize my blog, twitter, and facebook (to the extreme), and archive all of the e-mails from this student with the label "Odd Student Issues." I know it is a bit extreme, especially since the e-mail really was not stalker-ish, but I wanted to be safe. I don't want this student to find me, to follow me, or to try and get to know me. Removing or hiding my presence from the places she could find me makes me feel better. It makes me feel further removed from her, and I need that to feel secure. I've had some weird instances in the past and I simply do not want to have to similar instances again. Therefore, "privatized" is the modus operandi from here on out, and I'm more than fine with it. Hopefully you are fine with it too.

Back to Balance

2008-11-01T00:51:00.005-04:00

I think it is evident by my lack of posts over the last three months that I have been either insanely busy, incredibly lazy, mysteriously abducted, or found dead. Given that I am writing to you right now though, I think the last option isn't realistic. I'll let you decide, though.

I will not bore you by delineating the details of what has happened since my second year of graduate school, nor will I post a litany of random happenings. Instead, I'll let you assume that it has been similar to the previous year with one clear exception that you may or may not believe: I am actually less stressed and less emotional than last year.

This semester has been an amazing source of struggle and devotion, and I've been having a blast! As geeky as it is, I retook the GRE for the third time and rocked it! My verbal and quantitative scores were some of the best I have ever had and I got the average I need for all the schools I am applying to. To add to that, I also found out that my paper got accepted into a regional conference to be held in February! I was one of only seven people to make it into the organizational communication panel, and I am positive that the competition was intense, so it means even more to me that I made it in. Not only do I get to jet away from Idaho in February, but I will also have the chance to meet various scholars from other colleges, some of which I am applying to! I'm most hopeful that I'll get to meet a few professors from UC-Boulder as that is the top school on my list, but even if I do not get to, the experience of presenting at my first conference will be enough for me.

Aside from that, I've been meaning to post pictures with my entries, but I don't have a camera. Unfortunately my digital camera is still broken, so I can't take pictures and post them on here. I have, however, requested that I get a new camera for Chirstmas. If I am lucky, I might just get one. Otherwise, it is going to be a while before I can afford a camera. Naturally I'm a little disappointed that I do not have a camera because I love taking photos and I miss snapping shots as a past-time activity. I'll keep you posted. Although, I guess you don't have to worry about the vanity shots...unless I re-discover photo booth on my MacBook.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to stay devoted, motivated, and relaxed. I've found a way to maintain the balance of school and life, although it is thrown off at times (especially during grading speeches, the bane of every COMM 101 professors existence). However when the balance is in motion, I am a machine, a scholarly stud, and an all-round alacritous, erudite, guy-natured guy ready to take on anything that comes my way. I'm looking forward to getting back to the balance and back to everything that lies ahead.

Rescue Me

2008-07-29T16:33:00.002-04:00

I have so much to write about and so much to say, but I don't have enough time to put these thoughts and words down. With any luck, though, I'll be out of here--this town--soon enough to write about the series of events I have had to be party to.

"Strapped" Summer Survival Tip#1: Offsetting Your Energy Bills

2008-07-16T01:10:00.010-04:00

In light of my impecunious status as of the end of the spring semester, I've decided that it would be best to start sharing some of my "tips" for survival. These will not only be hilarious insights into my life, but also clear lessons to learn from should you ever end up being broke.

That being said, there are a few clarifications to make.

First off, all of these tips will assume that the individual in question has at least $500 (or a relatively similar amount if you live in a low- or high-cost of living area) to live on for almost three whole months. Secondly, that said individual knows how to budget the limited amount of funds, especially when he or she does not have a job. Next, that said individual has access to local resources such as parents, friends, and public spaces (e.g. your local library, your office [if you have a job and if you have one!]) for a variety of reasons to be explicated later. Finally, that said individual has a great sense of humor and manages to wake up everyday (whether in the morning or late afternoon!) knowing that he or she will, in fact, be alright.

With that settled, I introduce Strapped Summer Survival Tip#1

OFFSETTING YOUR ENERGY BILLS

In the absence of a job and any sort of accountability to anyone else, it is likely that you are home most of the time. While this may, in fact, be enjoyable after a strenuous semester, it is also potentially expensive. Whether you are playing video games, watching television or movies, cooling off with the air conditioner, or reading a good book at night, chances are your energy bills will be on the rise. While most bills are lest expensive per rate during the summer, it is still likely that your bills will be more expensive in terms of energy usage (per unit) during these months. Therefore, I recommend the following:

Unplug any electronics not in use or unnecessary devices. Not using the cellphone charger? Unplug it. Leaving the TV and DVD player plugged in when you aren't home? Unplug them or buy a phantom powerstrip to cut the power when they are not in use. According to Diana McLaren of bankrate.com, these electronic devices (specifically TVs) can "cost your almost $80 in wasted electricity." While that cost is an annual average, it figures out to about $20 over three months. And while that $20 may not seem like a lot, it will buy you three to four small bags of rice or two big bags of rice (enough to survive three months on). Plus, unplugging unused and unnecessary devices contributes to increased conservation of natural resources. You can be a hippie AND be cheap, who knew!
Replace your light bulbs with energy efficient ones. This works best if you already replaced your light bulbs when you had money! Energy Star certified light bulbs "use about 75% less energy than standard lighting, produce 75 percent less heat, and lasts up to 10 times longer." Again, the costs are minimal in a three month period, but it is likely you'll save around $20 to $60 by making the switch.
Use your resources! That is, use your family, friends or public spaces. When it comes to family and friends, don't be a pest and demand or request to use their resources for your gain. Rather, use them as they allow you to. Chances are your family and friends will allow you to plug you laptop in, surf the Internet, and hang out at their place. Therefore, don't overstep your welcome.
Given the limited amount of offsetting you'll get out of your family and friends, it is best to use public spaces. Public libraries, the opiate for the public and the poor, allow you to not only find a quiet place to work, but typically allow you to plug a laptop or cellphone into an electrical socket for free. This way you can get work done and not have to worry about the cost of energy! As an added bonus, you'll likely be in a cool location where you don't have to worry about adjusting the AC for the right temperature.
If you think you can afford it, you can cruise to your local coffeeshop and use their internet (if it is free), but you'll probably have to pay for a cup of joe and suffer through the local noises.
Get outside! When everything else fails, make sure to spend more time outside. If the weather is nice and you know of a few places where you can sit and read or enjoy yourself, then go there. Staying at home only increases the chances that you'll use energy when you do not need to. In fact, it is likely that you'll use more energy because you will try and find things to do if you are at home all day.

Of course, it is evident that these little insights will not make you rich nor save you massive amounts of money. However, in all frugality, they will save you some money that you can easily use elsewhere. In fact, the money you save on electricity in two months can be used to pay for the electricity of the third month if you manage it appropriately. Or you can use the money for something lavish, like a pizza. Either way, you'll feel better knowing that you have a little extra cash through conservation and the cost of someone else. It is a bit selfish, but, then again, I didn't say the tips would be virtuously moral!

Chalk One More Line Up For Me

2008-07-15T16:18:00.009-04:00

These days run together with little interruption and slight aberrations. Not much changes and I find myself doing much of the same work day after day. Fortunately I have been able to mix things up a little lately, but there nothing too terribly novel to report except, perhaps:

I recently started watching Torchwood. For those of you who don't know, it is a sci-fi/fantasy series from the BBC. It's sort of like The X-Files meets Roswell (when it was good [i.e. only during Season 1]). So far I have finished the first two discs and I can't wait to see the rest of the series.
I downloaded Song Summoner: The Unsung Heroes for the iPod nano. It was a well-reasoned impulse buy that I can, fortunately, afford (it was only $5). Since it was designed by Square-Enix, it naturally follows that it is a strategy-RPG similar to Final Fantasy Tactics, except it uses your music to make troops. It's highly addicting! In fact, the first night I had it, I played the game for six hours straight! I have since, of course, recomposed myself and restricted my playtime to a few hours a day.
Half.com officially sucks! While I have sold about 40-50 items in the last two months, I have only received feedback from half of them. Moreover, half.com's new policy regarding feedback for buyers is completely biased. Instead of allowing the seller to have any sort of recourse or compensation, the new policy does not allow sellers to give negative or neutral feedback to buyers. Yet buyers are allowed to give whatever feedback they want and both neutral and negative feedback lower the seller's rating! It follows the maxim that "the customer is always right," when the customer may, in fact, be particularly persnickety and a complete douche bag. As you may have guessed by now, I got a neutral rating from a seller. Apparently the book didn't arrive fast enough, even though it arrived on time. Instead of talking to me, though, the buyer gave me a neutral rating which lowered my perfect score down to a 97%! What is worse is that I had already given him positive feedback, so I couldn't do anything about the situation. Well, given the new policy, it is not like I could do anything anyway. I could've abstained from leaving feedback, but that doesn't do anything.
It is likely that I'll be headed out to South Dakota at the end of the month. It isn't a vacation, though. Rather, I'll be helping my family out for a few days. It will be nice to see my family again and, I suppose, hit the road. The travel time does not bode well, but I will manage.
Today marks the one month mark (or close to it, anyway) until I get my loan money! Internet, you know how big a deal this is for me! Of course, I am still getting by considerably well, but I am looking forward to the arrival of funds. I have already drafted a list of the things I need to do with my money (including paying back a few people!), so I'll be set to jet once I am financially sound. Hopefully I receive the full amount I have requested for this year, otherwise there could be problems down the line. And, in re-reading that, I realize I sound like a loan-leech, but, honestly, what else can you call the majority of college students these days? Indebted dorks? Impecunious indolent individuals? Educated bums?

Until then, I am counting down the days, line by line, because, as Destiny's Child said so, erm, "eloquently": "I'm a survivor. I'm gonna make it. I will survive. Keep on survivin'."

Still Fighting It

2008-07-02T05:18:00.008-04:00

"Everybody knows it sucks to grow up, and everybody does...Let me tell you what, the years go on and we're still fighting it. We're still fighting it." — Ben Folds, Still Fighting It

So far I've survived one week after my hasty voluntary termination of my "cold call" job that clearly was not for me. I know it isn't much, but it means a lot to me, especially when you factor in the severe lack of money I have in my bank account at the moment.

In so many ways, this week has been a true testament to my survival because I have abstained from spending money on anything remotely frivolous. That includes lavish items such as pizzas and coffeeshop pastries and lattes (which, you know, Internet, is a big deal for me!). It has not only taught me to be fiscally responsible through budgeting, but also through cost-benefit analysis (yes, I just said CBA!). I've found that I have reduced the amount of money I am spending on things I do not need (anything new or shiny) while devoting more money to things I do need (like rice, lots and lots of rice!). Plus, I have learned that I can get by on less when I need to (I mean, thousands of generations of rice-based dieters can't be wrong, right?¹).

If anything, though, this last week has helped me realize, more than ever, that I am more of an adult than I have ever been before. That my seem strange at first glance, especially in light of my jocular nature towards this situation, but it is increasingly apparent to me.

You see, Internet, this last year has truly kicked me around. I came back from a summer where I thought I had grown up, but soon learned that I had more growing up to do. In fact, the first semester of graduate school disabused any thoughts I had of truly being a confident self-motivated and inspired adult, let alone a Master's student. And yet, I survived.

However, as I inchoately transitioned into the next semester, I found that I still wasn't where I thought I was. Sure, I had gained some experience, but I had not learned the lessons I needed to learn from the mistakes I had made before. In fact, I repeated many of the same mistakes, only to find myself in a rut of my own construction. I felt empty, alone, and increasingly apathetic. I continually contemplated why I was in graduate school and I could not figure out why life generally sucked. I even thought I was depressed for a while, but realized that I was just being hard on myself for my shortcomings. So, I struggled though both the assignments and mental setbacks, all the while eagerly awaiting this summer.

Somehow I had gotten it into my head that this summer would be the panacea for all the ills I struggled with and endured during the year. I imagined that I would take a carefree vacation that would clear my head of all my worries and prepare me for the rest of the summer. I assumed I would land a job within weeks of my return from said vacation and that I would be able to easily continue my studies at a leisurely pace that would actually allow me to enjoy the process. In short, I believed that the Fates would somehow spin me a new thread that wove away from personal responsibility and difficulty into relaxation and ease.

To be sure, it was sophomoric, simplistic, and a tad bit selfish. To think that everything would just fall into place without much effort on my part! And yet, it is exactly what a broken, yet hopeful person would assume and hope for—a break, a pause, a let up from all the letdowns.

It is what I assumed.

However, in light of the shocking disappearance of last month (June seriously flew by), my lack of steady income (lets face it, half.com doesn't shell out the big bucks for old books, DVDs, CDs, and video games), and my dwindling funds (because of all those pizzas, pastries, and lattes), I have come to realize that the "beatdown" of this year has actually been the culmination of the growing pains of adulthood—the realization that I must become responsible for all aspects of my life. No longer can I leave this life up to faith, fate, chance or good hope. No longer can I naively assume that there is a fail-safe for everything. No longer can I rely on "easy outs," life lines or a resurrection of the spirit.

Instead, I am finally realizing that I am becoming an adult. I am joining the ranks of the thousands upon thousands who have been fighting to get by. I am fighting for myself amongst others. I am fighting an uphill battle for my stability, happiness, and security. Most importantly, I am becoming more of myself through my struggles—my losses and gains.

Indeed, I am figuring out the game before I am lost to it. The terrain is uncertain, but I refuse to simply jump from one point to another. I refuse to move forward on blind hope. I refuse to let it all go on the assumptions that "I'll have it down later" or that "I'll feel better in due time." I refuse to back down from my dreams. Most importantly, I refuse to surrender my potential to the unknown because it is too easy to fall back on doubt and uncertainty and the possibility of "what could have been."

From here on out I am going to suck it up and give it my all. I am going to survive, persevere, and fight with all I have through thick and thin until I get "there"— until I am—or until I can no longer fight²!

_{1: It also worked for all those contestants on Survivor too!}
_{2: Or whenever the rice runs out, whichever comes first.}

...And I Thought Last Summer Was A Challenge!

2008-06-25T18:59:00.004-04:00

Alright, I admit it! I could not hack that job. Yes, seriously, I quit the job I JUST got hired for.

While I have never quit a job so hastily, I knew I had to quit this one. Calling a couple hundred people in a day and getting hung-up on or ignored the majority of the time just did not work for me. And while I realize I was doing good work for a good cause, I simply dreaded another day of going through the lists.

The redundancy and un-engaging nature of the job ultimately got to me. It was so bad, in fact, that I had a horrid nightmare during my nap yesterday. I dreamt that a group of black phones were chasing me down, buzzing and zapping me as I screamed, "I am only doing this for GOOD!" They blocked me into a corner behind a desk and continued to buzz and zap me until I finally woke up in a light warm sweat.

Talk about a impetus for leaving!

On the positive side, though, I did learn something in this short-lived experience. While call center work is CLEARLY not for me, I have a new found respect for the people that can and do this in order to survive or make extra cash. Either they have nerves of steel and nothing truly phases them or they simply don't care what gets thrown their way.

I also learned that, in job selection scenarios, "when it rains, it pours." In other words, had I been more realistic with myself, I would've declined this job on the mere notion that I couldn't hack it. While I didn't feel like I couldn't manage the job during the interview and training, my perspective completely changed once I got into it on the first day. In retrospect, then, I would have taken the chance on waiting for the call from the other job I interviewed for and rolled with either accepting the position or not getting it and moving on.

In the end, I am thankful that my best friend was able to help me with this job, but I should've been more honest with her and told her that it wasn't me. I didn't know until I tried, though.

So, now I have to figure out how to get by for the next six to seven weeks. While I have enough money to tide me over until the end of July, it's going to be a penny-pinching stretch. My parents have offered to pay one month's rent, if needed, and a best friend has offered to help if I need anything; but I hope it doesn't come to that.

For now, though, I think I am going to have to sell myself as candidly as possible. The title "educated bum" was always a joke, but now it is my reality. Who knew!

Six Weeks

2008-06-22T23:54:00.000-04:00

After two interviews and a lot of running around and applying for multiple jobs, I finally landed a job for the summer. The job isn't particularly glamourous, but it is worthwhile and manageable. I'll basically be on the phone all day from 9 to 5 sort of telemarketing, except that I am not selling anything. Instead, I'll be asking businesses to donate money to our non-profit organization.

I can already tell that I will do well with the job, but that it will require a great deal of disassociation on my part. In this light, it is going to be a challenge because I will have to avoid becoming too invested in the work that I do. However, given the nature of this job (mainly, the non-stop calling) and the fact that it is a temporary position, I should be able to slide on by for the next six weeks (or more, if I decide to stay a little longer). Plus, the job pays a great deal more than any of the other positions I applied to. It will give me the extra and necessary cashflow that I will need for the rest of the summer.

Aside from that, the next six weeks will also involve continued training for the 10K and half-marathon I plan to race in within the next two to four months. Although I thought I was improving on my time over the last few weeks, my Nike+ seems to think otherwise. Apparently the treadmill runs do not produce near the same mileage as they claim to. Either that, or my Nike+ calculates distance with pace and stride so precise that I am going to have to avoid the treadmill for my remaining runs. Either way, I was planning on kicking curbside over the next week anyway. Still, it is a little annoying to not know my exact pace. Also, I need to figure out how to stop my shin splints from flaring up. Although I do not run too intensely, I typically mange to upset my shins enough that I have to ice them down. It's painful and time consuming because it throws off my running schedule for at least two days. With any luck, though, my change of terrain will help me get stronger and run longer. Plus, my Lance Armstrong workout will totally help me kick my ass into shape.

So, six weeks (or seven) weeks to the finish. Think I can manage?

11.5 Months (and Everything In Between)

2008-06-13T02:09:00.002-04:00

11.5 months. The items are in place and the reverse calendar is set. Each date is a milestone, a benchmark of completion that will will keep me going and push me further. My life is planned and I plan to stay organized and on task.

In a zen-like way, my life is balanced. Although it is far from certain, the balance will hopefully be maintained and I'll be able to enjoy whatever comes my way. My academic goals will run alongside my personal goals, each enriching the other. It's exciting and promising!

For now, I am continuing my work while enjoying my free time. In between my readings and writings (and applying for jobs), I have been training for a wicked 10K that will occur in a month! I am also getting geared up for my Ph.D. applications by finalizing my personal statements, CV, and resume. In the next three months, I'll be applying to schools all over the nation and, hopefully, getting accepted to many of them.

It seems like a long way from here, but competing in races and completing sections of my thesis will quickly turn into commencement. The applications will become letters of acceptance and rejection, and, in due time, I'll be in a new place. It is all in front of me and I am excited by what tomorrow brings.

The Job Search

2008-06-11T17:36:00.002-04:00

I hate applying for jobs. You have to fill out so much information over and over again. Attach a resume. Attach references. Discuss why you left your other jobs. By the end of the application, I am usually so tired of the questions that I start questioning how bad I actually want the job.

Unfortunately, this summer I am in desperate need of a job. While I have enough money to hold me over for the next month, my funds will soon run out. Also, it would be nice to have some extra cash to save and spend. While I have applied to fourteen places total, I have only heard back from four. The first place called me and left a message, but when I called back and tried to get a hold of the employer he wasn't around. He also never called back. The second place called to setup a meeting where we would discuss job openings, but it turned out to be an information session on how to apply for a job (as if I don't know!). It was a waste of my time and it agitated me to be lectured on what to do and where to go. The third place set up an appointment for an interview almost immediately, but it isn't until next week. It pays well, but I don't know how crazy I am about doing call center-like work. The last place called and set up an interview with me for Monday next week. The hours and pay are a little less than the third place, but I could continue the job into the school year if I wanted to.

At least I sort of have some options. If the interviews go well, I'll have my pick of which job I want to do. If not, then I'll probably have to phone the parentals and ask them for cash. I hate having to do that, but I also do not want to continually struggle to get by everyday either.

Wish me luck!

Running to Move

2008-06-09T23:19:00.009-04:00

Alright, I've been away for a little over two months and some of you (if anyone still reads this) are probably wondering what happened. The short of it is that graduate school took over my life once again. I know, I know: "Does he ever stop talking about graduate school?" and "Oh, it's always about how challenging graduate school is," and "You would think that either graduate school killed him. . .or he offed himself."

For the foremost item, I must apologize. I honestly dislike talking about graduate school so much because I know that when people talk about the same subject over and over again it becomes annoying. Therefore, part of the reason why I didn't write on here was because my blog was starting to become a "venting board" of sorts. Sure, it helped me relax through cathartic release, but it was probably boring and/or annoying to read. Not that that is bad, but, in truth, this blog was never intended to be a venting board. So, if you've been turned off by that, I am sorry. I am going to try my best to mix it up more with random thoughts and decrease the graduate school drama. This isn't Greek, after all!

For the second comment, I must extend my apologizes. Although, I must also qualify this by stating that graduate school has been exceptionally challenging for me because I've never had to take on and balance so much in my life. At the end of this year, though, I have learned that I am capable of doing all of the things that are required of me. I primarily thank "The Now Habit" by Neil Fiore, Ph.D. for this refreshing outlook. Still, as I said above, I will try not to detail the convoluted nature of my life in graduate school because, while some stories are interesting (and merit posting and discussion), a lot of them don't. Therefore, the intricate nature of my life as a graduate student need not be so exposed.

Finally, for the last comment, it is obvious graduate school has not killed me nor have I offed myself (although, due to my dark and often morbid sense of humor, I have joked about this). In truth, graduate school has not only helped me grow, but allowed me to truly question if what I am doing is what I want to do. Each day is a test, and each semester is a trial. Yet, at the end of it all, I am able to count my accomplishments and learn from my mistakes. It is this perspective, as well as the support of great friends, faculty members, and family, that has allowed me to solidify my resolve to become and educator. I know I will continue to question this, to continue to struggle with my decisions, but I will always affirm my decisions and continue forward. Graduate school certainly will not be the death of me; rather, it will be the transformation of who I am into who I am capable of being. So, please, quit keeping bets!

Now that that's settled, I'd like to list a few things I have accomplished, enjoyed, or partook in the last two months or so:

Niel Fiore, Ph.D. and author of "The Now Habit," changed my life! I feel revivified and ready to take on the next year.
I ran my first 5K in May and did well for timing. I ran the race in 24:37!
I survived my first year of graduate school and, therefore, I am half a Master of Communication (Ok, not really, but I like to think so)!
My advisor/chair has helped me figured out where I want to go for graduate school and is pushing me to crystalize my conference paper.
I visited with my best friends in Southern Idaho, met up with my awesome cousin, and went to a Margot & The Nuclear So and So's concert in Salt Lake City. The concert rocked, although the venue wasn't particularly amazing.
I found a new band I highly enjoy: Cameron McGill. Check him out, he's going to be big one day.
I drove 1,700 miles in a week (and, contrary to some unnamed individuals' opinions, I did not speed that bad [Also, who has a better driving record? That's what I thought!]).
My aunt, uncle, and cousins were fun to hang out with, even though the weather sucked.
My family in Colorado survived the tornados of doom!
I began studying for the GRE. . .again (even though I don't really need to).
Neverwinter Nights 2 (NWN2) took over my life for three days. I became a level 9 warrior with an awesome party that has yet to fight orcs. Yes, geekiness I am proud of! Haha!
I am training for a 10K in July and a half marathon in October!
I am still searching for a part-time/temporary job for the summer.

That has been my life in short. Since I do not have a job yet, my days are filled with running, reading, writing, studying, light cooking, and the occasional video game (when warranted). In truth, running has been the key to the balance in my life. I run to know that I can go that extra mile, literally, and to remind myself that I am strong, capable, and fallible, yet constantly improving. It has been the key to the balance and peace I have seen in the last month and a half. Although it was somewhat difficult to manage and grasp at first (in terms of scheduling time for recreation OVER my studies), I have become more comfortable and dependent on it. It keeps me focused, relaxed, and striving for more. With any luck, I'll become an elite athlete. . .at least, my cousin and I like to joke about that!

As I seek employment this summer, I keep pushing myself on every front I am capable of handling. Whether I am running, working on my paper or thesis, (hopefully) working, or playing that video game on the side, I am staying strong. Although I do not have full control, I am capable of doing enough with what I have and that is all I need.

Hurry Up and Wait (Or Push, Paddle, or Swim)

2008-03-18T22:42:00.003-04:00

It's always hurry up and wait; behind the barrel or under the gun. I can't seem to find the happy medium. I can't seem to find the place that will allow me to feel at ease as I progress forward.

Perhaps I am being stretched too thin? I have so many projects to take care of, so many organizations I lead or take part in. I am here. I am there. I am in-between. I am everywhere and nowhere.

Or maybe it just seems that way.

The truth is, this semester has made me feel more bipolar than I ever thought possible (and I am not even clinically diagnosed!). One moment I am excited and motivated to continue working, studying, researching and writing. The next, I am vexed, tired and uninspired. Unfortunately I can't figure out the source of these oscillating emotions and moods. I suspect a great deal of it comes from stress, the ebb and flow of assignments to do and to grade. One day I am ahead, and then the next day I am behind.

Additionally, I believe that the drama—the rumors, mumblings, and uncertainty—is eating away at everyone. While it may start of as a contained thought or concern, the drama often manifests itself in new ways. It becomes aggressive. It swoops into conversations and thoughts and holds them hostage. In the end, we end up discussing things to death out of concern and worry. And in those discussions we lose sight of what we believe in, what we have been working towards. I think we let that drama consume the best of us not only because it is so overwhelming, but because it is so easy to sink beneath the turbulent waves of it. We are inundated with these confusing messages that negate all we've been fighting for and, instead of pushing towards the surface or paddling harder and faster, we let the waves crash down.

Don't get me wrong. It is hard to push, to paddle, to swim instead of sink. I know that I have a hard time doing it. I know that I have let many waves crash down around me. Yet, at the same time, I keep trying to push, to paddle and to swim. I am not going to let uncertainty and fear guide my actions and lead me into inaction. I know better. I am stronger than that. I am better than that.

You Reap What You Sow

2008-03-16T19:15:00.001-04:00

My thoughts of graduate school have been increasingly better as of late. This semester has gone progressively better than the previous, and I am starting to feel as if I have carved the groves of my niche. Still, these thoughts are constantly changing depending on the day and the news.

Graduate teaching assistant (GTA) positions are up in the air again, and I am excited to have the chance at securing my position for another year. However, I learned earlier this week that a person I knew from the debate team applied to be a graduate teaching assistant in the department. Obviously it would be sheer folly to speak ill of this person, especially since it reflects poorly on me. Still, I feel justified in saying that I do not support this person's presence in the department or as GTA. Indeed, I would hardly say this about anyone else, but this person warrants and elicits this response from me.

I have known this individual for five years and he/she has never been honest, authentic, compassionate, or concerned for anyone. Instead this person has been consistently selfish, unkind, dramatic, and unapologetic in all of his/her actions. He/She never even felt bad about the damage his/her words inflicted when spoken. There was never repose nor reflection; no broad insight into the damage done.

When I heard that this person was highly recommended by certain people, my heart sank. Flashbacks from three years ago instantly flashed through my head. Each moment filled with intensity, drama, and disdain. I remembered the words this person spoke, telling me and others that we weren't worthy. I remembered the malicious actions this person took to hurt others and to feel better about their place in the world. Mostly, I remembered how much I disliked this person, but not on principle. I remembered that I disliked this person for what he/she brought out in others, for what he/she made others do, and for he/she made others feel. When I think about it in this sense, I worry about what he/she will do if they get the position. I worry about the way he/she will shake the stable foundations in place. I worry about how he/she will try to make everything a personal issue and cause pain in others.

Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about this. As much as I believe this person is not qualified nor deserving of the GTA position, I do not decide. Instead, I can only sit back and observe the action the department takes. I can only wait and see.

In the event that he/she receives a GTA position, I'll accept the actions taken by the department. However, I will not accept this person as a friend, colleague, or peer. Perhaps if this person had been apologetic or reflective in his/her actions, I would feel somewhat better about lending a helping hand. I cannot justify helping him/her, though. He/She sowed the seeds of his/her discontent and unraveling a long time ago. Now it is time for him/her to reap what was sown.

The Birthday and The Lowdown

2008-03-14T01:50:00.001-04:00

I turned 23 on March 9th and it was a blast. I must admit that I was apprehensive about my birthday, hanging out with new people, and getting old. However, it was, without a doubt, one of the best weekends and birthday's I ever had. I enjoyed great food and two wonderful movies with a great friend on Friday. On Saturday, my newer friends and I stormed downtown and had a picture/video scavenger hunt and barhopping fiesta (there are pictures on facebook if you are interested). Sunday concluded the festivities. My brother and I had dinner at a local Japanese Steakhouse and joked about getting older.

I couldn't have asked a for a better birthday!

Lately, though, I haven't been feeling too well. Unfortunately, I think I picked up the flu or food poisoning. Hopefully it is the latter of the two. In the meanwhile, I am sort of "relaxing" at home while working on school work.

Where Are You?

2008-03-05T02:04:00.004-05:00

I've been taking time to reassess my current situation and, so far, it has helped me feel better. I am still not sure why these existential questions keep lingering, droning out my usual thoughts, but I am taking them as they come. If anything, though, they have helped me rethink what I am doing, what I want to do, and where I am going. In this regard they have been a bit of a blessing, albeit a tumultuous one.

As I have struggled through these times, though, I have been thankful to ask myself, "Where are you?"

"Where are you?" has served a reminder that I am here, in the now—I cannot be in another place nor in another time. "Where are you?" has guided my actions, focusing my movements and intentions, letting me know that I can only move forward from where I am. "Where are you?" has made me see that the past the collection of events trailing the present. Most importantly, "Where are you?" has made me positively refocus the haunting thoughts of chaos/uncertainty/crisis.

It is a fragile defense. A mere stream of words accented by a question mark. Yet, though it is frail, it is an idea—a progressive thought—that has helped me power through. And if I can just recall it—if I can just feel the burning fire within me and the air of hope around me—I know I will be alright.

Almost Twenty-Three

2008-03-04T01:20:00.003-05:00

I am almost twenty-three and I feel lost in the world around me. I know where I am and what I am doing, but I feel like I have more to learn about myself and my place in the world. Moreover, it is a feeling I cannot shake. I keep returning to it, wondering why I feel uncertain about where I am.

I know part of my uncertainty comes from the instability I feel within the department. Yet, I also feel a longing for something more, something entirely novel and beyond myself. I want to feel that sense of joy and adventure again--that feeling like I am experiencing life in the fullest. I want something beyond what I know and do well.

I suppose it will happen in time. I know I will continue to grow and figure out more about myself. Still, I long for adventure and new challenges.

Perhaps, one day not too long from now, I will find that adventure. Until then, though, I will continue to be where I am in the present. I will try to find the joy in each new day while I continue to hope for something better down the road.

Once...Again!

2008-02-26T01:34:00.001-05:00

I am so glad that Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova won the Oscar for "Original Song." Hear their live performance below and their acceptance speech.

Drive

2008-02-24T03:40:00.000-05:00

Lately I've noticed that my undertakings haven't driven my motivation as much. As I continue to struggle with this, I can't help but wonder when the fire will burn enough underneath me to move me.

This semester's coals haven't enkindled much of anything. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize my drive has less to do with graduate school and more to do with my personal state of being this semester. Unfortunately, though, I can't figure out what will ignite the latter to set fire to the former.

For now, though, I am continuing my studies, albeit somewhat begrudgingly. Until I can find the reason—the spark to the match—I won't be able to feel burn that pushes me forward.

Another Donation

2008-02-21T16:45:00.002-05:00

I am in a giving mood, I guess. Or perhaps it is the news I read (ABC News reports that [the American Leadership Project] is seeking 100 Clinton supporters to each give $100,000 to fund its $10 million effort to promote Senator Clinton and "contrast" her positions with Barack Obama's.)?

Either way, I am for Obama all the way. Another donation, double the amount this time, is totally worth it.

Yes. We. Can.

Hopeful

2008-02-19T22:45:00.001-05:00

Lately I've been reading more about globalization due largely in part to a course I am taking this semester. Still, globalization has always intrigued me. Ever since I read "World on Fire" by Amy Chua, I've often thought about my personal role in globalization, our nation's role in globalization, and how fast and quickly the world is changing.

As I sat down over the weekend to read my assigned readings, I wasn't surprised by most of the information. I have to admit that Chua's amazing book prepared me for a great deal of the discussion within my chapters from the Globalization and Development Reader. At the same time, though, I found myself wanting to know more than I knew. I found myself reading the information presented to me--not skimming it. I was fascinated! I felt, to put it to the words of Flyleaf (yes, a real reputable and eloquent source, I might add), that I "could feel [it] all around me."

I felt that the world was moving faster than I ever thought it was before.

Now, I have often taken time to reflect on the world around me, questioning where I was going and what I was doing in it; but this was entirely selfish and personal. I honestly haven't taken enough time to think about my role in it and my contributions for a better (or worse) world. As I finished my readings this week, I thought heavily about the future of our world. I thought about the pulse of the world, now beating ever faster. I felt the connections, the gaps of time and space closing. Resources dwindling. Environments changing. Cultures and identities disappearing. Technological advancements bringing (and binding) nations together. I saw the people, each pressing on and struggling to survive what life they had been dealt. I sensed the extremes, the ends uncertain by increasing integration, and their anger and passion to fight the fold. I felt connected, but distant. I felt affected and afflicted, yet fortunate and blessed. I felt helpless, yet hopeful.

Ultimately I felt like the problem and the solution.

Earlier tonight, while searching for resources to aid my in-class discussion for tomorrow, I found a video I knew I had to share. Regardless of what side of the issue you subscribe to, I think this video provides adequate insight into where our world has been and where it is going. It illuminates the cresting conundrum we are facing more and more everyday. It opens the dialogue and asks for you to contribute to the discourse--even in the slightest. Although it is not a lot, it is a simple way to engage people in the discussion.

What are your thoughts? Do you even care?

As for me, I plan on donating not only money, but my time, energy, and future scholarship to working towards a world where people have a say on the changes that are occurring. I want the future to be full of hope, not dictated by the standards that have determined the direction for centuries.

Happiness. . .Is Not Fish That You Can Catch

2008-02-19T14:30:00.001-05:00

My friend and co-worker, Stephanie, sent me a link about the world's happiest nation. Any guess which nation is the happiest in the world?

It certainly isn't America. We're too busy worrying about violence, Heath Ledger, and Britney Spears.

Japan? Are you kidding me! The suicide rate is one of the highest in the world!

It's not Great Britain, but you are getting warmer.

Check it out here!

Once

2008-02-18T22:04:00.009-05:00

Last week I rented "Once" from Netflix. The movie had been recommended to me since November, but I never got around to adding it to my list. I think the movie synopsis initially made me uncertain about renting it. The summary said it was a "modern day musical," which, as many of you know, I do not like. Musicals are generally too joyous and, therefore, too annoying for me to watch (I honestly can't stand the crazy hand gestures and arm movements, okay!). However, I decided to give "Once" a chance because I had read that the movie included "subtle acoustic music rich with emotion and a story of simple, yet powerful depth."

Indeed, "Once" is an amazingly simple yet powerful story about how a chance encounter can change lives. The movie stars Glen Hansard, Irish rocker from "The Frames," as Guy and Markéta Irglová, a Czech musician, as Girl. Guy is a heartbroken shop worker who performs amazing guitar solos on the street for extra cash. He lives with his father and, as a result of his heartbreak over the loss of his lover, is uninspired to move beyond his current place in life. Girl is a recent immigrant to the Irish city. She is poor, but works multiple jobs to obtain cash. One night she encounters guy and changes his life thereafter. She motivates him to win his girlfriend back and he helps her see the strength and beauty in her struggles. The two come together in an inspired connection, performing music together to overcome the mental obstacles that haunt them. In the end, they are empowered by one another and go on to live the lives they were meant to.

At the heart of the movie, though, is the music. While some critics would call this movie a musical, I would call it a subtle romance. Unlike a musical, the music does not facilitate action nor describe a scene. Instead, the music of "Once" is about deep thought and emotion. It's about where each character has been, what they have experienced and felt, and where they want to be. The music characterizes the individuals, guiding and eventually concluding the story. In the end, the movie is a pseudo-documentary local color slice of life. It's a story that transcends what is depicted within and translates to the lives of those who watch it. For, as the title suggests, each one of us has had that moment in our lives "Once."

If you haven't seen this movie and you like romance movies, check it out. If you like the music of Glen Hansard, check it out. If you like the music of Damien Rice or any variants thereof, check it out. If your like me and you like adorable Czech women with talent (Markéta Irglová), check it out! All in all, this movie is the underdog hit of the year. It is amazingly simple, emotional, and powerful. "Once" is worth more than one passing glance.

Also, if you are interested in hearing their music, I recommend you watch the Oscars as Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová will be performing "Falling Slowly" from the movie. Of course, if you can't wait, check out the official movie website or their myspace page.

I Am Not Alone

2008-02-18T20:58:00.002-05:00

The NIU shooting is still heavy on my thoughts, just as it is on the minds of many other college students:

"If a shooter came into some of the biggest classrooms at the University of California-Berkeley, recent graduate Scott Alto wonders whether students would be able to protect themselves..."

I wonder if my university or any others will actually take progressive action to at least deter and prevent someone from trying to kill someone else on campus.

Wallflower Week[end]

2008-02-18T00:10:00.006-05:00

On Wednesday I had a talk with my amazing advisor. We talked about turning in the conference paper to another conference and my lack of motivation and uncertainty about being a scholar and entering the world of academics (largely due to the department). My advisor reminded me that our department is "in transit," even though it seems in disarray. At the same time, she was able to provide me with renewed insight about my studies. She even challenged me to do more with my studies because she knows I am capable of it. I needed that reassurance. Honestly, I don't think I could survive graduate school without her advice and guidance.
Singles Awareness Day came and went. I received a few valentines from close friends and I was thankful for them. I also received the wonderful valentine of 56 papers to grade while eating said valentines from close friends. All in all, it wasn't too bad.
Friday and Saturday were research and reading days at the library. I learned I am surprisingly able to accomplish much more at my study carrel than I am at my house. According to my estimate, with a cogent mathematical equation, I am at least 5.3483 times more productive at the library than I am at home. Coffee, on estimate, adds 1.78 to my productivity initially, lasting for two and a half hours; but detracts 2.487 thereafter.
Also on Friday and Saturday night I was invited to two parties that I declined to attend. While I knew the people that were at the parties, I felt like I didn't belong. It's weird. I have been around most of these people before, but I do not trust them just yet. As strange as it sounds, I feel old when I am around some of the people I know. I know this feeling of "oldness" is actually maturity, but, in these gatherings, it comes off as the plight of the wallflower. I guess I either need to relax more or find other friends to hang out with on a more consistent basis.
After much research, I decide, today, that detoxing the body of toxins might be a good idea. I have wanted to do this for a while, but I didn't think I could dedicate to it. I am not fasting, but I have only drank detox tea for the last 6 hours. It tastes great, but I can honestly say I don't feel different. Perhaps, tomorrow, after noon, I'll feel different. My guess is: weaker.
Tomorrow begins anew. I plan on reading and writing and enjoying some of my day off at the gym.
I am also thankful we don't have class, especially in light of the NIU shootings. I feel safe on campus here, but it does scare me to think (and know) that there are people that come to my campus who are crazy enough to do the same thing. After all, one of my students last semester talked about Virginia Tech more than usual, wanting to bring a gun on campus, and having a concealed weapons license. Suffice to say, I reported him. How far that goes and if it does anything, though, remains to be seen. I mean, what if my student turns out to be like one of these shooters?
This shooting also makes me feel uneasy about the academy as a site of liberal thought. If people cannot practice patience and tolerance in addition to open thought and expression, how will the academy continue to espouse education? How long will it be before there are metal detectors at every entrance to every building? It certainly makes you wonder.

March Madness!

2008-02-12T16:44:00.000-05:00

March is, without a doubt, one of my favorite months. Not only is my birthday early in the month, but the weather is usually starting to change. The snow is melting or gone as the soft sounds of rain hit the windows. The surroundings seem to come alive. The local environment is in bloom and everything seems green. It's serene.

This March will be no exception to that! I recently found a sweet concert to go to and I'll be able to go with friends. I know, that seems odd at first glance. However, when you listen to the indie music that I listen to, it is hard to find a friend to go to concerts with. Fortunately, though, I will be able to see Joshua Radin and Ingrid Michaelson with friends. Even if they aren't as enthusiastic as I am, it will be nice to be in the company of others.

Of course, even if I didn't have friends to go with, I wouldn't have missed this concert. It is something to look forward to after the dreary days of winter.

Frickin' Amazing!

2008-02-12T04:23:00.001-05:00

I always love to hear talent like this. Check out the top three string pieces for the "My Grammy Moment" with the Foo Fighters.

Here's the link. Enjoy!

I especially liked the second and third video. The first one wasn't bad, but it didn't have as much of the action as the other two.

The Invigorating Hush

2008-02-11T03:26:00.000-05:00

I spent most of the day at my office. I've come to find that I enjoy going in on the weekends when no one else is around. Not only is the office silent, but the whole building is noiseless. . .except for the minor creaks of the floor. It is muted bliss. It is a simple escape in a comfortable and familiar place. Strangely, it has become a sort of solitude. A surreal departure from the distractions that seem to plague me at home.

While I love being home, I've come to find that I simply cannot concentrate within the confines of these whitewashed cinderblock walls. Perhaps it is too confining. Perhaps I feel like I need to have the TV on all the time. Whatever the case may be, I simply cannot work as well I used to be able to in the apartment.

Suffice to say, I was able to accomplish a great deal in my time away from home. I read. I graded. I e-mailed. I wrote. I found some sort of "peace" in the chaos that is my life as a graduate student, a teacher, and club president. Though I feel behind the curve on some of my studies (especially when it comes to writing my conference paper), I honestly don't feel bad. For once, while I was sitting in the office today, I didn't feel hurried or rushed. I didn't feel bothered. I didn't feel empty or alone. Instead, I felt relaxed. I felt like I was working at my own pace in my own time with no one over my shoulder. It was a relief.

I only hope I will be able to continue dropping by when no one else is around. The solace the space provides is slim at best, but it is enough to revivify my waning motivation for the coursework ahead and all around me. And right now, it is something I need to keep me moving along.

Donation

2008-02-10T19:58:00.000-05:00

I donated money to fund the progression of hope. I donated to support Barack Obama!

Better

2008-02-06T18:44:00.000-05:00

Now that I have had time to refocus my energies, I feel better. While I cannot say I am back to 100%, I can say that I have been able to get over some the mental hurdles that appeared over the last two weeks. Most of the confusion has dissipated, leaving me time to recollect my thoughts and refine my actions. In the end, as always, I am marking it down to learning.

I still haven't become fully motivated, but I feel better knowing that I have found something to latch onto to keep me moving. It isn't much right now, but it is all I need to get by. Of course, some of you may think that Prozak would help; but I am not depressed (at least not clinically).

The morose and mundane aside, I have found some amazing music for fans of "Something Corporate" or "Jack's Mannequin". I highly recommend you check out "Making April" and their album "Runaway World." The album is a well-woven symphony of melodic piano rock with various high-note, low-beats, and everything in between. The songs flow together, each, though the vivid, precise, and intelligent lyrics, depict dramatic scenes and stories. I especially enjoy "Jump In," "I Wrote This Song," and "Roses and Butterflies" (don't knock it until you hear them)!

Now, if only I could see them in concert.

Returning, Readjusting, and Reflecting

2008-02-05T03:11:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to sit down and compose my thoughts here. I've been meaning to return and voice the thoughts that seem to plague my mind. It has been difficult, though. I've been distracted. I've been short on time. I've been up and I've been down. Though writing typically helps me focus, I avoided it by not making time for myself.

Graduate school has made this easy. I feel like I have been consumed by my studies. . .and I have been. Still, it is no excuse for putting my thoughts down.

Upon returning, I want to rid my mind of this apathy I've been feeling lately. I have felt so unmotivated since I returned from Germany. Usually I would chalk this up to my "seasonal affect disorder" (you know, the disorder I don't have), but I feel like I have lost my motivating focus. In my darkest moments I have felt empty.

As I think back on everything, I feel that last semester shook me up. It was so hellaciously strenuous that, when it ended, I felt liberated. Returning home to Germany allowed me to relax and to be with family. In many ways it was the cure for my pain. But now that I am back in Idaho--now that I am back trying to continue on in graduate school--I am starting to believe that my remedy may have been more illusory than I thought. I know I needed the time to be with family and to be away, but I feel like it spoiled me. For the first time since I entered college, I felt so relaxed and so at ease that I didn't do anything. I was at my most apathetic and I loved it.

I guess that's why it has been so difficult to readjust to this semester. I don't want to return to the engaging, but demanding work that lies ahead. While I know this semester will be of great benefit to me, especially if I get a paper finished for a conference, I can't get motivated. I have been trying to find my focus, to find my reason; but I can't.

Voicing this concern has helped, though. Although I do not feel fully reenergized, I feel better. The sense of urgency hasn't hit me, but I know it will. I know I'll feel revivified in time. The question is, how much time will I need?

I'll stop after this...

2007-11-24T21:34:00.000-05:00

This is "Broadripple is Burning" by Margot & the Nuclear So and So's as performed by "The Spring Escape." I actually like this version a lot.

Currently Enjoying

2007-11-24T05:27:00.000-05:00

I can't get to sleep tonight, once again.

In the meantime, I am enjoying "Broadripple is Burning" by Margot & The Nuclear So and So's. I highly recommend you check it out.

(And, yes, I'll be updating my blog template over winter break. Three more weeks.)

My Motivation

2007-11-23T19:56:00.001-05:00

I've been teased! I've been chasing an illusion for the last week, all the while grasping at something that I knew I could not obtain. I kept thinking that I could somehow reach it and, for a moment, be where I wanted to be. However, now that I am almost at the end, I feel awakened and uplifted in my disillusion.

The course of events for this break were almost the same as before and I followed the routine like clockwork. I let myself believe, as I do every year, that I could and should be beyond what I am capable of. I packed as much as I could into the few days I had, hoping I would be able to do everything. I kept contributing to my burden with every thought of what I needed to do. However, as the days went by, my motivation and sanity quickly depleted. I accomplished a lot, but I never let myself feel good about what I finished. I built myself up only to tear myself down.

Yet, during my seasonal self-fulfilling prophecy, I learned something.

As I was sitting alone listening to Margot & The Nuclear So and So's, I realized that I am a creature of vicious habits. Instead of focusing on the fact that I had survived most of the semester, I had allowed myself to fall into a senseless rut of my own creation. I didn't even let myself see that, though the semester has been tough, I only had three weeks left before I could say, "I made it!"

Though simple enough, it shook off some of the weight I had strapped to myself. I felt lighter. I told myself that I would look on the bright side and break the usual habit.

So, here I sit tonight, working on my homework, yet taking it easy. I am starting to see that I can only do so much until I have to give the rest to time. My life shouldn't be about extra constraints I impose on myself, but, instead, should be about my attempts to break free of those I that I can. I plan to do this as much as possible, whenever I see the opportunities available.

My "Tyler Durden"

2007-11-20T03:46:00.001-05:00

Stress engenders unusual and deviant phenomena both in my life and within me. Though I feel fine during these instances, I am never completely fine. There is always something boiling under the surface, stewing away until it can bubble over into some part of my day, week, or month.

In some ways I have grown accustomed to the undeniable fact that stress will always be a part of my life because I make it part of my life. Stress and I have a symbiotic relationship, if that is even possible. Even though it can be imposed upon me by others, and even though I know it only has as much power over me as I allow it to; we engage in tussles to determine who reigns supreme. Sort of like the Narrator and Tyler Durden in "Fight Club," only not as psychotic nor homoerotic.

I cannot place my finger on the main issue. I cannot determine why my life is and has always, seemingly, been this way. I do, however, know that it is almost entirely mental.

I seem to throw mental roadblocks in my path. However, instead of simple sidewinding curves, my mind goes to the extremes of cliffhanging hairpin turns. I make mountains out of molehills. I see land mines in green grass. Yet, aside from taking it one turn, reach, or step at a time, I can't release myself form this tension.

For some reason, I always feel like I'm under the gun. I'm always on the run without ever knowing where exactly I am going. I cannot shape it no more than stop it because I feel some innate drive within me. I am compelled by it; yet, pushed, pulled, and tugged at the same time.

At the very least, though, I feel like I can handle my stress--my "Tyler Durden"--much better. Being by myself has been tough. Classes have not been easy. Teaching has challenged me more than I thought it would. Yet, I feel inured to this life I have going for me. Sometimes I feel caught up in all of it. Other times, I feel like I am drowning in all of it. At my most desolate, I feel consumed by it.

Most of the times, though, I feel support all around me. It always lingers off in the distance and it is never hard to find, though clouded in stress. Although it often appears as a simple spark in my darkest hours, it becomes the ray of perseverance and hope that guides me through and leads me closer to where I am meant to be.

Lost in Contemplation

2007-10-17T03:33:00.000-04:00

I am starting to feel like Bill Murray in Lost in Translation. I have the worst luck getting to sleep at night, not because I am in another place, because I can't put myself at ease. Thoughts keep running through my mind and, for whatever reason, I cannot let them go.

This is nothing new for me, but it seems more intense this semester. No doubt, grad school has played a role in this. However, I feel like this has become more habitual and less endemic than it used to be. It's a nightly thing and I cannot shake it. I think if it were simply school I would be over it. After all, things are going well.

As I sit here, focusing primarily on this issue and putting everything else on hold, I feel relaxed in analysis. I am uncertain about my "insomnia." I've been questioning whether or not it is biological, and I do not think it is. If it were, it seems that it would be more pervasive and harmful. Upon further introspection, I think it might be psychological out of loneliness.¹

Don't get wrong. I enjoy living alone, but I think that my insomnia and loneliness go hand in hand somehow. Although I am skeptical about this point too, it seems to fit more in my mind. After all, when I am up late I am usually talking to my friends over the Internet or on the phone. Of course, these forms of communication are no substitute for face-to-face interaction, and I think that is why I am having a hard time truly overcoming "the loneliness issue." I have friends I interact with on a daily basis, but no one is a good friend. At least, not yet.

To be fair, I have found some relief with some of my good friends who do not live here, but the distance makes it tough. I want to enjoy a pitcher of beer and random stories with them or get a cup of coffee and have an intellectually stimulating conversation, but that cannot happen unless we are in the same place. I also have some new friends in grad school that will likely become good friends. Until then, though, I am lost in my thoughts about everything and nothing. Words that are unvoiced because I do not have anyone who will listen nearby.

I guess it is something I need to get over and come to terms with. After all, I will eventually leave Boise in pursuit of my PhD in a matter of years; I'll have to start over again. If I can overcome it sooner, I will be better off (and have better sleep).

_{1: I don't think it is the coffee or tea. I have reduced my intake dramatically since the end of September. The only thing this would potentially cause is depression!}

Autumn Perspective

2007-10-05T01:53:00.000-04:00

Autumn is, without a doubt, my favorite season. The crisp air and cooler temperatures enliven my senses. I feel revitalized by the changing colors, smoky skies, and hazy days. I relish in the ephemeral nature of the season, knowing winter is not far behind.

It is during this time I am most cognizant to the world around me. I take in the changes and reflect on those that have occurred, are occurring, and will occur in my life.

In my solitude, I am able to appreciate where I have been and where I am going.

Adjusting to graduate school has been a difficult process, but I am feeling more at home with each passing day. Each week has brought me closer to finding my voice and my place. Undoubtedly, I continue to struggle. I continue to be pushed and pulled in multiple ways, but I adjust. I change, grow, and move closer to solace and stability.

Perhaps, more importantly, I am starting to understand the motions and norms of the position I hope to attain. Each day as a student, teacher, and committee member illuminates aspects of what I hope will be my future. It furthers my knowledge, making me more adept at what I do.

The changes and adjustments propel me. I remain driven. Inspired.

I will be if I believe.

Illusory

2007-09-24T04:26:00.001-04:00

This weekend I tried to find solace in the chaos of my current situation.

Graduate school has gotten slightly better, but I still question my place here. It is hard to describe exactly what I am feeling. In a strange way, I don't think I can properly put words to my feelings that would explain what "it" is like. I feel out of place, but I know I belong. I do not understand the material, then I grasp it days later. I feel dumb, though I know I am smart. I feel like a fraud, and question if I am.

It is a series of contradictions, constructed entirely in the atmosphere of my mind. The uncertainty coalesces in my mind. It weighs heavy in my thoughts and actions. It ensnares me.

I know that I am not the only graduate student that feels this way. I know I am one of many who is currently struggling with this feeling. I know others who have been through this.

I know this is a phase. I know this will pass in due time.

I know I will get through this.

Though the struggle is painful, I need to remind myself, time and time again, that this is another mountain among countless mountains. I will continue to struggle. I will continue to fight. I will come out on top of this. I will survive this.

I will be better for all my struggles.

Where Do I Begin?

2007-09-20T02:28:00.000-04:00

There is so much to tell since my hiatus from the blogoshpere. I have missed being able to detail my thoughts and cathartic outbursts. Had I figured out how to properly update and transfer my website information over, this never would have been an issue. I simply would've resumed blogging as usual and, aside from the transfer, not had anything else to worry about.

I'll relate the full story later in more detail. For now, all you need to know is:

I have returned with a slightly new address and will, of course, continue to blog
I met some amazing cool people this summer, some I hope to stay in touch with for a long time
I met some incredibly annoying people, some I hope to avoid
I grew up a lot this summer
Grad school is crazy

More to follow!

On The Road

2007-05-17T18:21:00.001-04:00

On the road again.

In The Company of Friends and Strangers

2007-04-30T14:30:00.000-04:00

Hopefully the former more than the latter (unless my car dies on me).

I did it! Or, at least, I will have done it once Wednesday (today!) is over. Two finals left and then *drum roll* GRADUATION! Bah chicka wah wah. Oh, wait, that's a different kind of celebration!

Yeah. Graduation is only a few days away and, obviously, I am thrilled that I survived and managed to conclude my studies in four years (although I'll be in grad school in the fall!). Instead of stepping into the working world, though, I am headed off to my summer internship. Besides, what fun would I have being a responsible, civil, worker in this hyperreal world? I'll come around eventually, I suppose.

Back to the internship. It's going to be quite a journey for me, mainly because I haven't traveled this far alone. In some ways I am scared about what lies in store, in terms of driving that is. I'm positive everything else will be rockin' for the summer, but my questionable car always makes things...eventful. With a little luck, though, I'll make from one good friend's to another as I traverse state lines and put some serious mileage on my tires (that hopefully will not go flat!).

Naturally, I'm excited for the adventure. Thrilled by what may be and what will be. It's the first time I will truly be on my own and I am looking forward to the experience, both the uncertainties and possibilities. Most importantly, I know I will learn even more about myself while on the road, on my own, and in a new place. It's a welcome refresher to a seemingly stagnant life of a soon-to-be college graduate. It's a change and a chance for growth. And, hey, it's a chance for random photos and crazy wild fun with friends I haven't seen in years!

Here's to hoping that good times do, indeed, roll.

Right There Behind You

2007-04-26T01:25:00.000-04:00

Tonight I thank my lucky stars and those who fought for me in my most uncertain hour. I appreciate those who stood up for me, who didn't accept things as they supposedly were. I am thankful!

Here's to next year! Things are falling into place and I'm feeing better about where I stand, where I have always been (though one person cast doubt on that). I will rock out and enjoy my time.

I graduate only to move on to two more years in collegetown!

We Are The Machine

2007-04-22T02:48:00.000-04:00

This is a fascinating video. It will make you think.

See what happens when I search around on YouTube? I get all philosophical and look at "thinker" videos.

Swim

2007-04-22T01:19:00.001-04:00

In a time where all is designed to be controlled, the elementary force of our very existence brings an undeniable fusion for a magic moment. This short film is simply about the power that brings us all to life.

Anything At All

2007-04-20T02:49:00.000-04:00

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. Let me preface this further, though. I'm not being emo, but this is probably the most personal post I am about to write.

All my life I have struggled to get where I am going. I have moved from place to place every three to four years. I have had to build new friendships and say goodbye to old friends. I've been all over the place and I have no real home. At college, I struggled to find friends. Since I do not have dependable family nearby, I have struggled to get through personal issues on my own. I have come to rely on myself more than anyone else in this world. I have been my own worst enemy and my strongest ally. In all of this, I have built myself and grown.

When I came to college four years ago, I did not know what I wanted to be. I thought I wanted to do something with computers because I was a major nerd, but after taking two years of intense math courses (Survey of Calculus, Calculus I, etc.) I realized that Computer Science was not for me. What I had come to find, however, was that Communication meant a great deal to me. Part of this was because I was on the speech and debate team. Part of this was because of our amazing debate coach, because he inspired me. Part of this was because of the classes I took, how well I excelled and how much I enjoyed the material. As I switched majors, my conviction that Communication was the major for me never faltered. I finally felt like I found my niche.

Everything progressed this way since then. I quickly realized I wanted to be a professor because I wanted to inculcate fascinating and fun lessons upon young minds. I wanted to do research and make an impact on the field of Communication. I wanted to be an exemplar for my students to follow, just as many of my professors had been.

Today, however, changed that. Even if only slightly. I'm not saying that I doubt myself, my position, my major, or the path ahead of me. However, I do doubt the politics involved in academia.

Today I received a letter notifying me that I did not get the graduate teaching assistantship I applied for earlier in the month. What's most shocking is that, from what numerous professors in the department told me, I was the top undergraduate applicant. However, it appears that I was passed up for some unknown reason at this time. It shocked me. I was numb to it at first. Now that I have had time to sit and think about it, though, things have changed.

For the first time I am truly questioning what I am doing here. I invested too much into this assistantship and now I might not be able to move past it. I needed it for next year and now it is gone. I do not have much to fall back on to, so it is even tougher. There is a chance I might get another assistantship on campus, but there is no guarantee. Plus, it isn't a teaching assistantship, so it is not applicable to what I want to do. Additionally, if I do not get it, I am at a total loss unless I get a job and take out more loans. I'm in a bind.

Moreover, I am conflicted further by whether or not I should stay in attendance here. If I cannot afford it, I do not think I should continue to struggle through when I have had a hard enough time getting through these four years. I have been so strong, but I question how much stronger I can be. My best friend from childhood, Carrie, reminded me that it's always a struggle and that I am going to have to fight for everything I truly desire. She told me that it wouldn't be worth it if I didn't struggle, but even so, I wonder how much more I can take. I agree with Carrie and I truly appreciate her insight. Now it is just a question of whether or not I can carry it through again. I need to reaffirm myself and recharge myself.

At the same time, though, I want to runaway from it all. I feel like everything is crashing down on me and I can't find anything to hold on to. Instead of staying around, I just want to be free of it all. I want to escape. The sad thing is that there is nowhere to run to, nowhere to go. I have to stick it out and figure it out.

I am strong, though. I know I will be alright and I know this isn't the end of it all. I have been through some crazy things before, so this is nothing new. It was just totally unexpected though. But, if I learned anything at all, I learned that this is something I can do. I learned that no matter how hard things get, I will never give up. I will fight as hard as I can to do what I love and what I believe in. I see everything in front of me, everything that lies ahead, and though the road ahead is obscure, my personal strength tells me it won't be so tough if I truly believe in myself.

Random News!*

2007-04-17T19:04:00.000-04:00

Apparently cell phone radiation could be killing bees. While you may dislike the nectar (read: regurgitated deliciousness [to some]), the loss of bee populations could lead to decreased pollination creating problems for farmers and gardners alike.

Read more here.

_{That isn't unfortunate and depressing. Honestly, I've been a bit morose since reading yesterday's news.}

Bringing Sexy Back!

2007-04-17T02:37:00.000-04:00

My research methods group and I won "Outstanding Acheivement Awards" for our amazing talent, hot bods, biting wit, and, of course, our research! Way to go us! We rock!

We're going to continue the study on over the next year! Hell yeah! Now I get to juggle TWO of my top research topics and party it up in grad school.

If only I could strike it rich. Everything would be just about perfect then.

Where I'm Going

2007-04-15T16:46:00.000-04:00

26 days until I get my degree, 29 until I depart for my internship, and 34 until my ~~escape~~ summer job kicks off. Time is tick-tick-ticking away and I'm increasingly excited to leave! Word!

But before I get too excited the biting reality of my situation hits me. It's not going to be that exciting traveling on the open road with half of my crap in the truck (especially in my car!), but at least it will be an adventure! Plus, I have AAA and a cellphone of questionable dependability. Woo! This is starting to sound like the beginning of an adventure fiction book. The more I think about it, the more I feel that it is going to be fun to get away from here this summer. I stayed here last summer and absorbed the sun while studying deep in the dark. It was good, but this summer feels more action-packed, challenging, and somewhat mysterious. It's enticing.

I'm also inherently nomadic and I feel that some uprooting is essential. The bohemian gypsy blood of my ancestors courses through my veins screaming, "It's time to move!" And while I'm not immigrating, I am migrating across the country. Someplace between coming and going, itinerant transit.

Tick-tock. The clock is ticking!

Overheard in History 102 (Today)

2007-04-09T21:21:00.000-04:00

Professor: (posts above picture on projector) Can anyone tell me who this famous 1920's movie star is?

(silenece in the class for roughly 30 seconds)

Student 1: Uh, I dunno.

Student 2: Drew Barrymore?!

Professor: ...no.

(silence again)

Professor: Anyone, anyone? Clara. Clara Bow.

(Names are anonymous to protect the retarded.)

Ah, Nostalgia!

2007-04-09T03:34:00.000-04:00

I've reached the cornerstone of my undergraduate experiences at college. Later this week I will defend my thesis in front of my professors, colleagues, and friends. It's been an extensive road to trek upon, especially when you take into account my numerous setbacks, stumbles, apprehensions, and anxieties about making it to this point. Yeah, that includes everything over the last four years (of which, my blog certainly can attest to).

Even so, I've made it to this point. I'm almost done with this year and with my undergraduate degree. I'm edging it out to the end and aiming for the highest marks I can possibly obtain in my final hours. It's all ahead of me, but soon enough it will all be behind me. Ah, nostalgia!

What perplexes me the most at this time, though, is not where I am nor where I will be, but rather who I am. If I am a composite of everything I have experienced (and I believe I am), then I am greater than most things I have faced. If I am composed of all these accomplishments and improvements, then I can go beyond where I currently am at any point in time and be the person I am. I know I doubt myself from time to time, but mostly because, in my solitude and self, I am itinerant. I am still malleable, moldable, still in motion. I'm still figuring out who I am, and I am certain that I will continue to until my dying day.

Yet, as I look back, I know I have grown, but I feel that I have mountains upon mountains to climb before I am adult enough. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of something new once again, but I'm afraid of what may come and what may become of me. I know I should not fear it. I revel in the growth engendered by change in my life. I feel strengthened by overcoming obstacles, setbacks, and misfortunes. I feel better in transition than in stagnation. I feel more alive. More human. More me.

Though I tread the road ahead with cautious uncertainty, I feel comforted by the wealth of experience, knowledge, and potential held within. I feel the threads of fate pulling me forward, pushing me every which way; though I see not what lies ahead of me. Increasingly, I feel ready to move, to be and to become. Though the ground ahead may give way, and though I may falter from time to time, my belief in myself will not fade nor flag. I will be because I believe.

Sunny Disposition

2007-04-06T16:11:00.000-04:00

Perhaps the sleep deprivation is getting to me, but I generally feel better today. Even though I am still irked by the issues dicussed in the previous post, the wonderful weather here has brightened my day.

Now, do I go to my class and fall asleep or do I soak up some sun while reading a good book and fall asleep? Tough decision.

Moving Maddess! Or Transitional Dispostion on a Down

2007-04-05T22:12:00.000-04:00

WARNING! The blog post you are about to read is a part emo, part rant. In general, these two items should not be mixed, especially with alcohol! Luckily I haven't been drinking, though I wish I could at this moment.

I'm assuming that if you're still reading, you're interested enough to know what could be so emo-depresso about graduating and moving. Well, nothing is really emo-depresso. In fact, I'm excited about graduating. Shit, son! I've been here for four years and I am finally getting out of here...only to return...after...summer. Aside from that last part, I'm totally psyched. Graduation is well on its way and I am buying my cap and gown tomorrow. Everything, academically speaking (except my grades, I hope!) is down hill from here.

Unfortunately, this semester's eventual end has hit a tumultuous clusterfuck. I use that term rarely, but I honestly have no other way to describe this. The only reason I am writing about it right now is because I need to get it off my mind so I can finish some other work that needs to get done. The issue: moving.

Now, you would probably think that after moving around about five or six times from elementary school on through high school would make me a hardened veteran of moving. At least, I thought it did. Turns out that some moves are easier than others. This transition happens to be one of the worst at the moment. I'm not saying that things won't get better in time, but right now that suck. I've been looking for a place to rent before I leave for my internship this summer and time and time again my brother has failed to follow through. He won't look at the places I find, he won't help me decide, and he isn't helping pay various bills at our current place. Yes, he is older...but he doesn't act like it.

I guess what amazes me is that no matter how hard I try to explain the gravity of the situation to him, he doesn't care. It's like I'm still the little brother. I'm still supposed to be looked down on. He's still stuck in that older brother complex where he thinks he has to be a dickhead. Or, perhaps, he's wrapped up in his pseudo-testosterone rage where he won't let me get a word in because it makes him mad to hear the truth. Either way, it's pissing me off. I am tired of dealing with him. I am tried of living with him. I'm tired of him mooching off of me. I'm tired of all of it.

I just want things to be simple. I want to move out of here into a cheaper apartment or house before I leave for the summer. That's it. It shouldn't be that hard. But, when it comes to my brother, it always is.

I just wish I could feel comforted in the generic response that almost everyone has given me of "it will get better," but I can't. It's been this way for the last month and nothing has changed.

The only thing I can do that will affect him is canceling the lease through the notice to vacate. I did not want to resort to this scenario, but since I will be gone within the next month, I think it's what I am going to do. Maybe then he'll grow up and act his age. Maybe.

Why Alanis Morissette Is A Badass

2007-04-03T02:13:00.000-04:00

That's right. She covered My Humps. Go. Alanis. Go! Hahah!